3 Months Old

My baby girls are three months old today!! Here are a few more facts about them not shown on their chalkboards.

-Only in the past month have we started reading to them. They are loving it though and just wiggle around when it's storytime.

-These girls LOVE their pacifiers and almost always have them in their mouths.

-They are smiling now, but it's rare and super hard to get on camera. But if you follow my Instagram account (@_cowgirlkaylee_) I post a lot to my story and you can see more smiles on there.

-Nicknames: Lately we've been calling Makell "Mini Marshmallow" because of her adorable chubby cheeks but we have always called her Miss Makell. For Zoey we stick with Zo or Miss Zo.

-My girls are on a specific "no spit-up" formula, but they almost never spit-up anymore even when we try them on other formulas. So yay!

-Zoram is now more into them and loves to lick their feet and hands, and the girls love him back. They stare at him a lot and seem to enjoy him. I'm glad my girls won't be afraid of dogs like I was the majority of my life.

-They love hugging blankets which is so like their mom.

-My girls are not afraid of strangers and will let anyone hold them or get near them. We think the NICU prepared them for that because of all the different nurses taking care of them.

-Chris and I think they're getting so big, but then we see other three-month-old babies and realize how little ours are. They're premies though so it makes sense. And little petite girls are adorable.

-They can both basically hold their heads up. I don't really have to support their heads anymore, but I also don't trust them in certain circumstances.

-They love going on adventures with mom and dad in their carriers. (See my Instagram account.)

-They are out of newborn clothes. The onesies they're pictured in are actually newborn, but tight, so this is the last time for these pink ones.

-They are very chill babies who can entertain each other and don't cry that often. But every now and then they just get irritated and it looks a bit like this. But still, they're very calm and quiet.

-Unless they're hungry, in which case, they scream.

-Starting this past week they sleep about ten hours straight at night, which would be lovely if my dog hadn't gotten used to middle of the night feedings, and now Zoram wakes me up instead of them.

-These pictures don't do their cuteness justice, so here's them with Santa.

(They're both looking over at me on the side. They honestly love staring at me. No complaints with that.)

SONEic Sound Machine | Product Review

I was blessed to have so many people in my life give gifts to my girls. Honestly, everyone just killed it on my baby registry. My family is so lucky that we have such great family and friends, we could not be more grateful.

One of the gifts we received off my registry (thanks Aunt Cherene) was a sound machine. To be honest, I didn't do much research on any particular sound machine, I registered for this one mostly based on cost. But I have loved my sound machine these past few weeks and my girls love it too.

So here is my pros and cons list about the SONEic Sound Machine*.

You can purchase this product by clicking below*.

PROS:

-This machine doesn't just have white noise. There are many different options to choose from. My girls and I prefer gray noise at night while we're sleeping, but the rain, ocean, and brook are fun ones too.

-Though I haven't used it, this sound machine has a timer. So if you wanted to not waste electricity or don't need it playing all night, then you can easily set a timer to have it automatically shut off.

-It's an easy turn on or off knob, and when you start it up it goes to the last sound you had it on.

-This can be powered either by batteries or a USB, making this machine portable.

-The machine comes with a headphone jack. I haven't used it, I'm not entirely sure why someone would use headphones to listen to just sounds, but it's an option. This would also give you the option to plug it into an external speaker, for when you want to play it really loud, I guess.

-This may not apply to you, but the sounds don't seem to affect or bother my dog. This is important to me because I have a dog that barks at everything. He even seems to do well with the thunder sound and maybe I can use it to train him to not bark at real thunder. We'll see.

-It's a very lightweight machine (though I don't have batteries in it, which I'm sure makes a slight difference). It's small and not bulky which allows me to move it around the house easily. 

CONS:

-The volume knob is touchy. It takes a little while to adjust it to the volume that you want.

-Why on earth would someone want to listen to whistling wind while they're trying to sleep? I just want someone to explain why that noise is on there because I personally just don't get it.

-Many of the sounds begin to sound repetitive, which obviously they are, but for instance, the first night I listened to the ocean noise, which I enjoyed but after a while, I knew exactly when the big wave would crash. It got too predictable and then I had a hard time ignoring it. The reason we listen to the gray noise is that while it may be repetitive, it's so steady that I can sleep easily with it playing in the background. It's predictable in a different way that allows me to ignore it.

MY REVIEW:

As you may have gathered from my Pros/Cons list, my girls do sleep in my bedroom with me in their bassinets. Every night when I turn on the sound machine, it's for me too. This machine seems to help my girls sleep. It also helps me differentiate night and day for my girls, seeing as we only turn it on at night (I plan on writing up a post on how we taught our girls the difference between night and day in the future). I personally am not bothered by it at all and neither is my husband (though that man sleeps through everything, including his crying children).

This sound machine sits at the bottom price range of $20 along with a few others. However, of the other $20 machines I personally feel this one has the most features, has the cleanest look, and has a good variety of sounds. While I haven't tried out the other machines, I enjoy mine very much and am happy with my decision to put it on my registry.

I would recommend this machine to others. The gray noise helps soothe my children and allows them to sleep easier. It's easy to use and at a good price.

Look at how in awe and amazement my girls are about this machine!! 

*This post contains affiliate links.*

Pink October | Fashion Friday

ONESIES | PANTS | PACIFIERS* | BLANKETS | PILLOW

I had the idea months ago to do all pink Fashion Friday posts during the month of October in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. However, as October drew closer I realized one rather large flaw to this plan. I don't own any pink. In my closet, I have a pink skirt, a dress with pink flowers, a few pink workout tops, and that's it. Nothing that I wanted to do for a fashion post (though my pink skirt has been featured before). 

But in the past few months, my home has become consumed with the color pink all thanks to the two newest additions to my family. So, seeing as I had no pink, I decided to take advantage of my children and the one thing they have that I lack... which is pink. 

Besides, isn't it more fun to see "fashion" photos of newborns than of a boring 26-year-old stay at home mom? I sure thought so. But in all reality, fashion posts are going to become more frequent on this blog, and I'm pretty sure once a month I'll feature these little ones instead of myself. I hope that doesn't bother anyone and if it does, I'm sorry but you'll just have to live with it. 

Anyways, as mentioned, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. While my whole "Charity of the Month" idea continues to fail me, making my readers aware of different charities is still something I feel very strongly about. It is becoming nearly impossible for anyone to avoid being affected by cancer in some way. Whether it's a family member, friend, or even yourself, it's something that continually ruins lives and affects all of us. 

I would encourage you to reach out and do what you can for those who have been diagnosed with any sort of cancer. Make a donation. Visit your sick neighbor and bring them a treat. Take toys to a children's hospital. Do whatever you can this month to show that you care. Below are links to two major organizations that bring awareness to cancer. If you are able, make a donation and give hope to those who are in need. Thanks! 

Susan G. Koman - Breast Cancer 

American Cancer Society

MORE CUTE PINK BABY CLOTHES*:

Bonus points to anyone in the comment section who can guess which one is Zoey and which is Makell. This is another one of those tricky photos where I second guess myself... and I took the picture! 

*This post contains affiliate links all marked by an asterisk for your convenience.*

One Month Old

Yesterday my baby girls turned one month old. It's weird for me to comprehend seeing as I've only had them at home for two weeks. Also, their real due date was October 12th. Can you imagine if I had to wait that long? I went on maternity leave early because of how miserable and large I was. Pretty sure it would have been impossible for me to wait until this week to have them. I would have been ginormous!

I guessed on the height and weight on their chalkboards. I didn't want to take the time to really figure it out when I could just estimate. Especially at this point when they're so small, their weight would be hard for me to figure out on my own, seeing as I don't have the appropriate baby scale. For reals, they're tiny. As a reference, when I was born I weighed almost ten pounds. Yes, I was born three weeks late, but still.

It amazes me that despite sleeping most the day, these girls already have personalities that are different from each other. Honestly, that last picture freaks me out because even though I know the one on the right is Zoey, at first glance I just think it's Makell. But despite looking identical, their behaviors and attitudes are not identical.

And please nobody ask me how I plan on telling them apart. I get that question from family all the time and I'm so incredibly sick of it. It's something we'll just figure out as they continue to grow.

Here's just a few more things about my girls not written on their chalkboards.

-In these pictures their hair looks pretty red, but it's a dirty blond. Though I wouldn't be surprised if they have red undertones because both Chris and I do.

-They have the prettiest dark blue eyes. I know eye color can change as they grow, but I'm really hoping it doesn't. I want them to have blue eyes like their daddy.

-The NICU put them on such a solid feeding schedule that they wake up every 3 hours on their own. I'm currently trying to change up their schedule so they sleep longer at night, but they're so set right now it may take a while.

-Both sleep really well at night (besides waking every 3 hours). I think we've done a good job at differentiating day and night with the dark room, swaddling, and a noise machine. Daytime naps they are much more active than at night when they're just out.

-My girls are not being breastfed. This is because they were born premature and I was not producing much milk, then they were stuck in the NICU while I was elsewhere. In the NICU and went through various formulas, the doctors thinking they may have dairy intolerance and the doctors there didn't want to give them my milk unless I was completely dairy free. However, they recommended I don't go dairy free, just freeze my milk and give it to them when I can. I did give them some the other day and Zoey immediately spat it all up. But they are doing really well on their formula so I'm not stressing about it.

-Makell, when she's hungry, tries to bite at everything looking for her bottle. The other day she "bit" my arm and it was the smallest bit of pain but mostly just weird, seeing as she has no teeth. I am worried about her keeping a biting issue in the future. We'll just have to see, I guess.

-Zoey is so chill and sleeps all the time. Makell is my problem child, for various reasons, and wants attention more frequently. But honestly, both girls are amazing and well behaved. I got lucky. Though if they want to scream, they can scream real loud.

-Being a mom of twins is difficult, not going to lie. Often I'll be feeding one while the other is screaming, but there's not much I can do for the screamer being alone at home most the time. But I wouldn't trade this for anything. I've wanted to be a mother for so long and I finally am, to the most beautiful baby girls in the world, and I don't care how hard it is some days. This is my life now, I've accepted it, I asked for it, prayed for it, and I love every struggle. I love my life as a mom.

If you want to see daily photos and videos of my sweet girls, I'm always posting to my Instagram story. Check it out @_cowgirlkaylee_

Being A NICU Mom | The Farnes Family

Two years ago I had a miscarriage and had to say goodbye to my first child. It was devastated. I was meant to become a mother, and then my child was lost and I had nothing. It was by far the worst experience of my life.

Flash forward to now. I've been a mother for a week and a half, but it doesn't feel like it. I gave birth to my beautiful twin girls, yet they're still in the hospital. They don't feel like they're mine because I'm not the one taking care of them all the time. I'm not there with them every hour of every day. I don't get to hold them in the way I want to or play with them the way I want to. My babies are swaddled little burritos that I get to cradle in my arms for a few hours a day.

And it's one of the hardest things, to set my girls back down in their cribs, and say goodbye.

When I started my maternity leave early I was resting and preparing for my daughters to arrive. And now I'm still on maternity leave, but with no child to take care of. I go to sleep late, sleep in late, do nothing while I let my body heal from my c-section, and I visit my children. But it's not enough. I feel useless, lazy, and bored.

Today I could not bring myself to get ready. I lay on the couch watching Netflix for hours putting off getting ready to go see my girls. Not because I don't want to see them, but because I know I'll only have to say goodbye again.

I sobbed to Chris today because it's just too hard. I cannot keep saying goodbye to my little girls.

Visiting my girls brings me such joy. I love holding them, feeding them, seeing their beautiful eyes, and holding their tiny hands. But it's not enough. And when I have to say goodbye again I feel so incredibly lost and broken, leaving a large chunk of my heart behind at the hospital.

Also today I picked up a new prescription of birth control pills. It's been three years since I've done any form of birth control. Three years I have tried to conceive and start a family. Three years is a long time to wait. And I'm still waiting. Because my girls aren't with me yet. I've waited so long, I've dreamt of this for years, I've wanted this my entire life, and I'm still waiting for the day that I get to take my daughters home and have them be entirely mine.

I don't like being a NICU mom. I just want my girls home with me. I love them too much to keep saying goodbye.

Birth Story | The Farnes Family

I suppose the story begins last Friday morning. I went in for a non-stress test appointment where they also discussed my mild preeclampsia. Shortly after that appointment, I got a phone call telling me I was officially on bedrest and basically had to lay around all day. I was also given a list of symptoms of my preeclampsia that if I experienced then I would have to go to labor and delivery.

Now, this was a real shock. Up until a few weeks prior, I had done really well with my pregnancy, I got around fairly easily, and while I was swollen like a balloon, I felt fine. I chose to start my maternity leave early on September 1st, simply so I could rest and try to keep my twins in until I would be induced on the 21st. I wanted to rest but didn't think my doctor would tell me to or that they might come earlier. I was certain they would wait until their induction date.

So I spent that day on my couch with Zoram and mentally prepared myself to deliver. Being told to go to the hospital for certain symptoms scared me. My hospital is 20 minutes from my apartment and can be annoying to get to. Not to mention that with both my baby girls breeched, I needed a cesarean and didn't want a random doctor giving me major surgery if I had to just rush in. I also didn't have my hospital bag ready and I still had things to purchase, like a second car seat.

I spent my day on the couch and slowly began feeling more and more contractions. When Chris got home from work we debated and discussed our options. We said a prayer and eventually decided to go to the hospital. I sat on my bed as Chris packed a bag for me and we left.

We spent a few hours at the hospital while they monitored my worsening contractions and my girl's heartbeats. They eventually decided that I would not be delivering that night, though I did have a UTI and was dehydrated. I was given an IV for fluids and two injections to relax my uterus and slow contractions. Finally, at 3am we went home and went straight to bed.

I spent my entire Saturday in bed, no longer feeling contractions and feeling more comfortable. Chris and I began to believe our girls would come later in the week so long as I kept on bedrest. I made plans to fix up my hospital bag and spent the day in peace.

Sunday morning I woke up feeling incredibly uncomfortable and sick. I ended up throwing up before I could even get any food in my stomach and couldn't even think about eating anything after. I showered and then laid in my bed watching YouTube.

Suddenly, I felt a gush of fluid that would not stop. I remained lying still on my bed as I continued to feel like I was peeing non-stop without any control. When it felt as if it had stopped, I rushed to my bathroom, sat on the toilet, and again began gushing more fluid.

Because I had twins, was 35 weeks along, had a scheduled c-section, and was no longer feeling any contractions, I never expected my water to break in this pregnancy. At all. Honestly, I was so surprised by it, that as I sat on the toilet I was on my phone Googling to be 100% sure that this was real. Eventually, I shouted out to Chris on the couch and told him what was happening.

Chris went into a very calm, controlled, rushed mode to grab everything we needed, get me ready with fluid still leaking from me, and get us out to the car and to the hospital. He held my hand the whole ride, didn't seem scared or nervous at all, and he was acting so excited. I, on the other hand, was still incredibly nauseated, my back was aching and cramping like crazy, and I felt incredibly weak and just tired.

In the hospital, they got me in a bed and there was no doubt that I was having my babies soon. They went into all the prep, my parents showed up, excited to get their first grandkids on grandparents day, my sister and her new hubby showed up, and all the while I laid in the hospital bed, just wanting to sleep and feeling more and more painful cramps.

Honestly, it was only a few hours later until I was wheeled into the operating room. The on-call doctor was one who was previously recommended to me when I had to originally switch doctors for my insurance. I got to meet her and was comfortable with her performing my c-section.

I was given the typical anesthesia, which I hated due to my major fear and distaste for needles. They laid me down as I started to grow numb, my arms were strapped down (still don't know why), a curtain was set up to block my view of what was happening, and Chris sat beside me, holding my hand and doing his best to comfort me.

I felt tugging and pulling in my abdomen, but was numb enough to feel no pain. It was a strange feeling though. It felt like no time at all before our first little girl entered the world, followed only a minute later by her sister. My Zoey and Makell were born.

Chris left with the girls while I was sewn up. Fun fact, apparently when they are tugging at your uterus, your shoulder hurts. It was some of the most intense pain of my life and I really struggled to remain calm. Weird that in getting a c-section my worst pain would be in my right shoulder.

I was wheeled back into a room where my family was waiting. I honestly don't remember what else happened that day because I was in and out of sleep.

I didn't get to see my girls that day. And that night I was throwing up and hyperventilating. I was dealing with too much of my own issues to go see my girls. Chris was with them often though, taking our family members into the NICU to visit them.

The next day I had nurses in and out of my room looking over me and eventually, I was feeling well enough that Chris put me in a wheelchair and took me to the NICU to visit our girls.

Today my girls are one week old and still in the NICU. I have since left the hospital and absolutely hate being away from them, but am so grateful for the nurses at the NICU and everything they are doing for my girls.

My daughters are doing considerably well. Makell is on oxygen as she tends to struggle with breathing, especially after eating. For a while, Zoey was under ultralight therapy for jaundice. But she has gotten better and is now off the lights. Both girls are being fed through a tube. We often try to give them a bottle, but they don't take much on their own. They are preemies and haven't fully developed their rooting and sucking skills, but we're easing them into it.

They both have an issue with throwing up their food though, particularly Makell. Because I'm not really producing much breast milk, they are having formula. The regular formula seemed to upset, they moved over to soy, and now Makell is on another formula. They are worried they have a lactose issue so they are no longer even giving them the little milk I produce unless I go completely dairy free (which is something Chris and I are considering and discussing).

Zoey and Makell will be released from the NICU once they can learn to eat and show signs of consistent weight gain. We're predicting about a week, but you never know. I do have little warrior babies and we believe they can get home soon, but it's very hard to wait.

I visit my girls every day, though not nearly as much as when I was in the hospital or as much as I would like. I love my daughters so much. They are absolutely perfect, they make me cry all the time because of how precious, petite, and perfect they are. I just want to hold them all the time and it kills me that I can't.

I am grateful for the NICU for easing me into parenthood and teaching me how best to care for them. The nurses there are so kind and amazing. They love our girls and take such good care of them.

It's amazing to see Chris as a father. He's still getting used to it, still may have a bit more of a connection to our dog right now, but he honestly loves these girls so much and takes care of them (and me) the best he can. Honestly, as I lay in my hospital bed, unable to visit them, I knew I could count on Chris to be visiting them often and checking up on them.

Happy one week to my beautiful girls!

Makell

Zoey

Makell

Makell and her mommy

Makell and mom and dad

Zoey under the light therapy

How Zoey really feels about light therapy

Yawning Makell

Zoey and her cute hat 

Just A Photo

One Year | A Letter To My Miscarried Child

Dear Lil Pumpkin,

Today would be your first birthday. When your dad and I discussed that the other day we were both amazed. We couldn't picture ourselves as parents to a one-year-old.

It's amazing what I year can do. A year ago I was still suffering, still crying on a daily basis from losing you, lost to my religion, lost to any direction in my life, and broken, seemingly beyond any repair.

Now a year later, I hardly ever cry, despite thinking of you on a daily basis, I'm stronger in my religion than I have been in years, I have a new job, new life goals, and I am pregnant with your younger sibling.

At thirteen weeks I am still terrified of what might happen. I was fifteen weeks when I found out I had lost you. Your Aunt was much further along when she lost your cousin Jamison. I don't see pregnancy as a guarantee and I'm constantly worried about what might happen.

I don't believe I could survive another miscarriage. Not now at least. I was meant to have a one-year-old by now, but I don't. I was meant to be a mother for a year now, but I'm not. And I still have to wait until October to become one.

I have so many fears with this pregnancy. What if I lose this one too? What do I say when people ask if this is my first? Do I talk about you? What if I begin to forget about you? Will this child be healthy? Will they survive? How could I possibly cope with losing another child?

I hope to never, not even for a day, forget about you. You are my first child, my angel child. I had prayed and waited a year for you. I prayed daily that you would be healthy and safe, and came to terms with the fact that you would be safer and healthier if you never came to earth.

Not a day has passed since you left that I haven't thought about you. Every holiday over the past year I thought about how different our celebrations would have been with you there. I miss you and I hope you know I could never replace you, but I need a child. One I can hold and care for.

I'll always love you. I'm grateful for the time I had with you. And I'm grateful that I get another opportunity to become a mother on earth.

Watch over all your siblings until it's their time to come. I know you're a great big sibling.

Love,

Your Mother

Another Letter to My Miscarried Child

My Dearest Lil Pumpkin,

Hello again! It felt right to write something to you again today. I was going through old files on my computer and exactly one year ago today I filmed an announcement for my YouTube channel that I was pregnant with you, an announcement no one but me has ever seen. It also means that it was about one year ago today I found out I was pregnant.

I still consider that day one of the happiest of my entire life. Which now makes it a bittersweet memory, and causes a little bit more pain to think about.

As you're aware, a few weeks ago I lost my nephew Jamison. A stillborn. Which has to be a lot harder for his mother than my miscarriage was.

I wrote her a letter too. Telling her that she'll be okay, though I'm certain she doesn't believe me. I understand that though. It's taken me a very long time to start believing it might be true.

July 15th our little Jamison's body was born. I held that precious child in my arms and I kept thinking about you. How the two of you are probably off in heaven playing around together. How you're protecting each other as cousins do. How you're watching over the mothers you couldn't stay with.

I hate that we had to lose Jamison. I hate it so much. But somehow, holding him in my arms, going to the funeral, watching his mother have to deal with it all, I finally understand why I had to lose you. And I've finally gotten the shred of closure that I needed.

The day we had found out Jamison was lost I had spent that morning in crisis care, bawling my eyes out over you, over not being pregnant again, over not having a child. Your dad took me in to keep me from hurting myself, he wanted me safe. He cried with me because he hates seeing me in pain, and he tries so hard to understand and prevent it.

I spent my morning devastated over your loss and trying to keep from hurting myself, only to learn later we had lost Jamison.

And somehow, my tears disappeared.

I was comforted.

And the sentence popped into my head, "You are not pregnant because you have to help Aubrey."

I remember when I first learned I lost you, November 3rd, a similar thought had come to me. Though the words are hazy now, I remember hearing a voice in my head say that I was no longer pregnant because I had to help others.

Lil Pumpkin, you're so smart. You knew the eternal plan when I didn't. You knew that there would be someone out there who would need me to go through what I did so that I could help them with their pain.

Isn't that what I've worked for on my blog for years? To help other people with depression to know they aren't alone?

And you knew that there would be people in the world who would lose their children as well. Who would become mothers without a child on earth. People who can read my stories and experiences and find strength in them.

You knew that I want to help people, and you knew that this was one of the ways I would be able to.

Through this experience, I've found strength, comfort, and closure. Things Jamison's mother will struggle to find for who knows how long.

I held little Jamison in my arms and stood in the corner of the hospital room, Chris by my side, and I told him to give you a message. To tell you how much I miss you and how so very, very much I love you.

And that simple act gave me closure.

Speaking to Jamison felt like the strongest connection to you I have had in the past nine months. I was able to tell you I love you and I know, I know with every part of me, that he delivered the message.

At the funeral for Jamison we released balloons into the air for him, to send them up to heaven for him. But I thought mostly of you. Releasing that balloon I thought about you and giving you that balloon, the only earthy gift that I could give you since you left.

And I found my closure.

That isn't to say I don't still miss you. I wish I had been able to keep you on earth with me. I wish things had been different. I wish that I had a child. But I know now that you weren't meant to stay on earth with me, no matter how painful that thought is.

I still miss you, and I will every day. But I'm sure you've seen that I don't cry as much anymore. I'm doing alright.... I'm FINALLY doing alright.

Thank you for being with me for as long as you could. These next few months might be difficult for me with big changes, and remembering that only a year ago I was the happiest I had ever been, but I'm so grateful that I had those few months to spend with you, no matter how brief they were.

I love you so much and I will always love you.

And to my nephew Jamison, 

I love you very, very much. You were the most beautiful baby I've ever had the honor of holding. I was devastated at your loss and I wish you had been able to stay on earth with us, so I could prove that I could be the best aunt ever. Take care of my Lil Pumpkin. Take care of your mother. I'll do everything I can to take care of her as well. 

We know why you couldn't stay. You leaving meant saving her life. You wanted her to live and stay with us even if it meant you couldn't. And as much as I hate the fact you couldn't stay, thank you for helping her. I love your mother, she is my sister and friend. You protected her the only way you could, and I will do the same here on earth, for her and your father.

Jamison, I love that you have a name for me to call you by. I love that I was able to hold you. You were perfect. You were such an incredible, beautiful, amazing miracle. I cannot wait to see you again someday. 

I love you and I miss you. 

My Other Posts About Miscarriage:

Random Thoughts From the Brain of Kaylee

Why People Need to Not Ask Me About Pregnancy

3rd Year Anniversary Thoughts

Sunday Scrapbook/Journal

A Letter to my Miscarried Child

My Dog Almost Ate My Ultrasound Pictures Today

It's Hard to be Happy

Oh Yeah, I'm 25

Heartbroken

October Review

While October is probably my favorite month, nothing substantially exciting happened this month. In fact, it was kind of just stressful and boring. However it was so beautiful outside! I loved it. :)

The first weekend was General Conference. I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!! I feel that I learned so much! My sister drove up here from Provo. We went to Rumbi's and ate their delicious soup. We were going to go to a corn maze but got distracted and tired. We spent most the night looking at Twitter's trending topic, #addawordruinamovie. Some of them were so funny! Then we watched The Wedding Singer when my husband got home from work. We all had a sleepover in the living room and watched The Iron Giant as we fell asleep. I love my sister! She's my best friend! It was a great weekend having my sister there and watching conference together and I enjoyed Tweeting through the whole Sunday session. I loved it so much!

I went through an emotional crisis on the 11th. I was sort of angry at my husband and sitting in my room alone, wishing I had someone to talk to and realizing that I don't have anyone to talk to... except my husband. I have no friends. At that point I began bawling hysterically. I ran to my husband and he held me tightly, trying to comfort me as I moaned, "Why don't I have any friends? Why doesn't anyone like me? What's wrong with me?" He couldn't successfully comfort me because I was so emotionally distraught. He then sat me on a mattress in the living room, turned on Tangled, and gave me my cookies. It was the hardest my husband had ever seen me cry and I hadn't felt so emotionally torn apart in so long.

To say I'm better now would be a lie. It's really hard to feel like you don't have any friends, and even worse when no one talks to you; that pretty much solidifies it. We have a framed quote in our little apartment that my best friend gave me years ago (we're still best friends even though we live two hours apart and hardly ever talk, but I still love her with all my heart). The quote says "Good friends listen --Best friends hear." If this quote is true, than I'm in trouble, because hardly anyone listens to me. Certainly no one tries to talk to me. I consider this to be an opportunity to find new friends, ones who will care about me, but since I'm switching my major I've realized recently how much older I am than all my classmates (they were in 1st grade when September 11th happened, I was in 5th). I've always had a hard time making friends and now that I'm married and older than my peers, it's only gotten harder.

So if any of my readers are in the Cache Valley area or even just in Utah, I need a friend. I swear I'm not crazy. I cried because I felt so alone, but I normally don't cry that much. I like dance and music and writing. I like to give service and LOVE buying gifts for people. I think that I'm a good friend (which is why it's so hard that I don't have any). If any of you have tips to getting more friends, please leave a comment. I'm struggling and I need help.

I decorated our apartment for Halloween and it looks fantastic!! It was also super cheap and you can read all about it my CLICKING HERE. Hopefully next year my decorations can be more exciting because (hopefully) we'll have more money then, but with our current situation, these decorations were all we could do, and they were still fantastic. And we are the only apartment in our complex that is elaborately decorated, so I'm proud of myself. :)

On the 12th Chris and I went to Little Bear Bottoms. You can read all about our adventure by CLICKING HERE. I love my husband because even though we're low on money, we find cheaper ways to have fun, and honestly, just being around him makes my life more fun. I love him!

October 13th Chris and I drove through Logan Canyon and I took pictures of all the changing leaves while Chris fished (you can read about it by CLICKING HERE). It was fun spending time with my husband in such a beautiful setting. Afterwords, we went to my Aunt Cherene's house and they fed us dinner. I love having family nearby! It was good to talk to my grandma (who recently moved to Utah and moves between my parent's and my aunt & uncle's house) and to see all my cousins that I'm really close with. I also got to see my cousin Nate and his very pregnant wife Kara, who two days later...

Photo Credits go to my Aunt Cherene

HAD THEIR BABY!!! He is the cutest little baby and I already love him so much!  I'm so happy for the two of them and their adorable baby! CONGRATULATIONS NATE AND KARA! I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH!!

October 17th I first met with a "math tutor". It was really just my friend Kyle... and his baby Kyrani (and Kyle is a real friend and doesn't count in my above rant about friends)! She's so cute! I got to hold her a few times. Back to math, I've been stressing out because it's been four years since I've done math and I absolutely HAVE TO get into Math 1050 next semester, which (because USU has weird math rules) I have to take the Math Placement Exam to try and get into it. (Even though I've already taken Math 1050, see? Weird math rules!) So I was stressed because a few weeks ago I tried to take a test online and couldn't even remember 7x8. I forgot basic multiplication! So I met with Kyle so he could help teach me, but ironically, all he really had to do was remind me of thing. I ACTUALLY REMEMBERED MATH! It was hard and each question took me a long time to figure out but I did it! I still have a lot of work till I feel ready to take the MPE and when I'm actually in Math 1050 I'll still want his help, but I did it! And I'm feeling very accomplished. :)

On October 18th for fall break, Chris caught this monster. It was huge and gross and covered it garbage, but I'm so proud of my fisherman husband because I know that fishing means so much to him, and he's so good at it too! I'm glad he has something that keeps him happy.

Photo Credits

Basically October was filled with school and beautiful colors. The above picture was on the Utah State Facebook page and I fell in love with it! This is my campus and I love it so much! I love going to school at USU! I think this October was more beautiful than usual because of the lack of snow, which I am super grateful for. It snowed in the mountains and it's starting to get super cold, but I'm not looking forward to the snow.

I realized my hair is like the autumn leaves, because for some strange reason, recently my hair is full of reds and blonds and browns, like autumn trees. I don't know why or how this happened because it used to just be dark brown. Although I am grateful that my hair didn't have an awkward growing out faze from dying it. The whole thing just changed colors. I want to color it again though but I'm not sure what color and I don't have the money to do that, but someday it will happen.

On Saturday the 26th Chris and I went to the Pumpkin Walk!! It was so much fun! We went last year and loved it and had to go again. It was super busy this year but totally fun. The Pumpkin Walk is on The Cache Valley Checklist and I'll be writing a post about it soon.

That night after the USU Howl, I had to work and clean up after it. It was disgusting and I was super tired. I've been to the Howl twice and it can be a really fun event if you go with a good group, but otherwise it's just a building full of crazy sluts and alcoholics. Thirty people were arrested this year at the Howl, all alcohol related arrests.

This is my handsome little brother. On October 27th my brother received his Eagle Scout Award! I drove down to Sandy to be there for the Court of Honor. I'm so proud of him! He's such a fun brother and one of my best friends.

So it sounds totally pathetic, but one of my favorite moments this month was on the 28th when these girls from my class invited me to lunch. I've been feeling so lonely and friendless so it was just a wonderful moment to be invited to eat lunch with these girls. They will never understand what that meant to me but will probably never invite me again if they read this paragraph. Regardless, I'm beyond happy that this happened for me!

Obviously it hasn't been Halloween yet, but we don't have anything exciting planned because we both have school and work. However I am going to make cookies and we might carve pumpkins! I'll write a post about my Halloween, but nothing too exciting is planned.

We had such a great October! It is truly my favorite month and it was just so beautiful and wonderful! 

To see my other monthly reviews CLICK HERE! 

I'd love to hear about what you did this October! Leave a comment below! 

Baby Season

So in the past ten days I've had five friends give birth to their new babies! But today, in the midst of all the excitement of baby season, I had a friend post on Facebook that his wife miscarried their baby. It was their second miscarriage and they don't have any children. It was so sad to hear and I'm praying for them to be able to cope with their loss. My mom had five miscarriages and while she already had some children, each one was equally as difficult. Losing a child in any sense is extremely difficult.

It reminded me of THIS ARTICLE that urges people to not ask, "So when are you going to have kids?" Luckily, no one has asked Chris and me when we're having kids (except my brother-in-law says he wants to be an uncle by the time he gets back from his mission). I'm glad no one has asked, because it's honestly not anyone's business. I understand parents asking, but otherwise it's not your business to ask couples when they'll have kids.

I'm so happy for all my friends who have had their babies this week! I love seeing the pictures on Facebook of your adorable newborns. But just remember...

I'm praying for my friends who are struggling with having a baby and I wish all my readers luck in having a child. I was there for my mother's miscarriages, I may not know what it feels like, but I understand the emotions. Thanks for reading!

Pinterest Sunday: Black & Navy, Bread, Octobers, Cantaloupe, Han Solo, Baby, Kay, Hoodie, Get Well, Brain Sneeze, Bag Lady, Smith Family, and Moo Point

I pinned this because I am in love with every part of this picture! Her shoes, her pants, her shirt, her jacket, her bracelet, her hair, and especially that bag!! Goodness, if someone would mail this exact outfit to me I would love you forever! 

"Miracle Bread" This supposedly takes one hour from start to finish and is supposed to taste super good. I'm excited to try it out! Click on the link for the recipe!

Everyday at work my friend Todd and I talk about how excited we are for Fall and Halloween! Also, yesterday when writing my Cache Valley Checklist I got really distracted looking up all the Fall events for the Pumpkin Walk and at Little Bear Bottoms. I'm just so excited!

This is so lame but I laughed, so maybe you'll laugh too. 

Chris and I had a Star Wars marathon last weekend so I have Star Wars on the brain. (Secret time, Chris and I are being Han and Leia for Halloween!)

Cutest baby ever! I went to a baby shower yesterday so I have baby-on-the-brain.

I got so excited when I first saw this because it's the first part of my name!! It come with instructions on how to put words in a cake, found HERE and the best part is, it doesn't look too difficult! 

I am a huge fan of hoodies and this one is super cute! I want it! 

"Get Well Soon Gift" This is super cute and I love it! The Pin took me to this website HERE but it didn't lead to the direct post, sorry! 

Any Duck Dynasty fans out there? I think the show is so funny and this quote is the best! 

I don't know if you've realized from all my Pinterest Sunday posts, but I'm a bag lady. I'm obsessed with bags and would buy a new purse once a month if I could. I love the bag in this picture as well as her outfit!

I'm late on the whole Miley Cyrus VMA thing. I did watch it, I was mortified, but I found no reason to write about such filth on this blog. But I pinned this picture of the Smith family reacting her her performance, because this picture is exactly how I felt and it makes me laugh. 

This is my favorite quote from Friends. Hands down. So awesome and yes Rachel, it does make sense. :)