Life | Spiritual Thought

There have been many moments in my life where I believed all was lost and I would never repair myself. I wanted life to end. I wanted to escape from the pain, reality, and difficulty of it all. Life didn't feel fair.

Life is never fair though.

It's not meant to be fair. No one can have a perfect life and no one can have the exact same life. It wouldn't make sense, it wouldn't be real. No one would progress and change, no one would feel.

I think the biggest reality of the unfairness of this world is death.

I remember when my aunt died of cancer. I remember how I didn't take it well. Even if she lived in California and I saw her maybe once a year, having to watch such an incredible, kind, brave woman battle cancer and die from it was so hard on me.

I didn't know how to cope.

I was asked to sing at the funeral and I remember struggling to get through it, my emotions and tears taking over my voice. My uncle still loved it, he told me so, but I remember being ashamed, feeling that I had ruined a beautiful moment.

I was lost at the time.

I grew up in the LDS church and we are taught that there is an afterlife. That we are sealed to our families for eternity. That we will see our family members again after we die.

We never truly lose someone.

But when my aunt died, my heart was lost and I didn't believe it. I didn't believe that I would see her again. And it felt so unfair that this amazing woman was just gone.

There was a moment in my life that changed me.

I had been broken for a long time. I had been viciously cutting and burning myself. And one night in college I ran away and I found myself on the steps of an LDS church building in the middle of the night.

And I prayed.

And I didn't feel anything after. There was no light from heaven, there was no prompting, there was no comfort. My pain didn't disappear it didn't diminish. In that moment, nothing changed.

I didn't know it at the time, but my entire life would shift from that moment on.

It was slow and gradual, but my heart began finding the light again. And I believe with every part of me, that it was not a coincidence that only a week later I would meet the man who would later become my husband, and who I believe is my soulmate.

God is good.

He teaches us when and how we need to be taught. He has a path and a plan for our lives. It's never easy or fair or what we want. He knows what's best.

I know I am sealed to my family for eternity.

My family means the world to me. My parents, siblings, cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, in-laws, husband, and my beautiful baby girls. I know we are all part of a bigger plan. I will see my aunt again. I will see my grandpa again. And I will see my angel baby again.

The world lost a great man.

President Thomas S. Monson passed away. He was a prophet of God. He inspired me. He spoke, and I couldn't help but listen. He would tell me to do something and I wanted to go and do it. I think, more than any apostle in the LDS church, he was the one that helped me find myself when I was lost.

He is not gone, though.

He is now reunited with his sweet wife. And his words have resonated in the hearts of many people and will live on for eternity. And while he may not dwell on earth anymore, he will always live in our hearts and in our memory.

Death is not the end.

And our lives have so much more meaning than we could ever imagine.

And I love knowing.

Photo Credits: Fox 13

LDS General Conference Thoughts | October 2017

During the last General Conference in April, I wrote down quotes and thoughts from every single talk in the four main sessions. Little did you know, I was pregnant at the time and during one particular talk in the Sunday morning session, I was hit with morning sickness... hard. For that talk, I stole quotes from Twitter, because I had been too occupied in the bathroom to listen.

Look where I am now. Home with my twin girls.

During that conference, I didn't know I was having twins yet and didn't fully comprehend why my morning sickness was so bad. I was frustrated and upset and didn't know how to cope.

And now I'm watching conference with my girls, an official mother, tired and worn out, and not fully knowing how to cope.

It is impossible to write out notes for every single talk. It's turning out impossible for me to listen to every talk. However, I was able to fully listen to one. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk during the Saturday morning session. And one quote stood out to me more than any other.

"Here in mortality, perfection is still pending." 

Many times as a member of the church we are put under a pressure to be perfect. I remember first being married and going to a married student ward and watching my ward members competing to show they were the most perfect and holy. But knowing those people now, it was all an act. They were pretending to be perfect.

Nobody is asking us to be perfect now.

Yes, it's the scriptures a million times that we need to be like Christ, who is perfect. But every general authority has said at one point that they know we are not perfect. It is impossible to be truly perfect. But that doesn't mean we should ever stop trying.

I have said on this blog many times that I am far from a perfect Mormon. I've made millions of mistakes. I have a tattoo. I don't read my scriptures every day and sometimes take a break for months before trying again. I often struggle to pay my tithing. I haven't had a temple recommend in two years... until recently.

Recently I was able to get a temple recommend after two years in order to be there for my sister's sealing. And when I went into the temple, I felt such joy and peace. I was very much pregnant and every motion was a struggle, but not while I was in the temple.

As a new mother, I want more than anything to raise my children in a gospel filled home. While pregnant, I often felt pressure to be perfect so I can be an example for my girls. But I am not expected to be perfect. No one is perfect and I will never be the exception.

I will never be perfect. My perfection is still pending. But as long as I'm trying my hardest to be my best self, then I will never fail.

General Conference April 2017 Thoughts

Hello, friends! This post is going to be a bit of a mess. I'm going to just type up thoughts and quotes while watching General Conference. I'll clean it up the best I can before posting it Sunday night, but these will be the things that stick out to me the most while watching/listening.

I rarely do this, but I'm trying something new. Oh, I did not listen to Women's Conference so that's not on here. I hope to listen to it soon. Thank you to the LDS Conference Twitter page for the images I've shared as well.  Enjoy!

SATURDAY MORNING SESSION

Pres. Henry B. Eyring - "Gathering the Family of God"

-The names 'Brother and Sister' are more than just terms of endearment. 

-We accepted Heavenly Father's plan and accepted the sacrifice with a promise to obey the commandments. 

-Family history has made a big increase in recent years. 

-"God knew that you would be drawn to your ancestors in love."

MY THOUGHTS: As I have since my miscarriage, when I hear a talk on family and the importance of raising children, I tend to zone out. But I do love the quote above. All families are different and imperfect, including my own, but I was so blessed to have parents who love me unconditionally and have shown me throughout my life what true love really is. 

Brother M. Joseph Brough - "His Daily Guiding Hand"

-God has created a "care package" to help us return to him. 

-Never disregard the counsel of your bishop. They are there to guide us. 

-More import than words is our example of living the gospel. 

MY THOUGHTS: I love the idea that scriptures, family, friends, and the church are all a "care package" that God has given us to help us survive the trials of life. That's probably my favorite metaphor ever. He knows exactly what we need and he provides us with everything we need to return to him and to find happiness. He is the source of all the tools we need to live a rich and fulfilling life. 

Elder Weatherford T. Clayton - "The Plan of Salvation"

-If we repent, we suffer less. 

-"Even in our moments of deepest grief, in the moments when time stands still and life seem unfair, we can find comfort in our Savior because he suffered as well."

-"Come and live a happy Christ filled life."

MY THOUGHTS: Honestly, I didn't listen to this one as much. But the last quote that I wrote, "Come and live a happy Christ filled life" speaks to me. I have referred a lot lately to a quote by Al Carraway, "With God, life is oh so good!" It's one of my daily mantras. We can only find real happiness through Christ. 

Elder Dale G. Renlund - "Our Good Shepherd"

My Testimony

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

At the age of seventeen, I was horribly, dangerously depressed. It wasn't a new feeling. I remember being a kid in elementary school and crying on the playground. I never knew why, there never was a reason, and I never told anyone. Somehow, as a child, I already was conditioned to believe that crying was a sign of weakness, so I did not tell anyone what I was feeling.

No one knew what I was going through.

I had gotten a recommend from my bishop months prior to the age of seventeen that would allow me to get my patriarchal blessing. And at the push of my parents, I made an appointment to go. I was at a terrible time in my life and my depression was at its worst. I was lost, broken, and felt that there would never be any hope, and light left in my life. My soul was slowly dying and I had no way of stopping it.

No one knew what I was going through.

And yet, there I sat with a priesthood leader's hands on my head and I listened to him give me a blessing. A blessing with words of advice that no one should have known. I had never told a single soul what I was going through. The only one capable of knowing was my Father in Heaven. My prayers for help had been heard and I was getting an answer.

My testimony is that God hears us and knows us.

I wish that after an experience like that I could say I've never fallen away. But depression is a disease that distorts the mind. It makes me believe that I am useless, that my life will never amount to anything, that I am ugly, fat, that I have no friends, that no one loves me, that I will never be happy again. Depression distorts my thinking. Depression has often made me believe that my Father in Heaven does not love me. That the pain I feel, that the terrible things that happen in my life, are because I am unloved.

This is not true.

Depression is a product of Satan. He is the one who distorts my thinking and makes me think the way I do. I am in a war against Satan and his games and unfortunately, I have lost many battles. My testimony of the gospel of Christ is not strong. Never has been. But I have never given up.

Because God knows me and listens to me.

He knows that I am struggling, that each of us has struggles and hard times. He hears us when we pray to Him. He has a plan for each of us. It is up to us to trust His plan, to trust in Him to guide us where we need to go. It's hard to hear Him sometimes, or all the time, but we can never give up on Him, because He will never, EVER, give up on us.

He loves each and every one of us.

I can't guarantee I won't fall away again. Being a member of the church is the absolute hardest commitment for me and I have to consciously think about it every day. Some people make it look so easy. For me, it never has been. But I know what he has done for me in the past, and I can never deny it. And by always remembering that I have always found my way back.

A testimony is like a plant.

It takes constant work to nourish and maintain. Plants need sunlight, water, and good soil. Testimonies need study, prayer, and an open heart. Keeping a testimony strong takes effort. If your testimony begins to fade, you can always get it back. Some people have bigger testimony plants than others, some people only have the seed, but in the eyes of God, it doesn't matter. Because if we have something, He will help us. He is the ultimate gardener, and He will show us what to do.

My testimony is only a seed.

I hurt all the time. I am constantly fighting. My life is a struggle and being a member of the Church is a commitment I sometimes cannot find possible. But my Father in Heaven makes up the difference and shows me the right way. My testimony is only a seed, but it's growing, it has potential. And that is all that is truly important.

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

And I know that it is true.

_________________________________________________________

If any of my readers are curious about the LDS church, Mormon.org is a great resource to learn about what we believe, and find people in your area to teach you more. I am happy to send a Book of Mormon to any of my blog readers who want one. Email me at thedancingcowblogger@gmail.com if you are interested. 

Why I, As A Mormon, Chose to Get a Tattoo

 

No one can ever call me a perfect Mormon and I'm not even that close to the top. I've made so many mistakes. I've allowed myself to fade away multiple times. I've never actually completed reading the Book of Mormon all the way through. I always forget to pray. And my testimony of the gospel is not the strongest.

That being said, I've never completely fallen away either. I was lucky to have an experience at the age of 17 that ensured that I could never deny God or leave the church for good. I believe the God, I believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the truest gospel on the earth today, and I love the teachings and blessings that I receive when I do attend.

But as someone who suffers from depression on a daily basis, being a member of the church can be incredibly difficult.

My depression is a full blown, daily struggle, daily having to remind myself to be happy. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

A month or so before I met my husband, I was at a very difficult point in my life. And in a moment of weakness and loss of control, I took my hair straightener and pressed it against my left arm, leaving burns.

This wasn't my first instance of self-harm, and it wasn't the last either. Only the largest and most significant. In high school I spent nights with tweezers, picking at my legs until they bled. In college, I used my razor on my wrists. And after getting married, I used my own fingernails to scratch at my arms till they were raw and almost bleeding.

Growing up LDS, I was always taught my body is a temple. We are meant to love and protect our bodies the way we would the temple. But the distortion that depression causes, has never allowed me to fully grasp this concept.

For me, my body, my skin, is the thing that holds in all the darkness, the depression. When I cut myself, it was because I needed to feel real pain, to see an actual wound, to be able to put a band-aid over it and know that it would heal. Depression, the darkness inside of me, doesn't heal. I can't put a band-aid on it, I can't control it, I can't stop it when it comes.

There are ways to ease my depression, but it's still invisible. Treating an invisible wound isn't the same as one you can see. At my weakest points, I needed a visible wound to help me feel like I was in control again. If I couldn't see the pain I was feeling, I would make pain I could see.

A few years ago I found a song by my idol, Demi Lovato. The song is called "Warrior" and the moment I heard it, it changed my life.

This is a story that I have never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro

All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know

Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I'm not broken or bruised

'Cause now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me

There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause you are never gonna take the blame anyway

Now I'm a warrior
I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

No oh, yeah, yeah

You can never hurt me again

I cannot express how much this song speaks to me. It sometimes feels as if this song was written about me, for me.

I've talked in the past about being a warrior. One year ago I shared a post called "Become A Warrior" in which I shared how I would write the word "Warrior" on my wrist to remind myself to be strong. And when I got the urge to claw at my arms, I would see the word on my arm and remember that I am a warrior, I am a fighter, and my depression "can never hurt me again."

On November 4th, 2015, I had my miscarriage and lost my first child. And throughout 2016, my depression had been worse than ever before in my life. The song "Warrior" was the only thing that kept me from injuring myself. I was consistently writing the word on my wrist as a reminder that I could survive. Somehow, I would survive the pain.

As a person, as a Child of God, I am in a war against Satan. Because of my depression, he has a strong grip on my life. I have to be a fighter to make it through the hell I am put through. I have to work hard on a daily basis to break the hold Satan has on my life, my actions, and my emotions.

"Warrior" helps me in the war against Satan. It helps me to not injure myself. It helps in the moments I want my life to end. It helps when my social anxiety appears. It helps me to be confident. It helps me to stay strong, be positive, and look for the light when my head is so full of darkness.

On November 4th, 2016, I got a tattoo of the word "Warrior" on my left wrist so I would never be without the support and strength that word gives me.

In my religion we are told not to get tattoos, to protect our temple. For me, getting this tattoo was one of the best ways for me to help protect my body and temple. And while I not supporting breaking the commandments the prophets have given us, I believe that for me, in my life, in my situation, getting this tattoo was important.

The night I got my tattoo, I said a prayer to my Father in Heaven. I apologized for breaking the rule and explain why I believed I needed it. And for a brief moment, I felt peace that He understood. I'm not saying that my decision was right or wrong, but I made the decision and I fully accept anything that comes of it, good or bad.

I have never once felt guilty or ashamed of getting my tattoo. I am proud to show my tattoo. I am happy to tell people why I got it. And while I know that many other members of the church will never understand, I still believe it was the right decision for me and I am not going to let them bring me down.

I cannot say that having this tattoo has made my depression go away. It's not magic, I know that will never happen. But there have been moments where the darkness takes over, I begin to lose control, and I see the word and make a change.

I still hurt, I still make mistakes, I still find myself in pain, but I am now constantly reminded that I am a warrior. Even if I lose a battle, I can still win the war. I can still triumph over Satan and his clutches. I can still find happiness even when I feel all hope is lost.

My life is not over. I can be successful. I can be the person that I want to be. 

Because as a warrior, I will NEVER stop fighting. 

Songs About Me 2016

Hello friends. This is going to be a slightly depressing post, just giving you a heads up. Okay, great, enjoy!

For the past month, I'm just done with 2016. This has by far been the worst year of my life and I just want it to end. Yes, my miscarriage happened in 2015, and that was the worst thing that's ever happened to me, but the aftermath of that miscarriage took over the majority of 2016. I am so over 2016. Just be done already!!

Anyways....

A few weeks ago I made a giant list of all my goals and resolutions for 2017 because I'm ready for a new year and a fresh start. (Oh my gosh, just be 2017 already!!!!) I will most likely share all those goals when 2017 gets closer and I've weeded through them and have the specific New Years Resolutions to share (I currently have two pages of goals so they can't all be New Year's Resolutions).

But to finish up this year (because I'm so willing to skip to the end, yes, that includes skipping over Christmas, just let 2016 end, please, please please, I am begging) I made a playlist of 10 songs that describe my 2016!

I want this to be an annual thing. For me to make playlists of songs that have influenced and/or describe the way my year went. Therefore, since I'm quoting this as the worst year of my life, you can bet they are not all happy songs for this year.

I have reasons for each song so I want to go over why each one was chosen. These were all chosen very carefully and I want to share my reasoning with you. So just press play on the Spotify playlist below, enjoy some amazing songs and read about each one.

I'll go in order of the playlist, even though it's a weird, not very thought out order. Okay? Great.

Unsteady - X Ambassadors

I'm a huge fan of this song. My mom thinks it's too repetitive, my husband doesn't like his voice, but I'm obsessed. I could not have made it through this year with the amazing people (and pet) I have in my life. But besides Zoram, my biggest rock through this year was Chris. I was "unsteady" in so many ways this year, but Chris helped me stand up tall and make it through. I needed him and I love his support more than he may ever understand. I love my soulmate.

Sit Still, Look Pretty - Daya

This song isn't depressing! Lately, girl-power type songs are my favorite. I have a ton on my phone that I just listen to randomly when I need to be uplifted and find a little confidence. While this is definitely a newer addition to my girl-power list, there's just a few of the lyrics that always stick out to me when I hear this song on the radio.

"Oh, I don't know what you've been told but this gal right here's gonna rule the world"

 I don't want to be what people want me to be. I have goals for myself and I'm going to make them happen. I am going to be a book author. Heroes & Villains is going to prove that I'm a writer and I truly believe that it can be big (considering it will never end). I will find the success and happiness I want without working in a job people want or expect me to. I believe that I can rule my own world and I'm not going to let someone tell me how to do it.

Stressed Out - Twenty-One Pilots

Oh goodness, the words in this song speak to me.

"Used to dream of outer space but now they're laughing in our face saying 'Wake up you need to make money.'"

I'm probably contradicting myself, but while I want to be a writer, this year was so overwhelming feeling like I couldn't do it because I needed to work a real job. Being a grown up sucks. And being a child and not having to deal with all the stress just sounds so appealing, but impossible to attain again. I was constantly stressed this year. This song was my life this year... stressed out.

The Weight Of Living II - Bastille

Oh, Bastille. How I love you so very, very, truly, totally, absolutely, wholly, and completely. I have been obsessing over this album this year and listen to it constantly. I love every track on the album and have learned almost all the words. But lately the words to this song have stuck out to me a lot:

"Do you like the person you've become?"

 Short and sweet, this question has echoed in my mind for a while now. I have asked myself this question quite a bit lately and when I begin to think my answer is "no" I think of ways to change myself and change my answer. I'm greatly considering making this my theme song of 2017, so I might get back to this at a later date...

All Will Be Well - Gabe Dixon

(Every time I listen to this song I ask Chris "Bonus points if you can name what show this is on!" He always forgets. But they answer is Parks & Recreation when Andy and April are driving to the Grand Canyon. Now you know and can get bonus points.)

I think about the title of this song a lot. "All will be well." The lyrics to this song are absolutely incredible because it's not saying that life if perfect and everything will always be amazing all the time. It's saying that times can be hard, people make mistakes, you have to work to find what you want in life, and you don't know how you'll get there, but you have to just believe that over time things will turn out for the best.

I have an obsession with this song and could probably pull out my English major skills and write a whole essay on it. I think anyone who is like me and suffers from depression should listen to this song and really think through the words. All will be well.

Don't Panic - Coldplay

Similar to "All will be well" the phrase "We live in a beautiful world" has crossed my mind a lot throughout this year. Despite how much I just raved about Bastille, Coldplay is, in all reality, my favorite band. They have music and lyrics that speak to me in a way no other artist has been able to do.

This song is short and sweet and every time I'm outside, looking at the world I live in, I think the worlds "We live in a beautiful world." It's comforting to me in a way that I'm not sure I can explain. Perhaps it's that despite all the horribleness of this year, I've seen some pretty amazing and beautiful things and it's humbling to be surrounded by such beauty.

Tomorrow Never Comes - Zac Brown Band

Hey, it's my theme song for the year! That's right, I never forgot about it through the year. I still think about and listen to this song a lot. Its message is very strong and clear. We don't know what's going to come, so we have to live now. I'm not going to go into much more depth on this. You can read why I picked it as my theme song by CLICKING HERE.

Butterflies and Hurricanes - Muse

This was my theme song for 2015! Can we talk about how incredible Muse is? And how I never noticed just how incredible until this year? I am loving Muse so much. Okay, great discussion, thanks.

You can read why I picked it as my 2015 theme song by CLICKING HERE, but I do have a few things to say as well.

First of all, the title. No two words describe my year better. Butterflies, like butterflies in my stomach. Nervousness, anxiousness, and a jittery uneasiness has plagued this entire year. And hurricanes, a destructive force in a wave crashing over my life. I'm a little dramatic sometimes. It comes with being a writer (and it being the middle of the night and not having gotten a good night's sleep in over a week).

So yes, the title alone describe my year wonderfully, but we cannot ever forget the words to this song. It's so empowering to me. If I ever need a pick me up, I listen to this song.

 "You've got to change the world and use this chance to be heard." 

Ah! Love those words so very much. I have done my best to use my depression, anxiety, and miscarriage to help others. Recently I was able to speak with someone who helped me realize that the things I say on here really do help some people. While these are the things that are hardest to talk about, they need to be heard. We can't pretend they don't exist. And it's my chance to be heard, and change the world.

Warrior - Demi Lovato

I have talked about this song a lot on this blog. Too many times to know where to look for links. This is the song that got me through this year. This is the song that gets me through my depression. This is the song that gives me strength to keep going when I feel like giving up.

After my miscarriage, and even sometimes before, I wrote the word "Warrior" on my wrist so I could look down at it and feel stronger. It sat above my scars and kept me from cutting or injuring myself again. It helped protect me when I felt my weakest. This song, this word, has helped save me countless times.

For my 26th birthday this year I got the word officially tattooed on my wrist. I want to write up a full post on it because there is some controversy in my decision, given my religious beliefs, but just know, that this was not impulsive, it was fully thought through, and I believe it was one of the best decisions I've made for myself in a long time.

We All Need Saving - Jon McLaughlin

Ah, my love, Jon McLaughlin. Random tangent, I saw him in concert last Friday and it was just him and his piano and no band and... oh my gosh... I love him so much. I'm sorry Chris. It's a different sort of love, I promise. You're still my soulmate and one true love, Chris.

I think that this song is incredibly important and has been for many years. Because living with depression feels like you're alone. Going through my miscarriage, I was certain no one understood what I was going through and what I was feeling. That's not true, though.

"I don't know why it has to be this way and I don't know the cure, but please believe that someone else has felt this before."

 This sentence has meant different things to me at different times. While my religious beliefs have waivered a lot this year, I have never once doubted in the reality and healing power of The Atonement. We are never alone and we are not the only ones who have felt the way we do. "We all need saving" and we can't be afraid to ask for help when we need it.

No matter what you're feeling, you are not alone and you can ask for help from a friend, family member, God, and always me. Because I believe no one should hide their pain, and when you're hurting, you have to find the courage to ask for help.

____________________________________________________________

Well, that was nice, it ended up a lot less depressing than I thought it would be. We also got a lot of different genres, so that was fun. 

Thanks for bearing with me through this post and the random and completely unedited photos. I promise I will post more about my tattoo soon because I have a lot to say about it. 

Let me know in the comments below what songs describe your year! And please tell me I'm not the only one anxiously waiting for this year to end... Thanks, love you, bye.

This weirdness of this post was brought to you by exhaustion. Get some sleep and don't let it happen to you!

Thoughts On General Conference October 2016

Hello friends! I'm feeling really emotional today. Maybe it's my cold that's already making my eyes (and nose) water or that it's October or that my birthday is coming up or that it's General Conference or that I cannot tell you the last time I cried (that's a literal achievement). There's a lot going on. So this post is basically pouring out my heart.

This weekend is General Conference. I remember last October conference very well. I went on a trip with my family to St. George. We listened to the sessions while driving and went to a musical at Tuacahn. Oh. And I was pregnant.

My mom took me shopping in St. George and bought me some maternity clothes. We had talked a lot about my future child and how excited we all were for it. My baby was the first grandchild in the family and all of us were so excited to welcome them into the family.

But... as fate would have it, a few weeks later my baby stopped growing. It took a couple weeks for me to realize and on my birthday on November 4th, I had a surgical procedure to remove the fetus from my body.

I was no longer pregnant. I no longer had a child. My parents were no longer going to be grandparents. And I was no longer going to be a mother.

It sucked. And that's putting it extremely lightly.

My whole plan for my life had collapsed. I was lost and I didn't know what to do. The next year of my life had been planned around being a mother and now...

When April General Conference rolled around I barely registered it. I'm pretty sure I had it playing in the background of my apartment but I didn't pay attention. April Conference had landed the week before my baby was supposed to be due.

I was angry and bitter. I was horribly depressed. I was in pieces. I was confused. I was lost. I didn't have friends or anyone to talk to. I felt so alone and helpless.

I had prayed every day of my pregnancy that my baby would be safe. And I prayed for a few weeks after my miscarriage that I would be comforted. And then I just stopped.

I don't remember what triggered it, my return to the gospel. I think all it took was one more prayer. One prayer asking my Father in Heaven for help.

I started going to church again. I started (occasionally) praying again. I started making an effort to take control of my life.

This weekend, listening to General Conference I'm reminded how blessed we are to hear the words of God through modern day prophets. I believe, with all my heart, that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet called of God. The messages that he shares with us each conference are the words of God, the words we need to hear most.

I'm not perfect. I still make so many mistakes. I have things to repent for and changes to make. I don't consistently pray or read my scriptures.  I still have work to do to get my testimony stronger. I still struggle now and again, those feelings of anger coming back to me. But God has never once given up on me and I would be crazy to ever give up on Him.

I'm not a perfect member of the church, nor do I think anyone really is. But I know that this church is true and as long as I center my life around God, then I know I'm in a better place.

I love General Conference and I urge each of you, members or not, to watch the Sunday sessions and see what you can take from it. There's so much information, but as long as you take one small thing from it, then its done it's job.

Never give up on God. Because he will never give up on you.

If you would like information on General Conference or the LDS church in general, you can visit www.mormon.org. You can also send me an email at thedancingcowblogger@gmail.com and I would be happy to send you a Book of Mormon.

Wedding Attire

Yesterday Chris and I spent the whole day with my family, hanging out around town and celebrating my cousin's wedding. It was such a beautiful day, so much fun, and so relaxing to get a day off of work during the week. I may write a whole post about our day (I have so many pictures and videos) but we'll see. I also have a post about the night before, as Wednesday was our anniversary and Chris surprised me with an incredible evening.

But for now, enjoy my quick pictures of what I wore all day to the many wedding events. And CONGRATULATIONS NICK AND CAMI!!!

Aww... It's my sister! I don't know where her outfit is from, but I can ask if you're truly interested. 

Outfit Details:

Cardigan: Target

Shirt: H&M

Skirt: Ross

Shoes: Kohls

Similar Items $50 or Less:

My Conversion

Last Sunday I gave a lesson in Young Womens called "How Do I Know If I Am Being Converted?" I think when you're like me, and you are born and raised as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it's hard to think that you yourself have to go through a conversion. I often would think, I was raised this way, it's who I am, I don't have to put as much work into it.

The last few years have changed my perspective on that entirely.

For my lesson I typed up my story and read it to my class. I knew I couldn't freestyle my story without crying so I had written it all down. Conveniently, it makes it a lot easier to share my story on here as well.

So here is my story:

"For the past few years my relationship with the gospel has been difficult. I could never deny the gospel, but I wasn't fully committed to it. I'm sure you have noticed it as well, but I had a hard time going to church every week, I only seemed to pray when I needed something, and I never read my scriptures.

When I got called into young womens I wanted to change and my brain kept telling me to be here but I just never could fully commit myself and I wasn't ever sure why.

A few months ago two significant things happened in my life, both at the same time. First, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. And second, my mom called me to tell me my younger brother, Nick, had said he lost his testimony and was no longer going to go to church.

Both of these were huge for me. I have wanted to be a mother for so long and I was so excited that it was finally happening. But having Nick, who is one of my best friends lose his testimony broke my heart. When my mom first told me I felt angry with him. Mainly because I knew how much it was hurting my mom. My dad has been inactive for a few years so my mom is the only one left at home going to church. She's told me that she sits alone and she cries almost every week because she wishes that Nick or my dad would be there with her.

But I realized I couldn't actually be angry with Nick when my own testimony had been struggling for years. Deciding to stop going to church had never really felt like an option for me, but hearing that my brother had made that decision changed things.

I started to think about how I wanted my life to be, not just for myself, but for my baby. I thought about how even though my testimony hadn't been strong for a long time, I loved growing up in the gospel, and my testimony of the gospel had never really faded. I realized how badly I wanted my baby to grow up in a home focused on the gospel.

As I went through the beginning of my pregnancy I had a really hard time with sickness and found myself praying more often and even received a priesthood blessing. I began praying everyday that my baby would grow stronger and be protected. I also prayed for myself to become better, that I would keep up my daily prayers and start going to church every single week. I started listening to General Conference talks every morning as I got ready for work and slowly I could feel myself changing.

Hearing about my brother losing his testimony helped me to find mine. And becoming pregnant helped my testimony to grow even stronger.

As you heard, last week I lost my baby and while this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life, the moment I heard the news I felt so calm and positive. I cried like crazy and have cried basically every day since it happened, but I have continually felt calm and positive as well. I know that someday I'm going to be a mother and I know that I will see my baby again someday, and most importantly I know that the reason I've felt so calm is because my Father in Heaven is looking out for me.

These past few months have started a huge change in my life and I truly have felt myself becoming more converted in the gospel. It's a process that will probably still take some time, but this time around I'm more committed. For the first time in a long time I want to be at church every Sunday and I want to make sure I take the sacrament every week.

I had been struggling for so long I had forgotten how incredible it is to continually feel the peace and happiness the gospel brings. This last week has been awful for me but I know that if this had happened before I committed to changing myself, I would not be able to recover from it. The only reason that this experience isn't tearing me apart is because I made a choice months ago that I would change myself to be stronger in the gospel. And I have been changing and I still am.

I love being a member of this church. I love the prophet and his counselors. I love our bishop in this ward who came to my apartment the night I learned of my miscarriage and reminded me "Things happen for a reason." I was called into young womens for a reason. I got pregnant when I did for a reason. And I committed to make a change when I did for a reason.

I don't know how much longer it will take for me to be truly converted, but I am so grateful that I have decided to make this change. I love who I am becoming and I wouldn't have it any other way."

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As always, if you would like to learn more about my LDS faith, please feel free to email me at thedancingcowblog@gmail.com and I will do my best to answer any questions or direct you to someone else who can. 

If you would also like a copy of the Book of Mormon, send me an email and I will get one sent to you. Thanks! 

My Testimony

I've felt that this is something I need to write, something that needed to be shared. This will be fairly short, but this is my testimony that the LDS church is true.

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I know it is true.

I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet called of God and he restored the church on this earth and he transcribed the Book of Mormon which was written by the prophets of old as another testament of Jesus Christ. 

I know that all prophets after Joseph Smith were also called of God.

I know President Thomas S. Monson is the current prophet called of God and he receives revelation from God that he shares with us. 

I know that the commandments given by God in these latter-days are meant to help and bless us and if we follow them and keep them we will be blessed. 

I know that tithing, while difficult for me to remember sometimes, is a wonderful way to show gratitude to my Father in Heaven for all that he has blessed me with. 

I believe so strongly in the power of prayer and know that God listens. 

I know that at the age of seventeen when, at a moment of complete turmoil and pain, I knelt down and prayed for help, prayed for my life to be saved, the arms of my Father in Heaven wrapped around me in a hug to comfort me, tell me everything would be okay, and to promise me that I could make it through all that I was experiencing. 

I know that despite all the many mistakes I've made in my life, God has never once given up on me and he is always on my team. 

I know that even though I experience horrible depression, God still loves me. 

I know that I am married to Chris for eternity. 

I know that the many temples on earth are a house of God and that nothing compares to the peacefulness felt inside of those buildings. 

I know that my family is sealed together for eternity. 

I know that this church is true, that this gospel is true, and I know that while I still experience depression no matter what, I am, and always will be, at my happiest when I am following the commandments, going to church, and saying my prayers to my Father in Heaven, who loves me unconditionally. 

_____________________________________________________________________________

If any of my readers are not LDS and would like to learn about my religion, please send me an email and I will do my best to answer any questions or direct you to others who can better answer your questions. 

And if any of my readers would like a copy of the Book of Mormon I would be happy to send you one! Just send me an email and I'll do my best to get one to you soon. 

Happy Tuesday 8/25/2015

Woodkid

Having such incredible and kind parents

Playing One Night Ultimate Werewolf

Work Lagoon Day

Swimming

Cafe Rio quesadillas

Having a husband who will give me anything I want (even when I'm being a little too selfish)

Priesthood blessings

Raspberry flavored things

Raspberries

How long my hair is getting

Finding time to relax

Happy Tuesday 8/4/15

Having a Happy Tuesday post on my blog instead of my Tumblr

Spending last week in Jackson Hole with my family

Life changes

My job

Pizza Hut

Going to the Martin Harris Pageant with my Young Women

Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

The gift and power of prayer

Trying out new hairstyles

Going without makeup for a while

Watching Family Guy with Chris

Rearranging my bedroom

My bed

Happy Tuesday 6/23/2015

Kellin comes home this week!!!! 

Gardner's Markets

Logan's Summerfest

Watching The Amazing Spiderman

This song, this song, and this song

Going on walks in the sunshine

Salads at lunch

Church

Food

Lemonade now available for free at work

My two new shirts and new necklace

Sunshine

Food Network Star

Jurassic World fruit snacks

Happy Tuesday 6/16/2015

Devin coming home!!! 

Knowing the last Farnes brother gets home in two weeks!!! 

The thought of seeing Chris with all his brothers for the first time since I met him!!! 

Jimmy Johns for Tweeting me back

New Facebook followers! (Welcome and thank you!!)

Demi Lovato

This Demi song, this Demi song, and this Demi song

That last song especially though

Like seriously, if you haven't already, click on the link and listen

That song saves me

Warm weather

Summertime

My lunchtime nature walks

Chris for saving me from a wasp in our bedroom

Pizza

Doing better at work

Starting up #FashionFriday posts again

My mom for listening and loving and being all around amazing

__________________________________________________________________________

Hey friends, so as you know my Happy Tuesday posts are always just like the above list. No explanations, just the simple things in life that have made me happy the past week. But I just want you all to be aware that I am currently struggling. If you've ready any past posts on my blog you've probably learned by now that I suffer from depression... and it's been bad lately. We're working on it and this week has already been so much better than last week, but I wanted to tell you that making these Happy Tuesday posts has been helping me a lot. Simply taking time to think about the little things making me happy has changed everything. Finding gratitude for the little things and being a bit more positive is doing wonders for my emotional health. I didn't write a post last week and I probably should have considering how bad things got last week, but I really want to encourage my readers to participate in Happy Tuesdays with me. They are helping me and maybe they can help you too. Even if you're late (like I was today) on writing your blog post, tweet, Tumblr post, Instagram photo, or Facebook post, be sure to tag it with #HappyTuesdays so I can see it too. 

I love all my readers and I hope that your week is amazing and you remember to find the small positive things in your life that make you happy. 

Happy Tuesday 4/7/15

Easter

Easter egg hunts

General Conference

Writing

Winning a necklace

Getting 10 new Twitter followers this week (WHAT?!?)

Massive paycheck (all that overtime was so worth it)

Jimmy Johns

This month's Pinterest Project (more on that soon)

Suspenseful Chuck episodes

Seeing Insurgent (even though I hated it)

New makeup routines

Jokes at work

And my very best friend Lauren's birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAUREN!! 

I wanted a funny picture of us and this was the winner. 

Teaching Young Womens

Fun fact: I was called last week as second counselor in the Young Women's presidency in my ward. That morning I woke up knowing I was getting a calling and as I get ready for church I just knew I would be put in young womens. And I was right. And I was very excited and then I went to class and realized how incredible these girls are and I felt incredibly intimidated and unworthy to teach such sweet and amazing girls.

But it's my calling and I'm still excited about it. While still feeling not good enough. I'm working on it.

Today I taught my first lesson to the young women. There were three girls, six leaders, and the bishop. We're really lacking in active young women in our ward, but some only go to mutual on Tuesdays and are still just as sweet and amazing.

To say I was nervous is an understatement. I was shaking, I was terrified, I felt completely inadequate, and I stood in front of those girls so scared I wanted to run. But I did it!! We blew through what I had planned much quicker than I had thought but the bishop helped fill in the time and, obviously led by the spirit because I would never have been able to do it on my own, I was able to remember scriptures and quotes and find them quickly on my Kindle Fire to share (thank goodness for the Gospel Library app).

I think that this will forever be something for me to work on, and that's good. I think that as a member of the LDS church I will forever have the opportunity to learn and grow and progress. Honestly, that's one of the greatest things about this church, that we never stop learning.

The Things I'm Most Grateful For

Happy Thanksgiving Week!! This week I am giving you three different posts all about gratitude and what I am thankful for. The first is this one, the things I'm most grateful for, then I have the places I'm most grateful for, and lastly the people I'm most grateful for. I have so much gratitude in my heart this time of year and I wanted to share it all with you.

Music -Music has been a huge part of my life for a very very long time. My sister and I used to sing together in church while my mom played piano and I always felt surrounded by music growing up. Music makes me happy and I'm so grateful for it.

Rain -It almost feels like our move to Texas this summer never happened. It just feels like I skipped a summer and never left Logan. But I will always remember the Texas rain and how beautiful it was and the lightning and thunder. I would open up our porch door and sit inside just watching it rain, specks of water coming inside. Rain makes me so incredibly happy and watching and listening to rain is one of the greatest things in the world. I'll also add in snow falling, I don't love snow, but I love sitting inside with a cup of hot chocolate and watching the snow fall because it's one of the most peaceful things in the world.

Books -Books allow us to escape into a different world, be different people, and do things we would never normally do. I'm in love with books and the way that they make me feel.

Warm Blankets -There is nothing better than after a long day of work getting into my bed and snuggling among my many blankets (and husband). It's such a good feeling and it gives me a moment of peace that is always needed.

My Apartment -Chris and I have lived in four different apartments since getting married a year and a half ago. That's pretty ridiculous. Because of that, even now it just doesn't feel permanent. I haven't put up any pictures yet because I keep thinking we're going to leave again. But regardless, I am grateful that I have an apartment and a place I can call home. And despite having our door knocked down by firemen in the middle of the night, I do feel safe here. We don't plan on staying in Logan forever, but it's nice to have a home.

Having A Job -I am so insanely grateful for my job. I stare at a computer screen all day and sometimes I get really bored, but I genuinely love my job because I feel appreciated and people are kind to me. I'm making friends and I get treated really well. More than that, I'm making enough money to allow my husband to not work and focus on school, which was a big decision that was important to both of us.

Writing -As you may know, it's my life goal to write a book. It's a struggle lately with no computer, and too many ideas swirling around in my head, but I'm so grateful that this is the only thing that I've ever truly wanted to do. I've wanted to do so many things in my life, teach, write for a magazine, dance, etc. And writing is the only things that has stayed with me and that I've pursued my entire life. I'm so grateful that I can do it, and I'm grateful for doing it because it makes me happy.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints -I was born and raised in the LDS church and because of that, I have taken it for granted many a time. Sometimes I forget how important this church and this gospel is in my life and am just going to church and ignoring everything else. Lately I've realized how much I need this church, remembering the moments that it saved me and changed my life. I truly am grateful to be a member of the LDS church and I hope I never forget that again.

Writing On This Blog -It certainly may not seem like it lately, but I am so grateful for this blog. I love writing on it so much! It makes me happy and it lets me express myself through writing, which has always been my favorite thing. I hope that I keep moving forward with this blog, that I keep writing posts for many years to come because this has been an opportunity to meet people, share my ideas, and I hope I never once take this opportunity for granted.

Cows -It may seem childish, but every time I see a cow I get excited. I don't know exactly what it is, why I'm in love with cows so much, but they make me happy and my life goal is to be happy. Cows help me fulfill my life goal and I am truly grateful for them.

One Years Worth of Marriage Tips, Tricks, and Advice

It's my anniversary month! I wanted to put up this post closer to my anniversary, but this particular post has taken me months to create and it has been delayed. But it's still May, still my anniversary month, so here it is!

No, I did not document my first full year of marriage the way I probably should have. But I have worked hard in the past year to show my love for my husband and to build our relationship. We've been through trials, we've been through changes, things weren't always the way we thought they would be. But we learned how marriage works together and marriage has been the greatest blessing of my life. Note: Just because I wrote all these down doesn't mean I'm perfect and follow every last tip, I'm not perfect and still have things to work on.

(PS, there is a very good chance the pictures won't all show up, I apologize for that but I don't think I'm going to take the time to fix them if they end up not showing. I'm trying to get ones that work but just know that there's a possibility of a blank picture. I also apologize for any grammatical issues, but again, not going through and fixing them.) 

So, here is a years worth of marriage tips, tricks, and advice... 365 days worth... A lot... As in, the longest blog post of my life... yeah... you don't have to read it all in one sitting.

1. Don't forget the kisses everyday!! 
2. When you burn the food, laugh. 
3. "Oh money, where did you go? Maybe we should keep track..."
4. Changes happen... again and again and again and again.
5. I think even grownups need a time-out sometimes. 
6. "How dare you do this! I'm so mad at you! [Insert How I Met Your Mother Quote here]" Laughter ensues, argument over. 
7. "I want to do this." "And I want to do this." Always make decisions together.
8. .....
   
9. Relax and take a trip, get away from being an adult. 
10. "Aww man, we eat out too much I'm getting fat!" You put on the weight together, take it off together. Gym time together can be super fun! 
11. "Life's a dance you learn as you go!"
12. Balancing school, work, homework, and life in general is difficult, but always, always, ALWAYS make your spouse your main priority.
13. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made.
14. When you watch a couple enough on TV, sometimes you start acting like them, and there is nothing wrong with that. 
    
15. Date nights become fewer, but sometimes that makes them all the more special.
16. Your in-laws can be family too and you can learn to love them as much as your own family. 
17. Sometimes Little Caesars Pizza is the best "going out to eat" can offer. 
18. Just hold your spouse for a minute a day. Just hold them and let them know you'll always be there for them. 
19. ... 
    
20. Love is meant to make you feel happy and wonderful. Accept it. 
21. Stop looking for the negative, every day find another positive.
22. .... 
    
23. Have confidence in your spouse and they will return the favor.
24. Make a cake, celebrate!
25. How do two people use so many dishes???
26. "I don't want to clean." "Me neither." "Let's make a game out of it!!!"
27. "Love is never ending!" 
28. Act like a child sometimes. If it's real love, your spouse will allow it.
29. You don't have to be exactly the same and like all the same things all the time... that just sounds exhausting.
30. A Disney movie sing-along and some popcorn is an excellent date night.
31. Marrying a fisherman means fish for dinner. 
32. And marrying a man who can cook fish very well is a good idea... because I dislike cooking. So I'm so grateful Chris can do it and do it well. 
33. ... 
    
34. Sometimes you have to remind your spouse how sexy you can be. And slutty. But you're married so it's okay. 
35. "Don't worry, be happy!" 
36. Car rides can be the absolute funnest thing with your spouse! Sing-alongs, car games, and long talks. Best thing ever!
37. Take time to step out of your comfort zone and do something the other one likes. Don't hide in your shell.
38. My husband is a soccer player and he's obsessed with the sport. He can tell you almost all the players in the EPL, he always knows the most current stats and news. Sometimes it can be hard with him always looking up soccer news on his phone, but when I go to his soccer games I can see that it's all just for the love of the game and it's so incredible seeing how happy it makes him. I'm proud to support my husband in something he loves.
39. Cooking together, making messes together, all means having fun together.
40. Hold hands. Be an otter.
41. Make your spouse feel beautiful... or handsome, pretty, ravishing, etc.
42. Just because you're married doesn't mean basic manners go out the window. Say yours please's and thank you's.
43. Take care of your spouse, "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health." 
    
44. Remind your spouse why you love them. Never let them forget it.
45. RESPECT. It's not dead. 
46. Make couple friends. Eat dinner together, bond over movies and games. 
47. "How can I help? What do you need?" ...are some of the greatest questions you can ask your spouse.
48. Spend as much time together as you can. He's going to the hardware store? Join him! Hold his hand as you walk through the aisles. 
49. Clean the car together and get in a water fight. Fun! 
50. Always look for ways to help. Helping others is incredibly important. 
51. "I love you" everyday. Every. Single. Day.
52. Let your spouse become your life. It's the greatest feeling in the world. 
    
53. "Nice butt." {wink wink} Let your spouse feel loved and sexy.
54. Laughter is the best medicine, especially in marriage.
55. Yes, you may be married for forever, but never let a single day go by without being grateful for your marriage.