2018 Theme Song

Hello my lovely friends! I hope you all have had a wonderful holiday season and are as excited for the New Year as I am.

Today I am supposed to talk about my theme song for 2018. As you may know, every year I pick out a theme song for the year. I've been doing this since I graduated high school and it's something that means a lot to me because music is such an important and special influence in my life.

Usually, I have thought about my song choice extensively for months and have the song picked out by November (because the past few years everytime November hits I'm ready for the New Year). This year was the hardest to pick out a song. In fact, I'm not even 100% behind my song choice. I blame the past few months of learning to be a mom and to be unemployed. My life is SO different than it's ever been and I think it's hard to adjust to that. My usual habits and tendencies are hard to go back to considering I'm suddenly a stay-at-home mom of two.

While I did end up choosing a specific song for 2018, I made an entire playlist of songs to help motivate me through the year. I'll go over it below and my reasoning behind them.

Overall, I wanted a song that would motivate me to do something outside my normal comfort zone. If you aren't a regular blog reader of mine, I have depression and social anxiety and can be an all over emotional wreck a lot of the time. I tend to stay in my private little box, too afraid to take risks and go after my dreams for fear of failing. This year I want to get outside that box and change my life.

A few weeks ago I finally was inspired by a song that came on over my Spotify. As I mentioned, I'm not completely obsessed with my theme song as I usually am, but that's why I have a whole playlist.

Anyways, my theme song for 2018 is "I Lived" by One Republic. 

There are so many lyrics in this song that just speak to me, so it's difficult to go over which ones I want for 2018 without quoting the whole song. But I think more than anything, I love the actual title of the song. I LIVED.

When I was seventeen years old I was suicidal and made a few attempts at ending my life. I had no idea as a teenager that my life would end up like this: married to my soulmate with a cute dog and the most adorable baby girls. I don't believe seventeen-year-olds make the smartest decision, but by far the greatest decision of my entire life was to not end it.

I survived my teenage years. I survived college and the struggles I went through there. I survived cutting myself, sexual assault, and a miscarriage and have ended up today in the best place I think my life has ever been in. I survived so much pain and I hope to continue to fight through every struggle that is thrown at me.

However, no matter how grateful I am for my life so far, I feel as if I've merely been surviving each day. I want to live each day. I want to wake up every morning with an excitement for each day and the possibilities it could bring. I want to end this year quoting the song: "I owned every second that this world could give."

I want to plan adventures for not just myself, but for my husband and my daughters. I want us to make memories to last a lifetime. But I think more than anything, I want to build an excitement for life in my daughters that I never had. I know they're young, they won't remember this year, but I want to get into the habit of giving my children opportunities and excitement.

2018 is about living life to the fullest and I'm excited for this year and creating the best year ever.

Now real fast I'm going to go over my playlist. I subtitled this as my "Power Playlist" because it's all songs that motivate me to get up and do something. These are great workout song, hype songs, and dancing song. This playlist is great for so many things and I am already so obsessed with listening to it all the time. I'm sure I'll continue to add new songs throughout the year because this is my "Power Playlist" and if I find a new song that empowers me, it belongs.

Quick note, the first part is all females because originally that's what I wanted: female empowerment. But honestly, no power playlist is complete without "Butterflies and Hurricanes" by Muse, so I broke the original rules, but I'm so happy with this playlist I wouldn't have it any other way.

Do you pick out a theme song for the year? Let me know yours in the comments below!! 

Being A NICU Mom | The Farnes Family

Two years ago I had a miscarriage and had to say goodbye to my first child. It was devastated. I was meant to become a mother, and then my child was lost and I had nothing. It was by far the worst experience of my life.

Flash forward to now. I've been a mother for a week and a half, but it doesn't feel like it. I gave birth to my beautiful twin girls, yet they're still in the hospital. They don't feel like they're mine because I'm not the one taking care of them all the time. I'm not there with them every hour of every day. I don't get to hold them in the way I want to or play with them the way I want to. My babies are swaddled little burritos that I get to cradle in my arms for a few hours a day.

And it's one of the hardest things, to set my girls back down in their cribs, and say goodbye.

When I started my maternity leave early I was resting and preparing for my daughters to arrive. And now I'm still on maternity leave, but with no child to take care of. I go to sleep late, sleep in late, do nothing while I let my body heal from my c-section, and I visit my children. But it's not enough. I feel useless, lazy, and bored.

Today I could not bring myself to get ready. I lay on the couch watching Netflix for hours putting off getting ready to go see my girls. Not because I don't want to see them, but because I know I'll only have to say goodbye again.

I sobbed to Chris today because it's just too hard. I cannot keep saying goodbye to my little girls.

Visiting my girls brings me such joy. I love holding them, feeding them, seeing their beautiful eyes, and holding their tiny hands. But it's not enough. And when I have to say goodbye again I feel so incredibly lost and broken, leaving a large chunk of my heart behind at the hospital.

Also today I picked up a new prescription of birth control pills. It's been three years since I've done any form of birth control. Three years I have tried to conceive and start a family. Three years is a long time to wait. And I'm still waiting. Because my girls aren't with me yet. I've waited so long, I've dreamt of this for years, I've wanted this my entire life, and I'm still waiting for the day that I get to take my daughters home and have them be entirely mine.

I don't like being a NICU mom. I just want my girls home with me. I love them too much to keep saying goodbye.

My Testimony

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

At the age of seventeen, I was horribly, dangerously depressed. It wasn't a new feeling. I remember being a kid in elementary school and crying on the playground. I never knew why, there never was a reason, and I never told anyone. Somehow, as a child, I already was conditioned to believe that crying was a sign of weakness, so I did not tell anyone what I was feeling.

No one knew what I was going through.

I had gotten a recommend from my bishop months prior to the age of seventeen that would allow me to get my patriarchal blessing. And at the push of my parents, I made an appointment to go. I was at a terrible time in my life and my depression was at its worst. I was lost, broken, and felt that there would never be any hope, and light left in my life. My soul was slowly dying and I had no way of stopping it.

No one knew what I was going through.

And yet, there I sat with a priesthood leader's hands on my head and I listened to him give me a blessing. A blessing with words of advice that no one should have known. I had never told a single soul what I was going through. The only one capable of knowing was my Father in Heaven. My prayers for help had been heard and I was getting an answer.

My testimony is that God hears us and knows us.

I wish that after an experience like that I could say I've never fallen away. But depression is a disease that distorts the mind. It makes me believe that I am useless, that my life will never amount to anything, that I am ugly, fat, that I have no friends, that no one loves me, that I will never be happy again. Depression distorts my thinking. Depression has often made me believe that my Father in Heaven does not love me. That the pain I feel, that the terrible things that happen in my life, are because I am unloved.

This is not true.

Depression is a product of Satan. He is the one who distorts my thinking and makes me think the way I do. I am in a war against Satan and his games and unfortunately, I have lost many battles. My testimony of the gospel of Christ is not strong. Never has been. But I have never given up.

Because God knows me and listens to me.

He knows that I am struggling, that each of us has struggles and hard times. He hears us when we pray to Him. He has a plan for each of us. It is up to us to trust His plan, to trust in Him to guide us where we need to go. It's hard to hear Him sometimes, or all the time, but we can never give up on Him, because He will never, EVER, give up on us.

He loves each and every one of us.

I can't guarantee I won't fall away again. Being a member of the church is the absolute hardest commitment for me and I have to consciously think about it every day. Some people make it look so easy. For me, it never has been. But I know what he has done for me in the past, and I can never deny it. And by always remembering that I have always found my way back.

A testimony is like a plant.

It takes constant work to nourish and maintain. Plants need sunlight, water, and good soil. Testimonies need study, prayer, and an open heart. Keeping a testimony strong takes effort. If your testimony begins to fade, you can always get it back. Some people have bigger testimony plants than others, some people only have the seed, but in the eyes of God, it doesn't matter. Because if we have something, He will help us. He is the ultimate gardener, and He will show us what to do.

My testimony is only a seed.

I hurt all the time. I am constantly fighting. My life is a struggle and being a member of the Church is a commitment I sometimes cannot find possible. But my Father in Heaven makes up the difference and shows me the right way. My testimony is only a seed, but it's growing, it has potential. And that is all that is truly important.

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

And I know that it is true.

_________________________________________________________

If any of my readers are curious about the LDS church, Mormon.org is a great resource to learn about what we believe, and find people in your area to teach you more. I am happy to send a Book of Mormon to any of my blog readers who want one. Email me at thedancingcowblogger@gmail.com if you are interested. 

How To Be Happy

I'm sorry to disappoint, but I don't have the answer. I can't tell you how to be happy when happiness is something that often evades me. But that doesn't mean I don't continue to try and find happiness. Nor does it mean that I can't help you find happiness as well.

See, happiness is often said to be a decision. We are often told that if we want to be happy, then we can make ourselves happy. But as someone with depression, I have to say that's bull. Happiness is something I work so hard for, yet I often fall short. And it's not because I didn't decide to be happy, it's because depression distorts my mind.

Happiness is not just a decision. It takes work sometimes. If happiness is something that you want in your own life, here are a couple of things you can do to help find happiness in your own life.

1. Read positive daily mantras

I recently created a note on my phone with my mantras. I read these every morning and every night. I also read them when I feel I need a pick-me-up. When I move into my apartment I plan to hang these on my bathroom mirror so I automatically see them in the morning when getting ready and at night while brushing my teeth..

Your mantras should relate to you personally. Scoure the internet, Pinterest, music, books, whatever to help you find a few short sentences that will lift you up and make you want to be better.

Here are my current daily mantras. I'm sure this list will change at many times in my life, but here is what I need in my life currently:

"With God life is oh so good!" 

(This is a quote by Al Carraway, my current blogger obsession.)

You are perfect, God makes no mistakes.

"Who you are is not where you've been."

(This is from an amazing Taylor Swift song called "Innocent." I would link the quote to my Spotify, but T-Swift took her songs off Spotify, something I can never forgive her for.)

You are beautiful, inside and out.

"Do you like the person you've become?" 

(This is from my theme song for the year, "The Weight of Living: Part II" by Bastille. Read about why it's my theme song by CLICKING HERE.)

I am a warrior.

(This relates to my tattoo. Read about why I got my tattoo by CLICKING HERE.)

By reading these mantras daily, I find happiness comes a bit easier. Repetition helps us learn, and repetition can help us to think more positively. 

2. Have faith

Whether it's faith in God, faith the sun will rise, faith that things can't get any worse, having faith will bring you happiness. We as humans need something to believe in. We wouldn't get up in the morning and commute to a job we dislike if we didn't have faith that it will bring us money or something better in the future. We always believe in something. 

For anyone new to my blog, in November 2015 I had a miscarriage and lost my first child. Without faith, I would have never survived that experience. My heart still aches when I think about it and I still cry over my lost child often, but I have faith that I will see my child again and that someday, somehow, I will be able to become a mother. 

When you are feeling low, and happiness is too difficult to find, figure out what it is that you have faith in. Do you have faith that you will survive the pain? Do you have faith that you are loved? Do you have faith that you will be successful? Take that faith, cling to it, and you will make it through whatever trial you're going through. 

3. Find the things that make you happy...

For a while I did "Happy Tuesday" posts, where I literally just listed the things that had made me happy the previous week. The act of writing down what made me happy, made me feel happier. It was often the littlest things that brought me the most happiness. 

Here are a few examples of the things that make me happiest:

Dancing. Music. Cows. Writing. Notebooks. Zoram Gerrard. My husband. Reading. Makeup. Food. Sugary food. Rain. How To Train Your Dragon. Binge watching TV shows on Netflix. Pinterest. And more. 

I recently found a Tumblr post (which is now lost in the internet world) that said something along the lines of, there is no excuse too small to not commit suicide. At the age of 17 I was suicidal. I survived for various reasons, but one of the main ones was that I knew my family loved me, and I refused to hurt them, even if it meant I was suffering myself. 

Also at the age of 17 I met an incredible friend by the name of Colton. He was the first person I ever told about my depression. He invented Happy Tuesdays with me and every Tuesday we would hang out together. I looked forward to my Tuesdays every week to be with the person who made me laugh the most. Tuesdays became one of my small reasons to not commit suicide. 

Everyone finds happiness in different ways and I encourage each one of you to find what makes you the happiest and go out and do it. (Unless it's illegal, maybe don't do that, maybe find something that's morally good as well as happy. Just a thought.)

(If any of you are contemplating suicide, please check out the resources in THIS POST for help. You can also email me at thedancingcowblogger@gmail.com if you need someone to talk to. I'm here for you. I know what it's like, you are not alone, and you can find help and you will survive.)

4. ...And get rid of the things that bring you unhappiness

This past year I moved from Logan to the Salt Lake Valley to live with my parents. Did I ever expect, or want, to be twenty-six years old, married, and living in my parent's basement? Not really. But I left Logan because I was unhappy. Logan had become the place I dropped out of college, the place I lost my child, the place so many bad things had happened to me, and I just couldn't take it anymore. 

Could I have waited until we could afford an apartment of our own? Sure. But I was unhappy and needed to do something about it right away. So I did. I was offered a job and I got out of Logan as fast as I could, with my supportive husband by my side. 

There are certain things we can't just get rid of immediately. I would like someday to be a full-time blogger and writer, no longer having to work for companies. Quitting my job and dedicating my life to writing would make me happy, but the stress of unemployment and struggling for money means that I have to endure and have faith (ah ha, see, #2 totally is important) that what I am doing now will help me to get where I want to be. 

But any of the little things in your life that are bringing you down you need to get rid of. This can be done in many different ways. For example: Do you have a friend who is constantly bringing you down? Maybe it's time to find a new friend. Does your weight make you unhappy? Put in the work to get rid of it and become stronger.  Do you not feel comfortable in your wardrobe? Sell it and buy new clothes. Does college make you absolutely miserable? Maybe you need a break, or a different major, or a different location. 

If you want to be happy you have to put in the work and that includes staying away from whatever brings you down. 

5. Build strong relationships

I cannot imagine my life without Chris. He is my soulmate, best friend and everything in between. He is many times the only reason I find the strength to get up in the morning. He gives me so much love and he only wants me to be happy. My relationship with my husband is a strong bond that I never expected was possible. 

If my husband is not around and I just need someone to hug, who loves me, and is always happy to see me, I turn to Zoram Gerrard, my dog. Zoram is such a snuggler and his snuggles often bring a smile to my face even in the darkest of times. 

But most importantly, the relationship I turn to most when I am feeling unhappy or weak, is my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I know that my Father in Heaven knows every pain that I am going through, he has a plan for my life, he does not want me to suffer, and if I rely on him and trust in him, then I can be happy. 

I have so many wonderful relationships in my life with my parents, siblings, friends, and coworkers. Building these relationships brings me happiness. As I mentioned before, I would never do anything to hurt my family. I put them above myself. Their happiness means to world to me. And more often than not, when we work to make other people happy, we find happiness ourselves. 

Whether your strongest relationships are with family, friends, spouses, God, or even your pet, build up that relationship until you cannot break it. That person then becomes your rock, someone you can turn to when you need help. I promise you that everyone has someone in their lives that loves them. Love them back, with all you have, and you will find happiness through each other. 

What in your life brings you the most happiness? 

Let me know in the comments below! 

I Am Still Living

I am still living. 

I have been suicidal. 

I have cut myself, burned myself, made myself bleed, made myself cry. 

I have hated myself, brought myself down. 

I have lost a child and not been able to have another. 

I have lost my religion and found my way back again. 

I have sabotaged my own happiness. 

I have torn down my self esteem and fought to get it back.

I have driven into the night not knowing if I would return. 

I have starved myself.

I have screamed, cried, and questioned why I feel this way.

I have had darkness take over, consume by body. 

I have given in.

I have let myself break, I have given up. 

I have fought back.

I have lived with depression for as long as I can remember.

I have coped, I have fallen, and done everything in between.

I have prayed.

I have turned to Christ.

I have become a warrior.

I have turned to family and friends.

I have cried in my husband's arms. 

I have hated the world that doesn't seem to understand. 

I have hated myself. 

I have told myself things would be better more times than I can count. 

I have found happiness and lost it again. 

I have been strong and I have been weak. 

I have been emotional. 

I have started a day positive only to fall apart by the end. 

I have given up. 

I have made goals. 

I have become a different person, time and time again. 

I have depression. 

And I am still living. 

❤

Why I, As A Mormon, Chose to Get a Tattoo

 

No one can ever call me a perfect Mormon and I'm not even that close to the top. I've made so many mistakes. I've allowed myself to fade away multiple times. I've never actually completed reading the Book of Mormon all the way through. I always forget to pray. And my testimony of the gospel is not the strongest.

That being said, I've never completely fallen away either. I was lucky to have an experience at the age of 17 that ensured that I could never deny God or leave the church for good. I believe the God, I believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the truest gospel on the earth today, and I love the teachings and blessings that I receive when I do attend.

But as someone who suffers from depression on a daily basis, being a member of the church can be incredibly difficult.

My depression is a full blown, daily struggle, daily having to remind myself to be happy. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

A month or so before I met my husband, I was at a very difficult point in my life. And in a moment of weakness and loss of control, I took my hair straightener and pressed it against my left arm, leaving burns.

This wasn't my first instance of self-harm, and it wasn't the last either. Only the largest and most significant. In high school I spent nights with tweezers, picking at my legs until they bled. In college, I used my razor on my wrists. And after getting married, I used my own fingernails to scratch at my arms till they were raw and almost bleeding.

Growing up LDS, I was always taught my body is a temple. We are meant to love and protect our bodies the way we would the temple. But the distortion that depression causes, has never allowed me to fully grasp this concept.

For me, my body, my skin, is the thing that holds in all the darkness, the depression. When I cut myself, it was because I needed to feel real pain, to see an actual wound, to be able to put a band-aid over it and know that it would heal. Depression, the darkness inside of me, doesn't heal. I can't put a band-aid on it, I can't control it, I can't stop it when it comes.

There are ways to ease my depression, but it's still invisible. Treating an invisible wound isn't the same as one you can see. At my weakest points, I needed a visible wound to help me feel like I was in control again. If I couldn't see the pain I was feeling, I would make pain I could see.

A few years ago I found a song by my idol, Demi Lovato. The song is called "Warrior" and the moment I heard it, it changed my life.

This is a story that I have never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro

All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know

Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I'm not broken or bruised

'Cause now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me

There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause you are never gonna take the blame anyway

Now I'm a warrior
I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

No oh, yeah, yeah

You can never hurt me again

I cannot express how much this song speaks to me. It sometimes feels as if this song was written about me, for me.

I've talked in the past about being a warrior. One year ago I shared a post called "Become A Warrior" in which I shared how I would write the word "Warrior" on my wrist to remind myself to be strong. And when I got the urge to claw at my arms, I would see the word on my arm and remember that I am a warrior, I am a fighter, and my depression "can never hurt me again."

On November 4th, 2015, I had my miscarriage and lost my first child. And throughout 2016, my depression had been worse than ever before in my life. The song "Warrior" was the only thing that kept me from injuring myself. I was consistently writing the word on my wrist as a reminder that I could survive. Somehow, I would survive the pain.

As a person, as a Child of God, I am in a war against Satan. Because of my depression, he has a strong grip on my life. I have to be a fighter to make it through the hell I am put through. I have to work hard on a daily basis to break the hold Satan has on my life, my actions, and my emotions.

"Warrior" helps me in the war against Satan. It helps me to not injure myself. It helps in the moments I want my life to end. It helps when my social anxiety appears. It helps me to be confident. It helps me to stay strong, be positive, and look for the light when my head is so full of darkness.

On November 4th, 2016, I got a tattoo of the word "Warrior" on my left wrist so I would never be without the support and strength that word gives me.

In my religion we are told not to get tattoos, to protect our temple. For me, getting this tattoo was one of the best ways for me to help protect my body and temple. And while I not supporting breaking the commandments the prophets have given us, I believe that for me, in my life, in my situation, getting this tattoo was important.

The night I got my tattoo, I said a prayer to my Father in Heaven. I apologized for breaking the rule and explain why I believed I needed it. And for a brief moment, I felt peace that He understood. I'm not saying that my decision was right or wrong, but I made the decision and I fully accept anything that comes of it, good or bad.

I have never once felt guilty or ashamed of getting my tattoo. I am proud to show my tattoo. I am happy to tell people why I got it. And while I know that many other members of the church will never understand, I still believe it was the right decision for me and I am not going to let them bring me down.

I cannot say that having this tattoo has made my depression go away. It's not magic, I know that will never happen. But there have been moments where the darkness takes over, I begin to lose control, and I see the word and make a change.

I still hurt, I still make mistakes, I still find myself in pain, but I am now constantly reminded that I am a warrior. Even if I lose a battle, I can still win the war. I can still triumph over Satan and his clutches. I can still find happiness even when I feel all hope is lost.

My life is not over. I can be successful. I can be the person that I want to be. 

Because as a warrior, I will NEVER stop fighting. 

Suicide Prevention | COTM February 2017

Hello, friends! This month's Charity of the Month is actually multiple charities, all relating to depression and suicide prevention.

February was the month where I made the decision to live. I am a survivor of suicide and I believe wholeheartedly that suicide is a topic not talked about enough. It is the most serious thing to plague our world. It's never a joke, it's never something to be taken lightly, and it needs to be understood more fully.

This month I have a series of posts related to my personal struggle with depression and suicide. Every Sunday this month you can expect a new post about how I survived and have been able to cope. I'm not better. I'm not magically healed. But I've survived and I'm a warrior fighting to stay alive. And I'm never giving up.

The following charities mean a lot to many people and deserve our attention and support. Like any Charity of the Month, I encourage you to donate what you can. It doesn't have to be a lot, just whatever you can manage. Together, as a team, we can help make a difference. I'm not asking you to donate to all of these charities, do what you can, even if that just means sharing these charities with someone in need.

There are so many people out there who are needing help but will never show it. It is up to us to get this information out there and maybe, just maybe, we can save a life.

Before I get into the charities I want to share an image I found on Pinterest this past week. It speaks for itself.

SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, CALL THIS NUMBER. This number can help with suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and depression. Please visit their website and read about the warning signs. Educate yourself so you can help those around you, and possibly save a life.

You can donate to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline by CLICKING HERE.


AMERICAN FOUNDATION FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION

One of the best ways to prevent suicides is to educate. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention researches the best ways to prevent and assist. They help those struggling with suicidal thoughts and those who have lost a loved one due to suicide.

There are many ways to help with the AFSP and you can learn about how you can offer your help by CLICKING HERE.


THE TREVOR PROJECT

The Trevor Project provides crisis and suicide prevention to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youths ages 12-24. In many cases, a suicide or crisis stems from bullying, which is something that I cannot stand. I am not gay, but that doesn't mean this charity is any lesser than the others on this list or doesn't deserve help.

To donate to The Trevor Project CLICK HERE.

CLASP

Clasp is the mental health awareness and suicide prevention charity for our UK friends. The above charities are American based because that's where I live. But to any of my readers in the UK, this charity is your best resource for nearby assistance.

CLICK HERE to donate to Clasp, whether or not you're based in the UK.

TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS

The final charity for this month was the February charity last year. It's one of my personal favorites and will always need and deserve our support. You can read what I wrote last year by CLICKING HERE.

Make your donations to TWLOHA by CLICKING HERE.

Theme Song 2017

Hello my friends! I've gotten quite a few new followers over the last year, so to all my new internet friends... hello! My name is Kaylee Farnes, and every year I pick a "theme song" to help guide me through the year. I started doing it back when I first started college and it's been the one thing that stuck... because resolutions always fail.

For 2016 my theme song was "Tomorrow Never Comes" by the Zac Brown Band. I'd say it was a fairly influential theme song for me. I took a risk and started my writing career with Heroes & Villains. I have talked about becoming a writer the majority of my life, but I finally did something about it this year, and I'm really happy about it.

I like to think the song worked in helping me begin my writing career. SUCCESS!!

This year's song is incredibly different and perhaps controversial because at first glance it should not be an inspiring song, however, over the past few months a single phrase from this song keeps running through my head over and over again.

I wanted this as my theme song but I kept talking myself out of it because it's not a positive song... not necessarily. But the other day I found this amazing quote that totally fits with the song and it secured the song as my theme song for 2017!

"For what it's worth, it's never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start over." 

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

Beautiful quote by a wonderful author. 

My theme song of the year is "The Weight of Living II" by Bastille. I'm in love with this song. It was featured in my playlist of songs that describe who I am in 2016 and the lyrics honestly describe and speak to me in such an important way. 

"Do you like the person you've become?"

I have spent the majority of 2016 in a deep depression. At the end of 2015, I lost my child and I have been unable to get pregnant this year. I've spent the entire year holding back in doing the things I wanted because I never knew if I was pregnant, and once a month I would cry for basically an entire day when I learned I wasn't. Beyond that, my sister-in-law lost her child Jamison and the Farnes family has been struggling. 2016 was without a doubt the worst year of my life (and in 2008 I was suicidal so that's really saying something) and I am so insanely happy that it's over.

Now I realize that just because it's a new year doesn't mean that things will magically get better. But there comes a point where you lose all hope in a year. I lost all hope for 2016, but not for 2017. I can find excitement in 2017, where for the past few months there was no excitement to be found.

The potential doesn't come from a new year coming, it comes from me. If I put in the work, I can make 2017 a good year.

Let's go back to the song. For a long time I could not get the phrase "Do you like the person you've become?" out of my head. It haunted me. Because for the majority of 2016, my answer would be no. But if you combine the quote and the song, it describes my feelings for 2017.

"Do you like the person you've become?"

 "I hope you find the strength to start over."

Despite the dislike for myself this year, I have never given up on myself. I still believe I have potential. If I want to be a writer, I can be. I've already started on that journey. If I want to be a fashion blogger, I can be. Just because I never have money doesn't mean I can't find creative ways to do it. If I want to make YouTube videos, I can do it. Even if they don't start out very good, the more practice I get, the better they'll become.

A lot of the lyrics of this song speak to me. I could talk for a long time about the lyrics (it comes with spending the majority of my college career writing essays analyzing writing) but the only line that matters is the one I've said before.

Every time I think of that phrase, I answer the question, and if my answer is no, then it's time to make a difference.

"It's never too late to be whoever you want to be."

💗

______________________________

Do you pick out a theme song for each year? Let me know your song or your goals for 2017 in the comments below! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 

Songs About Me 2016

Hello friends. This is going to be a slightly depressing post, just giving you a heads up. Okay, great, enjoy!

For the past month, I'm just done with 2016. This has by far been the worst year of my life and I just want it to end. Yes, my miscarriage happened in 2015, and that was the worst thing that's ever happened to me, but the aftermath of that miscarriage took over the majority of 2016. I am so over 2016. Just be done already!!

Anyways....

A few weeks ago I made a giant list of all my goals and resolutions for 2017 because I'm ready for a new year and a fresh start. (Oh my gosh, just be 2017 already!!!!) I will most likely share all those goals when 2017 gets closer and I've weeded through them and have the specific New Years Resolutions to share (I currently have two pages of goals so they can't all be New Year's Resolutions).

But to finish up this year (because I'm so willing to skip to the end, yes, that includes skipping over Christmas, just let 2016 end, please, please please, I am begging) I made a playlist of 10 songs that describe my 2016!

I want this to be an annual thing. For me to make playlists of songs that have influenced and/or describe the way my year went. Therefore, since I'm quoting this as the worst year of my life, you can bet they are not all happy songs for this year.

I have reasons for each song so I want to go over why each one was chosen. These were all chosen very carefully and I want to share my reasoning with you. So just press play on the Spotify playlist below, enjoy some amazing songs and read about each one.

I'll go in order of the playlist, even though it's a weird, not very thought out order. Okay? Great.

Unsteady - X Ambassadors

I'm a huge fan of this song. My mom thinks it's too repetitive, my husband doesn't like his voice, but I'm obsessed. I could not have made it through this year with the amazing people (and pet) I have in my life. But besides Zoram, my biggest rock through this year was Chris. I was "unsteady" in so many ways this year, but Chris helped me stand up tall and make it through. I needed him and I love his support more than he may ever understand. I love my soulmate.

Sit Still, Look Pretty - Daya

This song isn't depressing! Lately, girl-power type songs are my favorite. I have a ton on my phone that I just listen to randomly when I need to be uplifted and find a little confidence. While this is definitely a newer addition to my girl-power list, there's just a few of the lyrics that always stick out to me when I hear this song on the radio.

"Oh, I don't know what you've been told but this gal right here's gonna rule the world"

 I don't want to be what people want me to be. I have goals for myself and I'm going to make them happen. I am going to be a book author. Heroes & Villains is going to prove that I'm a writer and I truly believe that it can be big (considering it will never end). I will find the success and happiness I want without working in a job people want or expect me to. I believe that I can rule my own world and I'm not going to let someone tell me how to do it.

Stressed Out - Twenty-One Pilots

Oh goodness, the words in this song speak to me.

"Used to dream of outer space but now they're laughing in our face saying 'Wake up you need to make money.'"

I'm probably contradicting myself, but while I want to be a writer, this year was so overwhelming feeling like I couldn't do it because I needed to work a real job. Being a grown up sucks. And being a child and not having to deal with all the stress just sounds so appealing, but impossible to attain again. I was constantly stressed this year. This song was my life this year... stressed out.

The Weight Of Living II - Bastille

Oh, Bastille. How I love you so very, very, truly, totally, absolutely, wholly, and completely. I have been obsessing over this album this year and listen to it constantly. I love every track on the album and have learned almost all the words. But lately the words to this song have stuck out to me a lot:

"Do you like the person you've become?"

 Short and sweet, this question has echoed in my mind for a while now. I have asked myself this question quite a bit lately and when I begin to think my answer is "no" I think of ways to change myself and change my answer. I'm greatly considering making this my theme song of 2017, so I might get back to this at a later date...

All Will Be Well - Gabe Dixon

(Every time I listen to this song I ask Chris "Bonus points if you can name what show this is on!" He always forgets. But they answer is Parks & Recreation when Andy and April are driving to the Grand Canyon. Now you know and can get bonus points.)

I think about the title of this song a lot. "All will be well." The lyrics to this song are absolutely incredible because it's not saying that life if perfect and everything will always be amazing all the time. It's saying that times can be hard, people make mistakes, you have to work to find what you want in life, and you don't know how you'll get there, but you have to just believe that over time things will turn out for the best.

I have an obsession with this song and could probably pull out my English major skills and write a whole essay on it. I think anyone who is like me and suffers from depression should listen to this song and really think through the words. All will be well.

Don't Panic - Coldplay

Similar to "All will be well" the phrase "We live in a beautiful world" has crossed my mind a lot throughout this year. Despite how much I just raved about Bastille, Coldplay is, in all reality, my favorite band. They have music and lyrics that speak to me in a way no other artist has been able to do.

This song is short and sweet and every time I'm outside, looking at the world I live in, I think the worlds "We live in a beautiful world." It's comforting to me in a way that I'm not sure I can explain. Perhaps it's that despite all the horribleness of this year, I've seen some pretty amazing and beautiful things and it's humbling to be surrounded by such beauty.

Tomorrow Never Comes - Zac Brown Band

Hey, it's my theme song for the year! That's right, I never forgot about it through the year. I still think about and listen to this song a lot. Its message is very strong and clear. We don't know what's going to come, so we have to live now. I'm not going to go into much more depth on this. You can read why I picked it as my theme song by CLICKING HERE.

Butterflies and Hurricanes - Muse

This was my theme song for 2015! Can we talk about how incredible Muse is? And how I never noticed just how incredible until this year? I am loving Muse so much. Okay, great discussion, thanks.

You can read why I picked it as my 2015 theme song by CLICKING HERE, but I do have a few things to say as well.

First of all, the title. No two words describe my year better. Butterflies, like butterflies in my stomach. Nervousness, anxiousness, and a jittery uneasiness has plagued this entire year. And hurricanes, a destructive force in a wave crashing over my life. I'm a little dramatic sometimes. It comes with being a writer (and it being the middle of the night and not having gotten a good night's sleep in over a week).

So yes, the title alone describe my year wonderfully, but we cannot ever forget the words to this song. It's so empowering to me. If I ever need a pick me up, I listen to this song.

 "You've got to change the world and use this chance to be heard." 

Ah! Love those words so very much. I have done my best to use my depression, anxiety, and miscarriage to help others. Recently I was able to speak with someone who helped me realize that the things I say on here really do help some people. While these are the things that are hardest to talk about, they need to be heard. We can't pretend they don't exist. And it's my chance to be heard, and change the world.

Warrior - Demi Lovato

I have talked about this song a lot on this blog. Too many times to know where to look for links. This is the song that got me through this year. This is the song that gets me through my depression. This is the song that gives me strength to keep going when I feel like giving up.

After my miscarriage, and even sometimes before, I wrote the word "Warrior" on my wrist so I could look down at it and feel stronger. It sat above my scars and kept me from cutting or injuring myself again. It helped protect me when I felt my weakest. This song, this word, has helped save me countless times.

For my 26th birthday this year I got the word officially tattooed on my wrist. I want to write up a full post on it because there is some controversy in my decision, given my religious beliefs, but just know, that this was not impulsive, it was fully thought through, and I believe it was one of the best decisions I've made for myself in a long time.

We All Need Saving - Jon McLaughlin

Ah, my love, Jon McLaughlin. Random tangent, I saw him in concert last Friday and it was just him and his piano and no band and... oh my gosh... I love him so much. I'm sorry Chris. It's a different sort of love, I promise. You're still my soulmate and one true love, Chris.

I think that this song is incredibly important and has been for many years. Because living with depression feels like you're alone. Going through my miscarriage, I was certain no one understood what I was going through and what I was feeling. That's not true, though.

"I don't know why it has to be this way and I don't know the cure, but please believe that someone else has felt this before."

 This sentence has meant different things to me at different times. While my religious beliefs have waivered a lot this year, I have never once doubted in the reality and healing power of The Atonement. We are never alone and we are not the only ones who have felt the way we do. "We all need saving" and we can't be afraid to ask for help when we need it.

No matter what you're feeling, you are not alone and you can ask for help from a friend, family member, God, and always me. Because I believe no one should hide their pain, and when you're hurting, you have to find the courage to ask for help.

____________________________________________________________

Well, that was nice, it ended up a lot less depressing than I thought it would be. We also got a lot of different genres, so that was fun. 

Thanks for bearing with me through this post and the random and completely unedited photos. I promise I will post more about my tattoo soon because I have a lot to say about it. 

Let me know in the comments below what songs describe your year! And please tell me I'm not the only one anxiously waiting for this year to end... Thanks, love you, bye.

This weirdness of this post was brought to you by exhaustion. Get some sleep and don't let it happen to you!

Resolve - Charity of the Month November 2016

Hello, friends! Did you think Charity of the Month was gone? Well, you're wrong. It will never be gone. Helping people was my sole reasoning for starting this blog. So that's what's happening. It just struggles sometimes, because since my blog readership is low I feel like it doesn't make much of a difference, which is the exact opposite of what I should be thinking. We, as humans, should help other humans for the sake of helping other people. Even if we never make a dent in the real problem, a single donation is better than no donations.

That's my rant for the day. Just kidding, a lot of this post is a rant.

Anyway, November is weird for me this year. As many of you know, one year ago I had a miscarriage. And, as you also may know, I am not pregnant again. When it's been a year, I get asked occasionally (though I don't recommend asking anyone this) "Are you concerned about infertility?"

Infertility is a concern of mine. If you are curious, I am seeing a doctor this month to verify I don't have infertility problems since it has been a year since my miscarriage. Though I don't believe that infertility is my problem. I firmly believe a lot of it has had to do with never getting closure on my miscarriage, until July. And depression. That damn depression thing I have ruins a lot of things.

Sorry, getting off track here.

While I'm not sure if I am infertile, I do know people who are. And I know the pain and struggle of not being able to get pregnant. Trust me, I know it very, very well.

I recently found Resolve, the National Infertility Association and wanted to highlight them as the Charity of the Month for November.

Everyone should have the right to start a family. A lot of my religion is about families, which is what makes my particular situation so difficult, seeing as every Sunday they talk about families and kids... a lot. It's exhausting to sit there every week and not cry. And while the world finds pregnancy so normal and easy, it's not easy for everyone.

There are so many women out there who struggle to get pregnant, or can't even get pregnant at all. But people never talk about it.

This past year I had a miscarriage and my sister-in-law had a stillbirth. And no one talks about either of those things.

I understand why. It's because it's so difficult to talk about. I physically couldn't talk about my miscarriage for months because it was just too painful. Losing a child in any way is heartbreaking, whether you got to hold them or not. And it's something that needs to be discussed more. Because I know I'm not the only one. There are so many other women out there who have had a miscarriage, or a stillbirth, and have struggled to get pregnant again.

If you are like me and struggle to get pregnant, get yourself checked out. Don't procrastinate it like I have out of fear and pain. Make sure that if something is wrong that you know about it, so you can be prepared for the struggle. Don't suffer in silence.

And if you have infertility problems, know that there are options for you. And that you are not alone. Nor will you ever be alone in your struggle.

Resolve give you information, references, and choices.

Their website is filled with information. If you want to know more, I highly recommend checking their website and taking the time to do your research, because information is out there. If you are struggling to get pregnant, find the information that you need and don't procrastinate it. If you are ready to start or grow your family, then take action.

The three main things that Resolve does that I fully support are as follows:

• Raising public awareness of the issue of infertility.
• Breaking down the financial barriers that hold women back from getting infertility treatment.
• And offering support to all who need it.

If you are suffering from infertility I urge you to visit Resolve's website and get the information that you need. 

Now, whether or not infertility is an issue for you, I want all of you to CLICK HERE and make a donation to Resolve. (And bonus, through November 11th your donation will be doubled!!) For all you know, your donation could help someone start their family.  

And if you want to go even further, check out Go Fund Me where there are literally thousands of couples asking for donations to help them fund their infertility treatments. I have a friend who is currently using Go Fund Me to help her get the money she needs to help start her family. You could honestly make a difference in someone's life by the smallest donation. 

I'm so happy that I get to use my birthday month to raise awareness for an issue that is very close to my heart. Everyone deserves to start their family, but not everyone can do it without help. Every little donation makes a difference, no matter how small. So make your donations and maybe you'll help start a life. 

Another Letter to My Miscarried Child

My Dearest Lil Pumpkin,

Hello again! It felt right to write something to you again today. I was going through old files on my computer and exactly one year ago today I filmed an announcement for my YouTube channel that I was pregnant with you, an announcement no one but me has ever seen. It also means that it was about one year ago today I found out I was pregnant.

I still consider that day one of the happiest of my entire life. Which now makes it a bittersweet memory, and causes a little bit more pain to think about.

As you're aware, a few weeks ago I lost my nephew Jamison. A stillborn. Which has to be a lot harder for his mother than my miscarriage was.

I wrote her a letter too. Telling her that she'll be okay, though I'm certain she doesn't believe me. I understand that though. It's taken me a very long time to start believing it might be true.

July 15th our little Jamison's body was born. I held that precious child in my arms and I kept thinking about you. How the two of you are probably off in heaven playing around together. How you're protecting each other as cousins do. How you're watching over the mothers you couldn't stay with.

I hate that we had to lose Jamison. I hate it so much. But somehow, holding him in my arms, going to the funeral, watching his mother have to deal with it all, I finally understand why I had to lose you. And I've finally gotten the shred of closure that I needed.

The day we had found out Jamison was lost I had spent that morning in crisis care, bawling my eyes out over you, over not being pregnant again, over not having a child. Your dad took me in to keep me from hurting myself, he wanted me safe. He cried with me because he hates seeing me in pain, and he tries so hard to understand and prevent it.

I spent my morning devastated over your loss and trying to keep from hurting myself, only to learn later we had lost Jamison.

And somehow, my tears disappeared.

I was comforted.

And the sentence popped into my head, "You are not pregnant because you have to help Aubrey."

I remember when I first learned I lost you, November 3rd, a similar thought had come to me. Though the words are hazy now, I remember hearing a voice in my head say that I was no longer pregnant because I had to help others.

Lil Pumpkin, you're so smart. You knew the eternal plan when I didn't. You knew that there would be someone out there who would need me to go through what I did so that I could help them with their pain.

Isn't that what I've worked for on my blog for years? To help other people with depression to know they aren't alone?

And you knew that there would be people in the world who would lose their children as well. Who would become mothers without a child on earth. People who can read my stories and experiences and find strength in them.

You knew that I want to help people, and you knew that this was one of the ways I would be able to.

Through this experience, I've found strength, comfort, and closure. Things Jamison's mother will struggle to find for who knows how long.

I held little Jamison in my arms and stood in the corner of the hospital room, Chris by my side, and I told him to give you a message. To tell you how much I miss you and how so very, very much I love you.

And that simple act gave me closure.

Speaking to Jamison felt like the strongest connection to you I have had in the past nine months. I was able to tell you I love you and I know, I know with every part of me, that he delivered the message.

At the funeral for Jamison we released balloons into the air for him, to send them up to heaven for him. But I thought mostly of you. Releasing that balloon I thought about you and giving you that balloon, the only earthy gift that I could give you since you left.

And I found my closure.

That isn't to say I don't still miss you. I wish I had been able to keep you on earth with me. I wish things had been different. I wish that I had a child. But I know now that you weren't meant to stay on earth with me, no matter how painful that thought is.

I still miss you, and I will every day. But I'm sure you've seen that I don't cry as much anymore. I'm doing alright.... I'm FINALLY doing alright.

Thank you for being with me for as long as you could. These next few months might be difficult for me with big changes, and remembering that only a year ago I was the happiest I had ever been, but I'm so grateful that I had those few months to spend with you, no matter how brief they were.

I love you so much and I will always love you.

And to my nephew Jamison, 

I love you very, very much. You were the most beautiful baby I've ever had the honor of holding. I was devastated at your loss and I wish you had been able to stay on earth with us, so I could prove that I could be the best aunt ever. Take care of my Lil Pumpkin. Take care of your mother. I'll do everything I can to take care of her as well. 

We know why you couldn't stay. You leaving meant saving her life. You wanted her to live and stay with us even if it meant you couldn't. And as much as I hate the fact you couldn't stay, thank you for helping her. I love your mother, she is my sister and friend. You protected her the only way you could, and I will do the same here on earth, for her and your father.

Jamison, I love that you have a name for me to call you by. I love that I was able to hold you. You were perfect. You were such an incredible, beautiful, amazing miracle. I cannot wait to see you again someday. 

I love you and I miss you. 

My Other Posts About Miscarriage:

Random Thoughts From the Brain of Kaylee

Why People Need to Not Ask Me About Pregnancy

3rd Year Anniversary Thoughts

Sunday Scrapbook/Journal

A Letter to my Miscarried Child

My Dog Almost Ate My Ultrasound Pictures Today

It's Hard to be Happy

Oh Yeah, I'm 25

Heartbroken