3 Months Old

My baby girls are three months old today!! Here are a few more facts about them not shown on their chalkboards.

-Only in the past month have we started reading to them. They are loving it though and just wiggle around when it's storytime.

-These girls LOVE their pacifiers and almost always have them in their mouths.

-They are smiling now, but it's rare and super hard to get on camera. But if you follow my Instagram account (@_cowgirlkaylee_) I post a lot to my story and you can see more smiles on there.

-Nicknames: Lately we've been calling Makell "Mini Marshmallow" because of her adorable chubby cheeks but we have always called her Miss Makell. For Zoey we stick with Zo or Miss Zo.

-My girls are on a specific "no spit-up" formula, but they almost never spit-up anymore even when we try them on other formulas. So yay!

-Zoram is now more into them and loves to lick their feet and hands, and the girls love him back. They stare at him a lot and seem to enjoy him. I'm glad my girls won't be afraid of dogs like I was the majority of my life.

-They love hugging blankets which is so like their mom.

-My girls are not afraid of strangers and will let anyone hold them or get near them. We think the NICU prepared them for that because of all the different nurses taking care of them.

-Chris and I think they're getting so big, but then we see other three-month-old babies and realize how little ours are. They're premies though so it makes sense. And little petite girls are adorable.

-They can both basically hold their heads up. I don't really have to support their heads anymore, but I also don't trust them in certain circumstances.

-They love going on adventures with mom and dad in their carriers. (See my Instagram account.)

-They are out of newborn clothes. The onesies they're pictured in are actually newborn, but tight, so this is the last time for these pink ones.

-They are very chill babies who can entertain each other and don't cry that often. But every now and then they just get irritated and it looks a bit like this. But still, they're very calm and quiet.

-Unless they're hungry, in which case, they scream.

-Starting this past week they sleep about ten hours straight at night, which would be lovely if my dog hadn't gotten used to middle of the night feedings, and now Zoram wakes me up instead of them.

-These pictures don't do their cuteness justice, so here's them with Santa.

(They're both looking over at me on the side. They honestly love staring at me. No complaints with that.)

Pink October | Fashion Friday

ONESIES | PANTS | PACIFIERS* | BLANKETS | PILLOW

I had the idea months ago to do all pink Fashion Friday posts during the month of October in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. However, as October drew closer I realized one rather large flaw to this plan. I don't own any pink. In my closet, I have a pink skirt, a dress with pink flowers, a few pink workout tops, and that's it. Nothing that I wanted to do for a fashion post (though my pink skirt has been featured before). 

But in the past few months, my home has become consumed with the color pink all thanks to the two newest additions to my family. So, seeing as I had no pink, I decided to take advantage of my children and the one thing they have that I lack... which is pink. 

Besides, isn't it more fun to see "fashion" photos of newborns than of a boring 26-year-old stay at home mom? I sure thought so. But in all reality, fashion posts are going to become more frequent on this blog, and I'm pretty sure once a month I'll feature these little ones instead of myself. I hope that doesn't bother anyone and if it does, I'm sorry but you'll just have to live with it. 

Anyways, as mentioned, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. While my whole "Charity of the Month" idea continues to fail me, making my readers aware of different charities is still something I feel very strongly about. It is becoming nearly impossible for anyone to avoid being affected by cancer in some way. Whether it's a family member, friend, or even yourself, it's something that continually ruins lives and affects all of us. 

I would encourage you to reach out and do what you can for those who have been diagnosed with any sort of cancer. Make a donation. Visit your sick neighbor and bring them a treat. Take toys to a children's hospital. Do whatever you can this month to show that you care. Below are links to two major organizations that bring awareness to cancer. If you are able, make a donation and give hope to those who are in need. Thanks! 

Susan G. Koman - Breast Cancer 

American Cancer Society

MORE CUTE PINK BABY CLOTHES*:

Bonus points to anyone in the comment section who can guess which one is Zoey and which is Makell. This is another one of those tricky photos where I second guess myself... and I took the picture! 

*This post contains affiliate links all marked by an asterisk for your convenience.*

One Month Old

Yesterday my baby girls turned one month old. It's weird for me to comprehend seeing as I've only had them at home for two weeks. Also, their real due date was October 12th. Can you imagine if I had to wait that long? I went on maternity leave early because of how miserable and large I was. Pretty sure it would have been impossible for me to wait until this week to have them. I would have been ginormous!

I guessed on the height and weight on their chalkboards. I didn't want to take the time to really figure it out when I could just estimate. Especially at this point when they're so small, their weight would be hard for me to figure out on my own, seeing as I don't have the appropriate baby scale. For reals, they're tiny. As a reference, when I was born I weighed almost ten pounds. Yes, I was born three weeks late, but still.

It amazes me that despite sleeping most the day, these girls already have personalities that are different from each other. Honestly, that last picture freaks me out because even though I know the one on the right is Zoey, at first glance I just think it's Makell. But despite looking identical, their behaviors and attitudes are not identical.

And please nobody ask me how I plan on telling them apart. I get that question from family all the time and I'm so incredibly sick of it. It's something we'll just figure out as they continue to grow.

Here's just a few more things about my girls not written on their chalkboards.

-In these pictures their hair looks pretty red, but it's a dirty blond. Though I wouldn't be surprised if they have red undertones because both Chris and I do.

-They have the prettiest dark blue eyes. I know eye color can change as they grow, but I'm really hoping it doesn't. I want them to have blue eyes like their daddy.

-The NICU put them on such a solid feeding schedule that they wake up every 3 hours on their own. I'm currently trying to change up their schedule so they sleep longer at night, but they're so set right now it may take a while.

-Both sleep really well at night (besides waking every 3 hours). I think we've done a good job at differentiating day and night with the dark room, swaddling, and a noise machine. Daytime naps they are much more active than at night when they're just out.

-My girls are not being breastfed. This is because they were born premature and I was not producing much milk, then they were stuck in the NICU while I was elsewhere. In the NICU and went through various formulas, the doctors thinking they may have dairy intolerance and the doctors there didn't want to give them my milk unless I was completely dairy free. However, they recommended I don't go dairy free, just freeze my milk and give it to them when I can. I did give them some the other day and Zoey immediately spat it all up. But they are doing really well on their formula so I'm not stressing about it.

-Makell, when she's hungry, tries to bite at everything looking for her bottle. The other day she "bit" my arm and it was the smallest bit of pain but mostly just weird, seeing as she has no teeth. I am worried about her keeping a biting issue in the future. We'll just have to see, I guess.

-Zoey is so chill and sleeps all the time. Makell is my problem child, for various reasons, and wants attention more frequently. But honestly, both girls are amazing and well behaved. I got lucky. Though if they want to scream, they can scream real loud.

-Being a mom of twins is difficult, not going to lie. Often I'll be feeding one while the other is screaming, but there's not much I can do for the screamer being alone at home most the time. But I wouldn't trade this for anything. I've wanted to be a mother for so long and I finally am, to the most beautiful baby girls in the world, and I don't care how hard it is some days. This is my life now, I've accepted it, I asked for it, prayed for it, and I love every struggle. I love my life as a mom.

If you want to see daily photos and videos of my sweet girls, I'm always posting to my Instagram story. Check it out @_cowgirlkaylee_

Sunday Scrapbook | September 24th - 30th, 2017

SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 24TH

Our girls turned two weeks old while still in the NICU. But we got great news while visiting them... Zoey could come home on Tuesday!! 

MONDAY SEPTEMBER 25TH

Zoram has just a few days left as the only "child" in the home. He also likes to lay on my laundry as I'm folding and getting ready for the girls to arrive. 

TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 26TH

So on Monday morning, the girls were given a new formula to try to help with their spit-up issue. Zoey's return home is delayed, but Makell's is moved up and both girls are able to come home on Wednesday!! 

Oh, and Chris and I visited Walmart and looked at Halloween costumes. These masks are awesome and I want them. 

THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 28TH 

We took the girls to the pediatrician, which was quite an adventure. Zoey weighed 5 pounds 10 ounces and Makell weighed 5 pounds 6 ounces. Both are bigger than their birth weights, but they're still tiny. The onesies they're wearing are preemie size, but I don't have much in preemie. They'll be wearing clothes a little bigger for a while. 

Our first day together was like a dream come true. I've waited for this for so long. I am finally a mother and my girls are better than I could have ever imagined. I am so truly blessed. 

You can watch their homecoming vlog on my YouTube channel HERE.

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 29TH 

Chris worked most the day, but the girls got a visit from their Uncle Nick and Grandma Ostrowski. We all stayed in jammies all day and it was a lazy, comfy day. That night we all watched our Utah State Aggies beat BYU! Even though Chris and I no longer go to school at USU, we're big supporters.

SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 30TH 

(Makell has a lipstick kiss on her forehead.)

My life is completely different with these girls in my life, but I wouldn't have it any other way. We had fun spending the whole day together. I love dressing them up in cute outfits (and getting through summery dresses like this while it's still warm, but the cold is definitely coming). 

Chris is such a good dad and he loves these girls so much. He works so hard to make sure they have the best life. We're struggling with me no longer working, but he is the best help by being such a hard worker and still volunteering to help out with the girls and having to deal with the needy Zoram. I love him. I married a winner. 

A huge thank you to my lovely visiting teachers for bringing over dinner. Honestly, do you see that picture? I could never make something as amazing as this. That's homemade bread! It was all so delicious and I am so truly grateful for all the kindness and generosity of my neighbors in these crazy first few days with the twins. 

Being A NICU Mom | The Farnes Family

Two years ago I had a miscarriage and had to say goodbye to my first child. It was devastated. I was meant to become a mother, and then my child was lost and I had nothing. It was by far the worst experience of my life.

Flash forward to now. I've been a mother for a week and a half, but it doesn't feel like it. I gave birth to my beautiful twin girls, yet they're still in the hospital. They don't feel like they're mine because I'm not the one taking care of them all the time. I'm not there with them every hour of every day. I don't get to hold them in the way I want to or play with them the way I want to. My babies are swaddled little burritos that I get to cradle in my arms for a few hours a day.

And it's one of the hardest things, to set my girls back down in their cribs, and say goodbye.

When I started my maternity leave early I was resting and preparing for my daughters to arrive. And now I'm still on maternity leave, but with no child to take care of. I go to sleep late, sleep in late, do nothing while I let my body heal from my c-section, and I visit my children. But it's not enough. I feel useless, lazy, and bored.

Today I could not bring myself to get ready. I lay on the couch watching Netflix for hours putting off getting ready to go see my girls. Not because I don't want to see them, but because I know I'll only have to say goodbye again.

I sobbed to Chris today because it's just too hard. I cannot keep saying goodbye to my little girls.

Visiting my girls brings me such joy. I love holding them, feeding them, seeing their beautiful eyes, and holding their tiny hands. But it's not enough. And when I have to say goodbye again I feel so incredibly lost and broken, leaving a large chunk of my heart behind at the hospital.

Also today I picked up a new prescription of birth control pills. It's been three years since I've done any form of birth control. Three years I have tried to conceive and start a family. Three years is a long time to wait. And I'm still waiting. Because my girls aren't with me yet. I've waited so long, I've dreamt of this for years, I've wanted this my entire life, and I'm still waiting for the day that I get to take my daughters home and have them be entirely mine.

I don't like being a NICU mom. I just want my girls home with me. I love them too much to keep saying goodbye.

Birth Story | The Farnes Family

I suppose the story begins last Friday morning. I went in for a non-stress test appointment where they also discussed my mild preeclampsia. Shortly after that appointment, I got a phone call telling me I was officially on bedrest and basically had to lay around all day. I was also given a list of symptoms of my preeclampsia that if I experienced then I would have to go to labor and delivery.

Now, this was a real shock. Up until a few weeks prior, I had done really well with my pregnancy, I got around fairly easily, and while I was swollen like a balloon, I felt fine. I chose to start my maternity leave early on September 1st, simply so I could rest and try to keep my twins in until I would be induced on the 21st. I wanted to rest but didn't think my doctor would tell me to or that they might come earlier. I was certain they would wait until their induction date.

So I spent that day on my couch with Zoram and mentally prepared myself to deliver. Being told to go to the hospital for certain symptoms scared me. My hospital is 20 minutes from my apartment and can be annoying to get to. Not to mention that with both my baby girls breeched, I needed a cesarean and didn't want a random doctor giving me major surgery if I had to just rush in. I also didn't have my hospital bag ready and I still had things to purchase, like a second car seat.

I spent my day on the couch and slowly began feeling more and more contractions. When Chris got home from work we debated and discussed our options. We said a prayer and eventually decided to go to the hospital. I sat on my bed as Chris packed a bag for me and we left.

We spent a few hours at the hospital while they monitored my worsening contractions and my girl's heartbeats. They eventually decided that I would not be delivering that night, though I did have a UTI and was dehydrated. I was given an IV for fluids and two injections to relax my uterus and slow contractions. Finally, at 3am we went home and went straight to bed.

I spent my entire Saturday in bed, no longer feeling contractions and feeling more comfortable. Chris and I began to believe our girls would come later in the week so long as I kept on bedrest. I made plans to fix up my hospital bag and spent the day in peace.

Sunday morning I woke up feeling incredibly uncomfortable and sick. I ended up throwing up before I could even get any food in my stomach and couldn't even think about eating anything after. I showered and then laid in my bed watching YouTube.

Suddenly, I felt a gush of fluid that would not stop. I remained lying still on my bed as I continued to feel like I was peeing non-stop without any control. When it felt as if it had stopped, I rushed to my bathroom, sat on the toilet, and again began gushing more fluid.

Because I had twins, was 35 weeks along, had a scheduled c-section, and was no longer feeling any contractions, I never expected my water to break in this pregnancy. At all. Honestly, I was so surprised by it, that as I sat on the toilet I was on my phone Googling to be 100% sure that this was real. Eventually, I shouted out to Chris on the couch and told him what was happening.

Chris went into a very calm, controlled, rushed mode to grab everything we needed, get me ready with fluid still leaking from me, and get us out to the car and to the hospital. He held my hand the whole ride, didn't seem scared or nervous at all, and he was acting so excited. I, on the other hand, was still incredibly nauseated, my back was aching and cramping like crazy, and I felt incredibly weak and just tired.

In the hospital, they got me in a bed and there was no doubt that I was having my babies soon. They went into all the prep, my parents showed up, excited to get their first grandkids on grandparents day, my sister and her new hubby showed up, and all the while I laid in the hospital bed, just wanting to sleep and feeling more and more painful cramps.

Honestly, it was only a few hours later until I was wheeled into the operating room. The on-call doctor was one who was previously recommended to me when I had to originally switch doctors for my insurance. I got to meet her and was comfortable with her performing my c-section.

I was given the typical anesthesia, which I hated due to my major fear and distaste for needles. They laid me down as I started to grow numb, my arms were strapped down (still don't know why), a curtain was set up to block my view of what was happening, and Chris sat beside me, holding my hand and doing his best to comfort me.

I felt tugging and pulling in my abdomen, but was numb enough to feel no pain. It was a strange feeling though. It felt like no time at all before our first little girl entered the world, followed only a minute later by her sister. My Zoey and Makell were born.

Chris left with the girls while I was sewn up. Fun fact, apparently when they are tugging at your uterus, your shoulder hurts. It was some of the most intense pain of my life and I really struggled to remain calm. Weird that in getting a c-section my worst pain would be in my right shoulder.

I was wheeled back into a room where my family was waiting. I honestly don't remember what else happened that day because I was in and out of sleep.

I didn't get to see my girls that day. And that night I was throwing up and hyperventilating. I was dealing with too much of my own issues to go see my girls. Chris was with them often though, taking our family members into the NICU to visit them.

The next day I had nurses in and out of my room looking over me and eventually, I was feeling well enough that Chris put me in a wheelchair and took me to the NICU to visit our girls.

Today my girls are one week old and still in the NICU. I have since left the hospital and absolutely hate being away from them, but am so grateful for the nurses at the NICU and everything they are doing for my girls.

My daughters are doing considerably well. Makell is on oxygen as she tends to struggle with breathing, especially after eating. For a while, Zoey was under ultralight therapy for jaundice. But she has gotten better and is now off the lights. Both girls are being fed through a tube. We often try to give them a bottle, but they don't take much on their own. They are preemies and haven't fully developed their rooting and sucking skills, but we're easing them into it.

They both have an issue with throwing up their food though, particularly Makell. Because I'm not really producing much breast milk, they are having formula. The regular formula seemed to upset, they moved over to soy, and now Makell is on another formula. They are worried they have a lactose issue so they are no longer even giving them the little milk I produce unless I go completely dairy free (which is something Chris and I are considering and discussing).

Zoey and Makell will be released from the NICU once they can learn to eat and show signs of consistent weight gain. We're predicting about a week, but you never know. I do have little warrior babies and we believe they can get home soon, but it's very hard to wait.

I visit my girls every day, though not nearly as much as when I was in the hospital or as much as I would like. I love my daughters so much. They are absolutely perfect, they make me cry all the time because of how precious, petite, and perfect they are. I just want to hold them all the time and it kills me that I can't.

I am grateful for the NICU for easing me into parenthood and teaching me how best to care for them. The nurses there are so kind and amazing. They love our girls and take such good care of them.

It's amazing to see Chris as a father. He's still getting used to it, still may have a bit more of a connection to our dog right now, but he honestly loves these girls so much and takes care of them (and me) the best he can. Honestly, as I lay in my hospital bed, unable to visit them, I knew I could count on Chris to be visiting them often and checking up on them.

Happy one week to my beautiful girls!

Makell

Zoey

Makell

Makell and her mommy

Makell and mom and dad

Zoey under the light therapy

How Zoey really feels about light therapy

Yawning Makell

Zoey and her cute hat 

Four Years

Photo courtesy of Mariah Mae Films

Chris,

Happy four years of marriage to my best friend. Four years ago I could have never pictured what our lives would be like now. Through every trial, every heartache, every fight, you've made me laugh through it all. Together we've gone through a lot of pain in our short marriage together, but we're the perfect team, and you are the one I always want by my side through the good times and the bad. I'm so happy that we're months away from starting our family on earth. I know you'll be a great dad to the twins... you're already a master at the lame dad jokes. You're such a hard worker, so strong, so brave, and you treat me like a princess. I would say four years ago today was the best day of my life, but honestly, every day with you just gets better and better. I love you more than I can explain. You are my life. Happy anniversary baby!!

Kaylee

Thanks Mariah for these photos! You're amazing and I absolutely love these!

Just A Photo

One Year | A Letter To My Miscarried Child

Dear Lil Pumpkin,

Today would be your first birthday. When your dad and I discussed that the other day we were both amazed. We couldn't picture ourselves as parents to a one-year-old.

It's amazing what I year can do. A year ago I was still suffering, still crying on a daily basis from losing you, lost to my religion, lost to any direction in my life, and broken, seemingly beyond any repair.

Now a year later, I hardly ever cry, despite thinking of you on a daily basis, I'm stronger in my religion than I have been in years, I have a new job, new life goals, and I am pregnant with your younger sibling.

At thirteen weeks I am still terrified of what might happen. I was fifteen weeks when I found out I had lost you. Your Aunt was much further along when she lost your cousin Jamison. I don't see pregnancy as a guarantee and I'm constantly worried about what might happen.

I don't believe I could survive another miscarriage. Not now at least. I was meant to have a one-year-old by now, but I don't. I was meant to be a mother for a year now, but I'm not. And I still have to wait until October to become one.

I have so many fears with this pregnancy. What if I lose this one too? What do I say when people ask if this is my first? Do I talk about you? What if I begin to forget about you? Will this child be healthy? Will they survive? How could I possibly cope with losing another child?

I hope to never, not even for a day, forget about you. You are my first child, my angel child. I had prayed and waited a year for you. I prayed daily that you would be healthy and safe, and came to terms with the fact that you would be safer and healthier if you never came to earth.

Not a day has passed since you left that I haven't thought about you. Every holiday over the past year I thought about how different our celebrations would have been with you there. I miss you and I hope you know I could never replace you, but I need a child. One I can hold and care for.

I'll always love you. I'm grateful for the time I had with you. And I'm grateful that I get another opportunity to become a mother on earth.

Watch over all your siblings until it's their time to come. I know you're a great big sibling.

Love,

Your Mother

Happy 1st Birthday Zoram!!

Today is my pup's first birthday! As many of you know, we were able to get Zoram as an emotional support animal after my miscarriage. And when I think of the timeline, it's incredible how it all worked out. I learned about my miscarriage the beginning of November, but had lost my baby about two weeks prior... around the same time Zoram was born. Zoram was meant to come into our lives and he's my little baby until I can have a real one.

Here's a little bit about my pup in honor of his birthday:

-Zoram likes tennis balls, but if it's bigger than a tennis ball he's terrified of it.

-He barks way too much.

-He loves playing with my parent's dog Molly and my in-law's dog Max, though most the time Max and Molly don't seem to have as much fun with him.

-He loves to chew on things a bit too much and if he starts, he's determined to destroy it.

-Zoram loves being outside.

-His best trick is bowing to Chris.

-He loves snuggles and hugs, but only when he wants them.

-He's a fast runner and a lot of the time he seems to jump around while running.

-While he can be a big pain most the time, he really does do his job as an emotional support animal. If I'm ever crying, he knows to calm down and comes over to snuggle.

-He's afraid of everything. Just like me. And when he's scared he always comes to me to protect him.

-He's a mamma's boy, and I love it, though Chris is his best friend and playmate.

-Zoram is the cutest dog in the world. No contest. Don't you dare try to convince me otherwise.

OUR FIRST MEETING

Why People Need to Not Ask Me About Pregnancy

Hello friends! Today I am talking about a very serious topic... pregnancy. Now it has officially been over six months since my miscarriage and over this six months I've gotten a couple questions:

Are you and Chris going to start trying for a baby again?

Do you think you'll want to get pregnant again soon? 

How is trying to get pregnant again? 

And possibly a couple more. And while I realize a lot of the people asking these types of questions have the best of intentions, this needs to stop. Because my emotional, depressed, distorted mind takes these questions and warps them into guilt and personal self-loathing:

Are Chris and I just not trying hard enough? 

Do I really want to risk getting pregnant and going through another miscarriage? 

Are people seriously asking me about my sex life? That's so weird! 

I believe that even the people with the best of intentions will never fully understand my personal story. And while this post is meant to clear up a few of the questions and tell my story, it is in no way an invitation to ask me further questions. These questions are quite frankly offensive and often cause me to break out in tears. So please, read on, and keep your questions to yourself.

 (That sounds so mean. I really do love you, I just can't handle more crying. It's far too frequent.)

A Letter to My Miscarried Child

Dear Lil Pumpkin,

Today was your due date. Today was the day I was going to become a mother. I had been trying for a year to get pregnant with you, and near the end was getting getting very discouraged. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant with you. But then you left, and everything seemed to fall apart.

Everyday after that test came up positive, I prayed that you would be safe and healthy. Every. Single. Day. For me this was different, I had been struggling, I hadn't been praying, but for you it became important again.

Healthy and safe. That was all I wanted for you. Turns out, in order for that to happen you couldn't stay with me. I wanted you healthy and safe, and if being here wasn't what you needed to be healthy and safe, then I understand. And I'm happy that you found good health and safety by going back to your Father in Heaven... but that doesn't mean I don't miss you.

I miss you everyday, it aches. I miss you whenever I see a baby, or toddler, or even a teenager. I miss you whenever I see a pregnant lady. I miss you when I scroll through Facebook and constantly see pregnancy announcements, or pictures of children. I miss you in the mornings, in the afternoon, and during my countless sleepless nights. I miss you whenever I pray, and still pray for your health and safety. I miss you everyday.

I keep thinking that as time goes on it'll get better, that I'll stop feeling this pain. That I won't be so close to tears every second of every day. That going out and facing the world, facing families and parents won't kill me inside. That I won't have to force a smile, fake a laugh.

And maybe someday I will stop feeling the pain. But the thing is, I had you. I had you with me and now you're gone. I know it was for the best, I know that you're better off now, but what about me? Don't I get something? Don't I get to feel healthy and safe too?

I've been living in constant fear since you left. If I get pregnant again, will I lose that baby too? Would I be able to handle that pain a second time, when I'm hardly handling it now? I always wanted what was best for you, but when do I get what's best for me? When can I stop hurting? When can I stop being afraid? When can I start living again?

You took a part of me with you when you left. You will always have a piece of my heart. I will always love you. I loved caring for you and knowing you were here. I loved planning your future and preparing to hold you. And despite all the pain, that love has never died. I will always love you, and you will always be our "Lil Pumpkin".

I miss you, and I wish you were here. But I'm grateful to have had you, even if just a little while. I hope and pray that you always stay healthy and safe, and I hope you're praying for me too. Because it's been so hard getting to today without you here and knowing you aren't ever coming.

Happy due date, little one. I will always love you. 

Heartbroken

I talk a lot on this blog about my struggle with depression, and how it's so difficult because I feel so dark and sad for no apparent reason. But one of the main reasons I talk about it so much is because I hope my story inspires people. I have a lengthy post planned about my whole depression story, how I cope with it, and how I find happiness in spite of the darkness I feel inside. This is not that post. This is a story of heartbreak that is real, that's tangible, and I also hope can inspire others.

Weeks ago I announced my pregnancy on my blog. Getting pregnant changed a lot of things about me and my perspective on life. I was so truly happy, a happiness that is hard to come by in my depression twisted life.

But then, on November 2nd, I had some spotting and the fear crept in. I was sitting at work, listening to music, trying to block out all the terrifying thoughts that were going through my mind. I barely talked to anyone that day, just feeling so scared but trying to remain as calm as possible. I did my research during my lunch break and as soon as work was over. All the pregnancy articles said a little spotting was okay, that unless it lasted, the baby was probably fine. But I still kept feeling terrified that something would happen to my baby.

That night I began experiencing cramps and my fear only grew. I immediately went to sleep to let my body relax and to forget about what I was feeling. I woke up several times that night, each time feeling so scared something was wrong. I made a decision that as soon as my doctor's office opened in the morning I would make a call.

Morning came and I woke earlier than usual. I spent my extra time doing my hair and makeup, something that's always been a good distraction for me and made me happy, even if just a little bit. I called in and it wasn't until I started explaining to the nurse what was happening that my emotions truly hit. I started to cry, and even though she tried to comfort me, said she would pray for me and that my baby would be fine, I just knew something was wrong. My emotions were just as messy when I called my boss to tell her I would be coming in late, or call back if I got different information.

Before going in I texted all my family, Chris's family, and my best friend and we asked them to pray for the baby and that we would keep them updated. I could already feel so much love and support no matter what the outcome would be.

Chris and I drove in to the doctor's office at the hospital. Wait time was fairly short and we were seen by the on-call doctor, as my usual doctor was out that day. They took us straight to the ultrasound room and I laid down. The image of my baby popped up on the screen, smaller than what it should be at 17 weeks. And as he looked for a heartbeat, there was none.

My baby was gone.

As the doctor told me there was no heartbeat I understood what he meant, but I couldn't process it. I just laid there, my mind unable to comprehend how or why this had happened. The doctor left the room leaving Chris and me alone. Chris had come to my side the second the heartbeat was missing and had grabbed my hand, but as we were left alone he leaned over me in a hug and told me how sorry he was.

It was only the second time I had seen my husband cry.

A different doctor came in and briefly explained my options. We scheduled for me to come back later that day to get everything sorted. The doctors left once more and I truly began to cry. This was happening for real. My baby was gone. Chris held me for who knows how long, just letting my cry into his chest and shedding a few tears himself.

We left the hospital and went home. Chris called my boss again and told them the news, me being way too emotional to talk to anyone. I texted my mom and told her. She immediately offered to drive up and be with me and I agreed it would be best. My mom had suffered five miscarriages of her own, who better to help me deal with this than her? I texted others to let them know the news (thank goodness for texting when you're too emotional to call) and we were immediately met with such love.

Chris and I laid in our bed in silence. He held me while I cried. He gave me my birthday present early, a stuffed animal Toothless, so I could squeeze it and feel comforted even more. My mom arrived about two hours later and the tears came again as she held me and told me her experience.

Despite my tears, I felt so calm and positive through the whole ordeal.

We went back to the doctors and I was given my options. I opted to get the surgery the next day, on my birthday, because despite wanting to doing fun things and be happy on my birthday, I knew if this was on my mind I wouldn't be able to enjoy anything that day.

That night was a whirlwind of visitors. My sister drove up and offered to stay a few days, as she works online. My bishopric came and gave me a blessing, my incredible bishop reminding me a few times, "Everything happens for a reason." The Young Women's president I serve with came by and brought me flowers and a card signed by the rest of the leaders and some of our girls. My best friend and her family had gorgeous flowers delivered to my apartment.  I could hardly comprehend the kindness and love that I was experiencing.

I woke up November 4th, the day of my birthday, unable to think of anything but my upcoming surgery. I had never had surgery before and I was scared, but in my priesthood blessing the day before I had been comforted. Again, I felt oddly calm and positive despite my sadness.

We were at the hospital for what felt like days. My fear of needles made an IV terrifying for me and my mom held my hand as they put it in, once in my hand to draw blood, then in my elbow as it had fallen out of my hand.

Chris is my rock. He made jokes, he looked out for me, and he kept me as happy as he could. And having my mom and sister there made it easier as well.

I woke up after the surgery in a daze, never having been under anesthesia before. I remained in recovery for a while before being wheeled back to my family. Chris came to my side and I said what was truly on my mind after having the surgery done, "Our baby is really gone now." and Chris comforted me the best he could.

Everything before leaving the hospital was a daze of bleeding, throwing up, and nearly falling asleep. My mom had to leave but Chris and Michelle stayed and made sure I was taken care of. I was wheeled out of the hospital and we drove home. Michelle ran a few errands for me as Chris let me lay on the couch, comforting me as I began drifting off again due to blood loss. When Michelle got back I forced some food in me and began to feel more awake and stable.

Michelle and I spent the night in my bed watching Legally Blonde and The Office, Chris bringing me more food anytime I asked for it. Soon I went to sleep, Chris holding me to comfort me, my new Toothless in my arms as well.

Then I woke up and now I'm here. Typing this.

It's a long story but it's an important one. My blog has never been one to shy away from the harsh reality of life. I talk about depression and anxiety, and I knew I had to talk about this.

During my pregnancy my relationship with my religion grew. I realized how much I depended on my Father in Heaven as he helped me through morning sickness and other struggles. I had made a resolution to be better with my church attendance and my calling. This resolution has only grown stronger with my current trial.

I have felt such peace and positivity through this whole thing. While at moments it's difficult for me to comprehend why I'm feeling so calm after losing my first child, I know it's my Heavenly Father blessing me with the strength to try again.

I have no doubt that Chris and I will have kids of our own someday. This little one... our little pumpkin, had a different purpose. "Everything happens for a reason." We were not meant to kept this one, but we both know we will see our little one again someday in Heaven.

I'm still heartbroken, I'm still trying to cope, recovering from something I never imagined would have happened. But I have such an incredible support system. My family, friends, and Father in Heaven have me in their thoughts. I have felt so much love it's difficult to comprehend at times. I know that this experience was given to me to make me stronger, to teach me something, although I can't find the lesson yet.

I'm so grateful for the opportunity I have had to be pregnant. I already miss my little pumpkin so much my heart aches, but I already feel stronger because of this trial. I'm grateful for my family and friends and the love and support I have been given. Thank you to my blog readers for your kind words you always give me. Most of all, thank you to Chris, my soulmate, my rock, and the love of my life. I could not deal with this without him. He saved me from depression before, and he help save me from this heartbreak as well.