My 2018 New Year's Resolutions

Hello friends! It's a new year and I always get so excited, hyping up the new year and hoping it'll be better than the last. The past few years have been hard, but 2017 overall was good. I got pregnant after three years of trying and a miscarriage, and I was so blessed to have my beautiful twins, who I'm just obsessed with. Yes, I spent most the year pregnant and miserable, and the medical bills have been an adventure, but 2017 was the best year I've had in a while. So good job 2017!

Last year I made tons of goals/resolutions for the year (which I'll talk about a little later on in this post). My whole reasoning was that with tons of goals, I would at least accomplish some of them. I didn't care about getting everything done on my list... I think part of me knew I would get pregnant and most my life plans/goals would change.

This year, I'm doing the complete opposite. Because I only have one goal. So if I don't accomplish it then it'll be really sad. Now, even though it's technically one goal, it has a few parts to it, so let's go over my goal for 2018.

TO WRITE

That's it. Very simple, straightforward, not complicated at all. But honestly, it will (hopefully) be the most impactful goal of my entire life.

I have said on this blog so many times that I want to be a book author. But have you seen any books of mine yet? Nope. Because I don't write enough. I was ten when I first knew I wanted to write. TEN! I'm now twenty-seven. That's seventeen years of wasted time! Honestly, I'm sick of being upset with myself, so we're doing this!!

As I said there are a few parts to it, so let's go over that.

First is possibly the obvious one, to write my books and finish a book. I have way too many story ideas written down and I just need to finish one. And yes, I would love to get published as soon as possible, but that's not going to be my goal until I complete a book.

The second is working on Heroes & Villains as well as a few other short story ideas I'm workshopping (which is the beginning of a whole other blog I'm thinking of, but that's another story for another day). I love Heroes & Villains but I don't work on it enough because I just want my readers to be caught up to where I am. I'm skipping ahead to the end, but forgetting to work on the foundation first. I've already been working on this quite a bit and you can expect the next collection of stories to start arriving very soon.

Lastly is writing on this blog. Every year I say I'm going to write more but then I never do. But I'm really thinking this will be my year. Why? Because I'm a stay-at-home mom who now has so much more time to work on blogging! I also have a friend who's going to help out with taking photos and that maybe someday I can convince to be my assistant because she's ridiculously organized and amazing at life. She's also my BFFL so working with her is like the ultimate dream job.

So, yeah, my goal this year is to write and that's it. But I'm really happy about it. I've never loved a goal more in my life nor have I ever been more motivated to reach a goal (except maybe last year with my whole pregnancy goal).

Here's just a recap of all my goals from last year and a look at what I was able to accomplish:

MY 2018 GOALS & RESOLUTIONS
	HEALTH		SPIRITUAL		BLOGGING
Yes	-Eat healthier	Yes	-Pray daily	No	-Find my style
Yes	-Get to sleep/rise early	No	-Read the Book of Mormon	No	-Work on the Chris & Kaylee Show
No	-Workout 4x per week	No	-Visit the temple monthly	Yes	-Find my voice
No	-Run a 5k	Maybe	-Become more Christlike	Yes	-Be myself
No	-Lose fat, gain muscle	No	-Give service daily	No	-Become a #BossBabe
Yes	-Dance	No	-Have family home evening	No	-Blog at least 2x per week
	HOME LIFE		FINANCIAL	No	-Get 2 blog sponsors
No	-Cook more	No	-Pay all bills on time	Yes	-Learn how to make money blogging
Yes	-Move into an apartment	No	-Save up money for a trip	Ish	-Start vlogging
No	-Clean home daily	No	-Become financially stable	No	-Take video editing course
No	-Craft more		FUN	No	-Be more active on social media
No	-Sew four projects	No	-Find 1 new city event a month	Yes	-Work on photography skills
No	-Grow a plant	No	-Explore everywhere		WRITING
	PERSONAL	No	-Visit museums	No	-Weekly writing prompts
Yes	-Think positively	No	-Sing more	Yes	-Find my voice
Yes	-Be a warrior	Yes	-Dance more	No	-Learn more
Yes	-Be a better wife	No	-Plan a trip	No	-Go to a writing conference
Yes	-Love more			No	-Take a writing course
Yes	-Work with passion			No	-Publish a short story on Amazon
Yes	-Find my voice			Yes	-Write 30 minutes a day
No	-Tell my story			No	-Read more
Yes	-Be myself
Yes	-Become pregnant/learn what my body needs to have a baby

So yeah... didn't do great. But as I mentioned, getting pregnant changed a lot of things. Especially when I found out it was twins. Small tangent here, I had every intention to keep working after having my baby until I learned it was twins. Because affording any sort of childcare for twins would be impossible. Though affording to live on one income is difficult as well, but we are picking our battles here.

Of course, just because I didn't reach those goals last year doesn't mean I'm completely giving up on them. Some of them are lifelong goals so I'll be continuing on with them in mind.

Last note, I always pick a theme song for the year and this year was just super difficult because there are so many that I thought of. So I made a whole playlist of them which you can listen to below. Basically, this year is about getting work done (which is ironic since I'm technically unemployed) and these are all songs that motivate me. But I did end up choosing one main one and you can read about it HERE.

Well, I think that's it for this post. Let me know your goals for the new year in the comment section below! Thanks, you're a hero! 

Birth Story | The Farnes Family

I suppose the story begins last Friday morning. I went in for a non-stress test appointment where they also discussed my mild preeclampsia. Shortly after that appointment, I got a phone call telling me I was officially on bedrest and basically had to lay around all day. I was also given a list of symptoms of my preeclampsia that if I experienced then I would have to go to labor and delivery.

Now, this was a real shock. Up until a few weeks prior, I had done really well with my pregnancy, I got around fairly easily, and while I was swollen like a balloon, I felt fine. I chose to start my maternity leave early on September 1st, simply so I could rest and try to keep my twins in until I would be induced on the 21st. I wanted to rest but didn't think my doctor would tell me to or that they might come earlier. I was certain they would wait until their induction date.

So I spent that day on my couch with Zoram and mentally prepared myself to deliver. Being told to go to the hospital for certain symptoms scared me. My hospital is 20 minutes from my apartment and can be annoying to get to. Not to mention that with both my baby girls breeched, I needed a cesarean and didn't want a random doctor giving me major surgery if I had to just rush in. I also didn't have my hospital bag ready and I still had things to purchase, like a second car seat.

I spent my day on the couch and slowly began feeling more and more contractions. When Chris got home from work we debated and discussed our options. We said a prayer and eventually decided to go to the hospital. I sat on my bed as Chris packed a bag for me and we left.

We spent a few hours at the hospital while they monitored my worsening contractions and my girl's heartbeats. They eventually decided that I would not be delivering that night, though I did have a UTI and was dehydrated. I was given an IV for fluids and two injections to relax my uterus and slow contractions. Finally, at 3am we went home and went straight to bed.

I spent my entire Saturday in bed, no longer feeling contractions and feeling more comfortable. Chris and I began to believe our girls would come later in the week so long as I kept on bedrest. I made plans to fix up my hospital bag and spent the day in peace.

Sunday morning I woke up feeling incredibly uncomfortable and sick. I ended up throwing up before I could even get any food in my stomach and couldn't even think about eating anything after. I showered and then laid in my bed watching YouTube.

Suddenly, I felt a gush of fluid that would not stop. I remained lying still on my bed as I continued to feel like I was peeing non-stop without any control. When it felt as if it had stopped, I rushed to my bathroom, sat on the toilet, and again began gushing more fluid.

Because I had twins, was 35 weeks along, had a scheduled c-section, and was no longer feeling any contractions, I never expected my water to break in this pregnancy. At all. Honestly, I was so surprised by it, that as I sat on the toilet I was on my phone Googling to be 100% sure that this was real. Eventually, I shouted out to Chris on the couch and told him what was happening.

Chris went into a very calm, controlled, rushed mode to grab everything we needed, get me ready with fluid still leaking from me, and get us out to the car and to the hospital. He held my hand the whole ride, didn't seem scared or nervous at all, and he was acting so excited. I, on the other hand, was still incredibly nauseated, my back was aching and cramping like crazy, and I felt incredibly weak and just tired.

In the hospital, they got me in a bed and there was no doubt that I was having my babies soon. They went into all the prep, my parents showed up, excited to get their first grandkids on grandparents day, my sister and her new hubby showed up, and all the while I laid in the hospital bed, just wanting to sleep and feeling more and more painful cramps.

Honestly, it was only a few hours later until I was wheeled into the operating room. The on-call doctor was one who was previously recommended to me when I had to originally switch doctors for my insurance. I got to meet her and was comfortable with her performing my c-section.

I was given the typical anesthesia, which I hated due to my major fear and distaste for needles. They laid me down as I started to grow numb, my arms were strapped down (still don't know why), a curtain was set up to block my view of what was happening, and Chris sat beside me, holding my hand and doing his best to comfort me.

I felt tugging and pulling in my abdomen, but was numb enough to feel no pain. It was a strange feeling though. It felt like no time at all before our first little girl entered the world, followed only a minute later by her sister. My Zoey and Makell were born.

Chris left with the girls while I was sewn up. Fun fact, apparently when they are tugging at your uterus, your shoulder hurts. It was some of the most intense pain of my life and I really struggled to remain calm. Weird that in getting a c-section my worst pain would be in my right shoulder.

I was wheeled back into a room where my family was waiting. I honestly don't remember what else happened that day because I was in and out of sleep.

I didn't get to see my girls that day. And that night I was throwing up and hyperventilating. I was dealing with too much of my own issues to go see my girls. Chris was with them often though, taking our family members into the NICU to visit them.

The next day I had nurses in and out of my room looking over me and eventually, I was feeling well enough that Chris put me in a wheelchair and took me to the NICU to visit our girls.

Today my girls are one week old and still in the NICU. I have since left the hospital and absolutely hate being away from them, but am so grateful for the nurses at the NICU and everything they are doing for my girls.

My daughters are doing considerably well. Makell is on oxygen as she tends to struggle with breathing, especially after eating. For a while, Zoey was under ultralight therapy for jaundice. But she has gotten better and is now off the lights. Both girls are being fed through a tube. We often try to give them a bottle, but they don't take much on their own. They are preemies and haven't fully developed their rooting and sucking skills, but we're easing them into it.

They both have an issue with throwing up their food though, particularly Makell. Because I'm not really producing much breast milk, they are having formula. The regular formula seemed to upset, they moved over to soy, and now Makell is on another formula. They are worried they have a lactose issue so they are no longer even giving them the little milk I produce unless I go completely dairy free (which is something Chris and I are considering and discussing).

Zoey and Makell will be released from the NICU once they can learn to eat and show signs of consistent weight gain. We're predicting about a week, but you never know. I do have little warrior babies and we believe they can get home soon, but it's very hard to wait.

I visit my girls every day, though not nearly as much as when I was in the hospital or as much as I would like. I love my daughters so much. They are absolutely perfect, they make me cry all the time because of how precious, petite, and perfect they are. I just want to hold them all the time and it kills me that I can't.

I am grateful for the NICU for easing me into parenthood and teaching me how best to care for them. The nurses there are so kind and amazing. They love our girls and take such good care of them.

It's amazing to see Chris as a father. He's still getting used to it, still may have a bit more of a connection to our dog right now, but he honestly loves these girls so much and takes care of them (and me) the best he can. Honestly, as I lay in my hospital bed, unable to visit them, I knew I could count on Chris to be visiting them often and checking up on them.

Happy one week to my beautiful girls!

Makell

Zoey

Makell

Makell and her mommy

Makell and mom and dad

Zoey under the light therapy

How Zoey really feels about light therapy

Yawning Makell

Zoey and her cute hat 

32 Weeks Pregnant | Little Life Stories

I've had your fairly standard pregnancy thus far. You know, get pregnant while living with your parents (awkward), move into a beautiful (albeit at the top of your price range) apartment, are fantastically sick, learn the reason you're so sick is because you're actually pregnant with twins, realize the beautiful third floor apartment you now live in is impractical for both pregnancy and having two babies (so... many... stairs...), your car breaks and you have to purchase a new one (which is a great car, but now you have more monthly bills), impress everyone with the way your morning sickness vanished and you're suddenly doing just fine, surprise everyone with how well babies are doing and how your belly isn't as big as the moon (though your feet begin to swell to the size of the moon), and are still able to participate in summer family vacations and get around just fine.

You know, standard pregnancy.

Until 31 weeks hits you like a ton of bricks and you're suddenly faced with your belly aching because your girls don't have enough room, feeling like your ribs are broken, waking up twice a night to pee and struggling to get out of the bed, barely being able to breathe, feet bigger than King Kong's and hurt with each step, back pain, pelvic pain, stressing over all the things you have to do and/or buy before babies arrive, doctors appointments twice a week taking up your time, and just living with general discomfort and pain.

You know, standard pregnancy.

Today I am 32 weeks pregnant, went to my doctors for one of my twice a week non-stress tests, and told my doctor that I was done. With work. See, I've been working full-time up until this point and while I enjoy my job, and am good at my job, being in the office 40 hours a week is beyond exhausting. I'm up and down out of my seat all day, don't have time to put my giant feet up, and when I get home am too tired to tackle the long list of things I need to do (partially just from all the stairs I have to climb to get home after work).

I can't clean my home after 8 hours of work, which leaves cleaning for the weekend, but my weekends are often too busy with baby or bridal showers, vacations, and other tasks that need to be done. I haven't had a full weekend at home in probably a month, and my apartment shows it.

Chris does so much to help out and typically he's the one doing the cleaning. But that's not always fair. Yes, I'm pregnant, but I'm ridiculously stubborn and hate having people do things for me. I hate admitting I may need help and having Chris do all the work around the house makes me feel like a bad wife and a lazy human being.

And let's not even get into what'll happen after babies come and I will be leaving my job, leaving Chris to be the sole money maker in the home (unless this blog finally starts making me money at some point). I've always been someone who wants to work. Being a mom is a job, but transitioning out of full-time employment in an office to full-time mom duties will definitely be a change for me. But in having twins, it would not be possible for me to continue my job. Trust me, I've looked at it from every angle, this is the best solution for me and my girls.

Anyways, today I got my doctor to write a note saying I can only work 20 hours a week up until my official maternity leave, which is only five weeks away. My boss was super accommodating, he understands my situation and wants what is best for me and my babies (which, reading through pregnancy forums, is actually a rare thing, I'm pretty lucky I work where I do).

Switching to part-time is a huge weight off my shoulders, despite the financial strain this causes. But I believe that things will work out. I've been looking for part-time online positions I can do from home for some extra cash and have been researching on how I can make money through this blog (because over 5 years and not a single cent is pretty sad). But also, from experience, I can say that I blog a lot more when I'm not working. Like today. I'm actually posting something because I didn't have to work. Therefore, working part-time and when babies come, I'm sure I'll have a lot more blog posts for you guys.

This post was mostly me complaining/venting, which John Tesh told me I shouldn't be doing. But I hope you'll forgive me this one time and I'll work on less complaining on this blog in the future.

In summary, being pregnant isn't my favorite and hasn't been easy on me. I'm beyond thrilled for my girls to arrive and to be a mom. They have stayed very healthy through this whole pregnancy and I couldn't be happier about that, but me, personally, I'm falling apart at this point. But I have five weeks left until I'm being induced and I want them to stay in until them to give them the best chance at a healthy delivery and life.

Well, if you've made it to the end of this post, congratulations! Here's your reward: a couple of photos from an impromptu, unofficial maternity shoot from one of my favorite photographers, and my friend, Mariah.

BTW, that dress is too short now because of how big my belly has gotten and these were taken a month ago. I'm growing like crazy! Good for babies, not so good for me personally.

Also, please check out more of Mariah's photos on her Instagram page by CLICKING HERE. She did my sister's engagement photos and they were so gorgeous and she's a Farnes family friend so she's done a lot for us. If you live in Utah, particularly Davis County, check her out. She's amazing.

Lastly, up until recently, this dress has been my go-to for a comfy, cute outfit. Here are some similar dresses, all $50 or less, that I would have also loved.

One Year | A Letter To My Miscarried Child

Dear Lil Pumpkin,

Today would be your first birthday. When your dad and I discussed that the other day we were both amazed. We couldn't picture ourselves as parents to a one-year-old.

It's amazing what I year can do. A year ago I was still suffering, still crying on a daily basis from losing you, lost to my religion, lost to any direction in my life, and broken, seemingly beyond any repair.

Now a year later, I hardly ever cry, despite thinking of you on a daily basis, I'm stronger in my religion than I have been in years, I have a new job, new life goals, and I am pregnant with your younger sibling.

At thirteen weeks I am still terrified of what might happen. I was fifteen weeks when I found out I had lost you. Your Aunt was much further along when she lost your cousin Jamison. I don't see pregnancy as a guarantee and I'm constantly worried about what might happen.

I don't believe I could survive another miscarriage. Not now at least. I was meant to have a one-year-old by now, but I don't. I was meant to be a mother for a year now, but I'm not. And I still have to wait until October to become one.

I have so many fears with this pregnancy. What if I lose this one too? What do I say when people ask if this is my first? Do I talk about you? What if I begin to forget about you? Will this child be healthy? Will they survive? How could I possibly cope with losing another child?

I hope to never, not even for a day, forget about you. You are my first child, my angel child. I had prayed and waited a year for you. I prayed daily that you would be healthy and safe, and came to terms with the fact that you would be safer and healthier if you never came to earth.

Not a day has passed since you left that I haven't thought about you. Every holiday over the past year I thought about how different our celebrations would have been with you there. I miss you and I hope you know I could never replace you, but I need a child. One I can hold and care for.

I'll always love you. I'm grateful for the time I had with you. And I'm grateful that I get another opportunity to become a mother on earth.

Watch over all your siblings until it's their time to come. I know you're a great big sibling.

Love,

Your Mother

Will Blogging Ever NOT Be Hard For Me?

That's a serious question. I want a serious answer. For reals, I make all these goals, I set plans, schedule posts, have a ginormous list of posts I want to write, and then I still go over a month without posting. Will blogging ever become easy for me? And if so, how do I speed up that process?

Despite having a freaking long list of posts, I'm in a writer's rut. I can't even get myself to work on Heroes & Villains which has an actual deadline and is insanely important to me. If anything, that should be my focus, but I can't even bring myself to do that.

I've also filmed quite a few videos to put on my YouTube channel, but once I get to editing, I panic that they aren't good enough and just discard them. They still exist, but will probably never be posted for public viewing.

I'm just stuck between my high expectations and reality. See, I have a very, very vivid imagination, which I love and I think that's what allows me to be a writer. But in my imagination, I see myself as a successful blogger, YouTuber, and writer. And when I realize that I started my blog four years ago and nothing has come of it, I get insanely discouraged.

I've never been the type of person who always believes in myself. In fact, I've spent many years of my life struggling with self-loathing. I am so good at putting myself down and making myself believe that no matter how hard I try, I won't amount to anything. I started writing stories at the age of 10. Freaking ten years old! I'm now 26 and have nothing to show for it but Heroes & Villains (which, again, I'm very proud of, but still, it's not a published book).

Let's not forget that life gets in the way. I would love to travel and do more posts about that, but I've never had a job that allows that. And I hope to someday be able to blog as my job in order to do that, but how do I get there if I'm always at jobs that keep me from blogging?

I know I'm overthinking it. I think that's a family trait. But I can't help that I get so caught up in what I want that I can't see the present for what it could be. I can imagine blogging as a career all I want, but unless I take the time today to do something about it, that dream will never come true.

I want to rebrand a bit, change what kinds of posts I do. I think that giving myself a more specific niche will help me to actually blog.

I've read dozens of blog posts about "How to be a Successful Blogger" or "How to Make a Career From Blogging" and I keep looking at those posts as things that I can do in the future. But I need to start looking at them as things I can do now. I'm certain I could make my dreams a reality if I just learn to stop being lazy, stop thinking about the unrealistic future, and focus on what I can do now.

I am honestly, probably one of the laziest people you will ever meet. Today I didn't leave my bed all day. I didn't even take my dog outside to let him pee. Granted, I am also sick so there was a slight necessity to my laziness, but even I am getting to a point where I'm sick of my own laziness.

And instead of lying in bed listening to podcasts (I personally love Not Too Deep with Grace Helbig) and watching YouTube videos (I think my Thatcher Joe obsession is getting to be a little bit too much) why didn't I just work on one of the many blog posts I have planned? Even if it doesn't get posted for a while, why didn't I just start?

I don't really know what this post is about, other than letting you know how much of a failure I often believe I am, but I hope (and I can only hope) that this post leads to more soon. Better ones. Much better ones. In fact, I have a good one coming in a few weeks. It's currently my only planned post, I'm very excited for it, but after it's posted I don't really know what else to do.

Anyways, I should end this post now before I embarrass myself too much because, quite honestly, I'm embarrassed to admit all this. Especially the thing about not letting my dog out to pee. In my defense, Zoram laid around and slept all day with me. He didn't whine or show any signs of needing to go until I started putting shoes on to pick up my husband from work. But I am sorry Zoram. I love you very much and I know you can't read, but I hope you can find it in your little heart to forgive me.

And to end this post here's a picture of my adorable dog.

Oh... And this picture was taken on the bathroom floor of my new apartment... which I never mentioned on here that I moved and barely even said it on social media. I'm failing. Sorry.

How To Be Happy

I'm sorry to disappoint, but I don't have the answer. I can't tell you how to be happy when happiness is something that often evades me. But that doesn't mean I don't continue to try and find happiness. Nor does it mean that I can't help you find happiness as well.

See, happiness is often said to be a decision. We are often told that if we want to be happy, then we can make ourselves happy. But as someone with depression, I have to say that's bull. Happiness is something I work so hard for, yet I often fall short. And it's not because I didn't decide to be happy, it's because depression distorts my mind.

Happiness is not just a decision. It takes work sometimes. If happiness is something that you want in your own life, here are a couple of things you can do to help find happiness in your own life.

1. Read positive daily mantras

I recently created a note on my phone with my mantras. I read these every morning and every night. I also read them when I feel I need a pick-me-up. When I move into my apartment I plan to hang these on my bathroom mirror so I automatically see them in the morning when getting ready and at night while brushing my teeth..

Your mantras should relate to you personally. Scoure the internet, Pinterest, music, books, whatever to help you find a few short sentences that will lift you up and make you want to be better.

Here are my current daily mantras. I'm sure this list will change at many times in my life, but here is what I need in my life currently:

"With God life is oh so good!" 

(This is a quote by Al Carraway, my current blogger obsession.)

You are perfect, God makes no mistakes.

"Who you are is not where you've been."

(This is from an amazing Taylor Swift song called "Innocent." I would link the quote to my Spotify, but T-Swift took her songs off Spotify, something I can never forgive her for.)

You are beautiful, inside and out.

"Do you like the person you've become?" 

(This is from my theme song for the year, "The Weight of Living: Part II" by Bastille. Read about why it's my theme song by CLICKING HERE.)

I am a warrior.

(This relates to my tattoo. Read about why I got my tattoo by CLICKING HERE.)

By reading these mantras daily, I find happiness comes a bit easier. Repetition helps us learn, and repetition can help us to think more positively. 

2. Have faith

Whether it's faith in God, faith the sun will rise, faith that things can't get any worse, having faith will bring you happiness. We as humans need something to believe in. We wouldn't get up in the morning and commute to a job we dislike if we didn't have faith that it will bring us money or something better in the future. We always believe in something. 

For anyone new to my blog, in November 2015 I had a miscarriage and lost my first child. Without faith, I would have never survived that experience. My heart still aches when I think about it and I still cry over my lost child often, but I have faith that I will see my child again and that someday, somehow, I will be able to become a mother. 

When you are feeling low, and happiness is too difficult to find, figure out what it is that you have faith in. Do you have faith that you will survive the pain? Do you have faith that you are loved? Do you have faith that you will be successful? Take that faith, cling to it, and you will make it through whatever trial you're going through. 

3. Find the things that make you happy...

For a while I did "Happy Tuesday" posts, where I literally just listed the things that had made me happy the previous week. The act of writing down what made me happy, made me feel happier. It was often the littlest things that brought me the most happiness. 

Here are a few examples of the things that make me happiest:

Dancing. Music. Cows. Writing. Notebooks. Zoram Gerrard. My husband. Reading. Makeup. Food. Sugary food. Rain. How To Train Your Dragon. Binge watching TV shows on Netflix. Pinterest. And more. 

I recently found a Tumblr post (which is now lost in the internet world) that said something along the lines of, there is no excuse too small to not commit suicide. At the age of 17 I was suicidal. I survived for various reasons, but one of the main ones was that I knew my family loved me, and I refused to hurt them, even if it meant I was suffering myself. 

Also at the age of 17 I met an incredible friend by the name of Colton. He was the first person I ever told about my depression. He invented Happy Tuesdays with me and every Tuesday we would hang out together. I looked forward to my Tuesdays every week to be with the person who made me laugh the most. Tuesdays became one of my small reasons to not commit suicide. 

Everyone finds happiness in different ways and I encourage each one of you to find what makes you the happiest and go out and do it. (Unless it's illegal, maybe don't do that, maybe find something that's morally good as well as happy. Just a thought.)

(If any of you are contemplating suicide, please check out the resources in THIS POST for help. You can also email me at thedancingcowblogger@gmail.com if you need someone to talk to. I'm here for you. I know what it's like, you are not alone, and you can find help and you will survive.)

4. ...And get rid of the things that bring you unhappiness

This past year I moved from Logan to the Salt Lake Valley to live with my parents. Did I ever expect, or want, to be twenty-six years old, married, and living in my parent's basement? Not really. But I left Logan because I was unhappy. Logan had become the place I dropped out of college, the place I lost my child, the place so many bad things had happened to me, and I just couldn't take it anymore. 

Could I have waited until we could afford an apartment of our own? Sure. But I was unhappy and needed to do something about it right away. So I did. I was offered a job and I got out of Logan as fast as I could, with my supportive husband by my side. 

There are certain things we can't just get rid of immediately. I would like someday to be a full-time blogger and writer, no longer having to work for companies. Quitting my job and dedicating my life to writing would make me happy, but the stress of unemployment and struggling for money means that I have to endure and have faith (ah ha, see, #2 totally is important) that what I am doing now will help me to get where I want to be. 

But any of the little things in your life that are bringing you down you need to get rid of. This can be done in many different ways. For example: Do you have a friend who is constantly bringing you down? Maybe it's time to find a new friend. Does your weight make you unhappy? Put in the work to get rid of it and become stronger.  Do you not feel comfortable in your wardrobe? Sell it and buy new clothes. Does college make you absolutely miserable? Maybe you need a break, or a different major, or a different location. 

If you want to be happy you have to put in the work and that includes staying away from whatever brings you down. 

5. Build strong relationships

I cannot imagine my life without Chris. He is my soulmate, best friend and everything in between. He is many times the only reason I find the strength to get up in the morning. He gives me so much love and he only wants me to be happy. My relationship with my husband is a strong bond that I never expected was possible. 

If my husband is not around and I just need someone to hug, who loves me, and is always happy to see me, I turn to Zoram Gerrard, my dog. Zoram is such a snuggler and his snuggles often bring a smile to my face even in the darkest of times. 

But most importantly, the relationship I turn to most when I am feeling unhappy or weak, is my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I know that my Father in Heaven knows every pain that I am going through, he has a plan for my life, he does not want me to suffer, and if I rely on him and trust in him, then I can be happy. 

I have so many wonderful relationships in my life with my parents, siblings, friends, and coworkers. Building these relationships brings me happiness. As I mentioned before, I would never do anything to hurt my family. I put them above myself. Their happiness means to world to me. And more often than not, when we work to make other people happy, we find happiness ourselves. 

Whether your strongest relationships are with family, friends, spouses, God, or even your pet, build up that relationship until you cannot break it. That person then becomes your rock, someone you can turn to when you need help. I promise you that everyone has someone in their lives that loves them. Love them back, with all you have, and you will find happiness through each other. 

What in your life brings you the most happiness? 

Let me know in the comments below! 

Theme Song 2017

Hello my friends! I've gotten quite a few new followers over the last year, so to all my new internet friends... hello! My name is Kaylee Farnes, and every year I pick a "theme song" to help guide me through the year. I started doing it back when I first started college and it's been the one thing that stuck... because resolutions always fail.

For 2016 my theme song was "Tomorrow Never Comes" by the Zac Brown Band. I'd say it was a fairly influential theme song for me. I took a risk and started my writing career with Heroes & Villains. I have talked about becoming a writer the majority of my life, but I finally did something about it this year, and I'm really happy about it.

I like to think the song worked in helping me begin my writing career. SUCCESS!!

This year's song is incredibly different and perhaps controversial because at first glance it should not be an inspiring song, however, over the past few months a single phrase from this song keeps running through my head over and over again.

I wanted this as my theme song but I kept talking myself out of it because it's not a positive song... not necessarily. But the other day I found this amazing quote that totally fits with the song and it secured the song as my theme song for 2017!

"For what it's worth, it's never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start over." 

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

Beautiful quote by a wonderful author. 

My theme song of the year is "The Weight of Living II" by Bastille. I'm in love with this song. It was featured in my playlist of songs that describe who I am in 2016 and the lyrics honestly describe and speak to me in such an important way. 

"Do you like the person you've become?"

I have spent the majority of 2016 in a deep depression. At the end of 2015, I lost my child and I have been unable to get pregnant this year. I've spent the entire year holding back in doing the things I wanted because I never knew if I was pregnant, and once a month I would cry for basically an entire day when I learned I wasn't. Beyond that, my sister-in-law lost her child Jamison and the Farnes family has been struggling. 2016 was without a doubt the worst year of my life (and in 2008 I was suicidal so that's really saying something) and I am so insanely happy that it's over.

Now I realize that just because it's a new year doesn't mean that things will magically get better. But there comes a point where you lose all hope in a year. I lost all hope for 2016, but not for 2017. I can find excitement in 2017, where for the past few months there was no excitement to be found.

The potential doesn't come from a new year coming, it comes from me. If I put in the work, I can make 2017 a good year.

Let's go back to the song. For a long time I could not get the phrase "Do you like the person you've become?" out of my head. It haunted me. Because for the majority of 2016, my answer would be no. But if you combine the quote and the song, it describes my feelings for 2017.

"Do you like the person you've become?"

 "I hope you find the strength to start over."

Despite the dislike for myself this year, I have never given up on myself. I still believe I have potential. If I want to be a writer, I can be. I've already started on that journey. If I want to be a fashion blogger, I can be. Just because I never have money doesn't mean I can't find creative ways to do it. If I want to make YouTube videos, I can do it. Even if they don't start out very good, the more practice I get, the better they'll become.

A lot of the lyrics of this song speak to me. I could talk for a long time about the lyrics (it comes with spending the majority of my college career writing essays analyzing writing) but the only line that matters is the one I've said before.

Every time I think of that phrase, I answer the question, and if my answer is no, then it's time to make a difference.

"It's never too late to be whoever you want to be."

💗

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Do you pick out a theme song for each year? Let me know your song or your goals for 2017 in the comments below! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 

Songs About Me 2016

Hello friends. This is going to be a slightly depressing post, just giving you a heads up. Okay, great, enjoy!

For the past month, I'm just done with 2016. This has by far been the worst year of my life and I just want it to end. Yes, my miscarriage happened in 2015, and that was the worst thing that's ever happened to me, but the aftermath of that miscarriage took over the majority of 2016. I am so over 2016. Just be done already!!

Anyways....

A few weeks ago I made a giant list of all my goals and resolutions for 2017 because I'm ready for a new year and a fresh start. (Oh my gosh, just be 2017 already!!!!) I will most likely share all those goals when 2017 gets closer and I've weeded through them and have the specific New Years Resolutions to share (I currently have two pages of goals so they can't all be New Year's Resolutions).

But to finish up this year (because I'm so willing to skip to the end, yes, that includes skipping over Christmas, just let 2016 end, please, please please, I am begging) I made a playlist of 10 songs that describe my 2016!

I want this to be an annual thing. For me to make playlists of songs that have influenced and/or describe the way my year went. Therefore, since I'm quoting this as the worst year of my life, you can bet they are not all happy songs for this year.

I have reasons for each song so I want to go over why each one was chosen. These were all chosen very carefully and I want to share my reasoning with you. So just press play on the Spotify playlist below, enjoy some amazing songs and read about each one.

I'll go in order of the playlist, even though it's a weird, not very thought out order. Okay? Great.

Unsteady - X Ambassadors

I'm a huge fan of this song. My mom thinks it's too repetitive, my husband doesn't like his voice, but I'm obsessed. I could not have made it through this year with the amazing people (and pet) I have in my life. But besides Zoram, my biggest rock through this year was Chris. I was "unsteady" in so many ways this year, but Chris helped me stand up tall and make it through. I needed him and I love his support more than he may ever understand. I love my soulmate.

Sit Still, Look Pretty - Daya

This song isn't depressing! Lately, girl-power type songs are my favorite. I have a ton on my phone that I just listen to randomly when I need to be uplifted and find a little confidence. While this is definitely a newer addition to my girl-power list, there's just a few of the lyrics that always stick out to me when I hear this song on the radio.

"Oh, I don't know what you've been told but this gal right here's gonna rule the world"

 I don't want to be what people want me to be. I have goals for myself and I'm going to make them happen. I am going to be a book author. Heroes & Villains is going to prove that I'm a writer and I truly believe that it can be big (considering it will never end). I will find the success and happiness I want without working in a job people want or expect me to. I believe that I can rule my own world and I'm not going to let someone tell me how to do it.

Stressed Out - Twenty-One Pilots

Oh goodness, the words in this song speak to me.

"Used to dream of outer space but now they're laughing in our face saying 'Wake up you need to make money.'"

I'm probably contradicting myself, but while I want to be a writer, this year was so overwhelming feeling like I couldn't do it because I needed to work a real job. Being a grown up sucks. And being a child and not having to deal with all the stress just sounds so appealing, but impossible to attain again. I was constantly stressed this year. This song was my life this year... stressed out.

The Weight Of Living II - Bastille

Oh, Bastille. How I love you so very, very, truly, totally, absolutely, wholly, and completely. I have been obsessing over this album this year and listen to it constantly. I love every track on the album and have learned almost all the words. But lately the words to this song have stuck out to me a lot:

"Do you like the person you've become?"

 Short and sweet, this question has echoed in my mind for a while now. I have asked myself this question quite a bit lately and when I begin to think my answer is "no" I think of ways to change myself and change my answer. I'm greatly considering making this my theme song of 2017, so I might get back to this at a later date...

All Will Be Well - Gabe Dixon

(Every time I listen to this song I ask Chris "Bonus points if you can name what show this is on!" He always forgets. But they answer is Parks & Recreation when Andy and April are driving to the Grand Canyon. Now you know and can get bonus points.)

I think about the title of this song a lot. "All will be well." The lyrics to this song are absolutely incredible because it's not saying that life if perfect and everything will always be amazing all the time. It's saying that times can be hard, people make mistakes, you have to work to find what you want in life, and you don't know how you'll get there, but you have to just believe that over time things will turn out for the best.

I have an obsession with this song and could probably pull out my English major skills and write a whole essay on it. I think anyone who is like me and suffers from depression should listen to this song and really think through the words. All will be well.

Don't Panic - Coldplay

Similar to "All will be well" the phrase "We live in a beautiful world" has crossed my mind a lot throughout this year. Despite how much I just raved about Bastille, Coldplay is, in all reality, my favorite band. They have music and lyrics that speak to me in a way no other artist has been able to do.

This song is short and sweet and every time I'm outside, looking at the world I live in, I think the worlds "We live in a beautiful world." It's comforting to me in a way that I'm not sure I can explain. Perhaps it's that despite all the horribleness of this year, I've seen some pretty amazing and beautiful things and it's humbling to be surrounded by such beauty.

Tomorrow Never Comes - Zac Brown Band

Hey, it's my theme song for the year! That's right, I never forgot about it through the year. I still think about and listen to this song a lot. Its message is very strong and clear. We don't know what's going to come, so we have to live now. I'm not going to go into much more depth on this. You can read why I picked it as my theme song by CLICKING HERE.

Butterflies and Hurricanes - Muse

This was my theme song for 2015! Can we talk about how incredible Muse is? And how I never noticed just how incredible until this year? I am loving Muse so much. Okay, great discussion, thanks.

You can read why I picked it as my 2015 theme song by CLICKING HERE, but I do have a few things to say as well.

First of all, the title. No two words describe my year better. Butterflies, like butterflies in my stomach. Nervousness, anxiousness, and a jittery uneasiness has plagued this entire year. And hurricanes, a destructive force in a wave crashing over my life. I'm a little dramatic sometimes. It comes with being a writer (and it being the middle of the night and not having gotten a good night's sleep in over a week).

So yes, the title alone describe my year wonderfully, but we cannot ever forget the words to this song. It's so empowering to me. If I ever need a pick me up, I listen to this song.

 "You've got to change the world and use this chance to be heard." 

Ah! Love those words so very much. I have done my best to use my depression, anxiety, and miscarriage to help others. Recently I was able to speak with someone who helped me realize that the things I say on here really do help some people. While these are the things that are hardest to talk about, they need to be heard. We can't pretend they don't exist. And it's my chance to be heard, and change the world.

Warrior - Demi Lovato

I have talked about this song a lot on this blog. Too many times to know where to look for links. This is the song that got me through this year. This is the song that gets me through my depression. This is the song that gives me strength to keep going when I feel like giving up.

After my miscarriage, and even sometimes before, I wrote the word "Warrior" on my wrist so I could look down at it and feel stronger. It sat above my scars and kept me from cutting or injuring myself again. It helped protect me when I felt my weakest. This song, this word, has helped save me countless times.

For my 26th birthday this year I got the word officially tattooed on my wrist. I want to write up a full post on it because there is some controversy in my decision, given my religious beliefs, but just know, that this was not impulsive, it was fully thought through, and I believe it was one of the best decisions I've made for myself in a long time.

We All Need Saving - Jon McLaughlin

Ah, my love, Jon McLaughlin. Random tangent, I saw him in concert last Friday and it was just him and his piano and no band and... oh my gosh... I love him so much. I'm sorry Chris. It's a different sort of love, I promise. You're still my soulmate and one true love, Chris.

I think that this song is incredibly important and has been for many years. Because living with depression feels like you're alone. Going through my miscarriage, I was certain no one understood what I was going through and what I was feeling. That's not true, though.

"I don't know why it has to be this way and I don't know the cure, but please believe that someone else has felt this before."

 This sentence has meant different things to me at different times. While my religious beliefs have waivered a lot this year, I have never once doubted in the reality and healing power of The Atonement. We are never alone and we are not the only ones who have felt the way we do. "We all need saving" and we can't be afraid to ask for help when we need it.

No matter what you're feeling, you are not alone and you can ask for help from a friend, family member, God, and always me. Because I believe no one should hide their pain, and when you're hurting, you have to find the courage to ask for help.

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Well, that was nice, it ended up a lot less depressing than I thought it would be. We also got a lot of different genres, so that was fun. 

Thanks for bearing with me through this post and the random and completely unedited photos. I promise I will post more about my tattoo soon because I have a lot to say about it. 

Let me know in the comments below what songs describe your year! And please tell me I'm not the only one anxiously waiting for this year to end... Thanks, love you, bye.

This weirdness of this post was brought to you by exhaustion. Get some sleep and don't let it happen to you!