How To Be Happy

I'm sorry to disappoint, but I don't have the answer. I can't tell you how to be happy when happiness is something that often evades me. But that doesn't mean I don't continue to try and find happiness. Nor does it mean that I can't help you find happiness as well.

See, happiness is often said to be a decision. We are often told that if we want to be happy, then we can make ourselves happy. But as someone with depression, I have to say that's bull. Happiness is something I work so hard for, yet I often fall short. And it's not because I didn't decide to be happy, it's because depression distorts my mind.

Happiness is not just a decision. It takes work sometimes. If happiness is something that you want in your own life, here are a couple of things you can do to help find happiness in your own life.

1. Read positive daily mantras

I recently created a note on my phone with my mantras. I read these every morning and every night. I also read them when I feel I need a pick-me-up. When I move into my apartment I plan to hang these on my bathroom mirror so I automatically see them in the morning when getting ready and at night while brushing my teeth..

Your mantras should relate to you personally. Scoure the internet, Pinterest, music, books, whatever to help you find a few short sentences that will lift you up and make you want to be better.

Here are my current daily mantras. I'm sure this list will change at many times in my life, but here is what I need in my life currently:

"With God life is oh so good!" 

(This is a quote by Al Carraway, my current blogger obsession.)

You are perfect, God makes no mistakes.

"Who you are is not where you've been."

(This is from an amazing Taylor Swift song called "Innocent." I would link the quote to my Spotify, but T-Swift took her songs off Spotify, something I can never forgive her for.)

You are beautiful, inside and out.

"Do you like the person you've become?" 

(This is from my theme song for the year, "The Weight of Living: Part II" by Bastille. Read about why it's my theme song by CLICKING HERE.)

I am a warrior.

(This relates to my tattoo. Read about why I got my tattoo by CLICKING HERE.)

By reading these mantras daily, I find happiness comes a bit easier. Repetition helps us learn, and repetition can help us to think more positively. 

2. Have faith

Whether it's faith in God, faith the sun will rise, faith that things can't get any worse, having faith will bring you happiness. We as humans need something to believe in. We wouldn't get up in the morning and commute to a job we dislike if we didn't have faith that it will bring us money or something better in the future. We always believe in something. 

For anyone new to my blog, in November 2015 I had a miscarriage and lost my first child. Without faith, I would have never survived that experience. My heart still aches when I think about it and I still cry over my lost child often, but I have faith that I will see my child again and that someday, somehow, I will be able to become a mother. 

When you are feeling low, and happiness is too difficult to find, figure out what it is that you have faith in. Do you have faith that you will survive the pain? Do you have faith that you are loved? Do you have faith that you will be successful? Take that faith, cling to it, and you will make it through whatever trial you're going through. 

3. Find the things that make you happy...

For a while I did "Happy Tuesday" posts, where I literally just listed the things that had made me happy the previous week. The act of writing down what made me happy, made me feel happier. It was often the littlest things that brought me the most happiness. 

Here are a few examples of the things that make me happiest:

Dancing. Music. Cows. Writing. Notebooks. Zoram Gerrard. My husband. Reading. Makeup. Food. Sugary food. Rain. How To Train Your Dragon. Binge watching TV shows on Netflix. Pinterest. And more. 

I recently found a Tumblr post (which is now lost in the internet world) that said something along the lines of, there is no excuse too small to not commit suicide. At the age of 17 I was suicidal. I survived for various reasons, but one of the main ones was that I knew my family loved me, and I refused to hurt them, even if it meant I was suffering myself. 

Also at the age of 17 I met an incredible friend by the name of Colton. He was the first person I ever told about my depression. He invented Happy Tuesdays with me and every Tuesday we would hang out together. I looked forward to my Tuesdays every week to be with the person who made me laugh the most. Tuesdays became one of my small reasons to not commit suicide. 

Everyone finds happiness in different ways and I encourage each one of you to find what makes you the happiest and go out and do it. (Unless it's illegal, maybe don't do that, maybe find something that's morally good as well as happy. Just a thought.)

(If any of you are contemplating suicide, please check out the resources in THIS POST for help. You can also email me at thedancingcowblogger@gmail.com if you need someone to talk to. I'm here for you. I know what it's like, you are not alone, and you can find help and you will survive.)

4. ...And get rid of the things that bring you unhappiness

This past year I moved from Logan to the Salt Lake Valley to live with my parents. Did I ever expect, or want, to be twenty-six years old, married, and living in my parent's basement? Not really. But I left Logan because I was unhappy. Logan had become the place I dropped out of college, the place I lost my child, the place so many bad things had happened to me, and I just couldn't take it anymore. 

Could I have waited until we could afford an apartment of our own? Sure. But I was unhappy and needed to do something about it right away. So I did. I was offered a job and I got out of Logan as fast as I could, with my supportive husband by my side. 

There are certain things we can't just get rid of immediately. I would like someday to be a full-time blogger and writer, no longer having to work for companies. Quitting my job and dedicating my life to writing would make me happy, but the stress of unemployment and struggling for money means that I have to endure and have faith (ah ha, see, #2 totally is important) that what I am doing now will help me to get where I want to be. 

But any of the little things in your life that are bringing you down you need to get rid of. This can be done in many different ways. For example: Do you have a friend who is constantly bringing you down? Maybe it's time to find a new friend. Does your weight make you unhappy? Put in the work to get rid of it and become stronger.  Do you not feel comfortable in your wardrobe? Sell it and buy new clothes. Does college make you absolutely miserable? Maybe you need a break, or a different major, or a different location. 

If you want to be happy you have to put in the work and that includes staying away from whatever brings you down. 

5. Build strong relationships

I cannot imagine my life without Chris. He is my soulmate, best friend and everything in between. He is many times the only reason I find the strength to get up in the morning. He gives me so much love and he only wants me to be happy. My relationship with my husband is a strong bond that I never expected was possible. 

If my husband is not around and I just need someone to hug, who loves me, and is always happy to see me, I turn to Zoram Gerrard, my dog. Zoram is such a snuggler and his snuggles often bring a smile to my face even in the darkest of times. 

But most importantly, the relationship I turn to most when I am feeling unhappy or weak, is my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I know that my Father in Heaven knows every pain that I am going through, he has a plan for my life, he does not want me to suffer, and if I rely on him and trust in him, then I can be happy. 

I have so many wonderful relationships in my life with my parents, siblings, friends, and coworkers. Building these relationships brings me happiness. As I mentioned before, I would never do anything to hurt my family. I put them above myself. Their happiness means to world to me. And more often than not, when we work to make other people happy, we find happiness ourselves. 

Whether your strongest relationships are with family, friends, spouses, God, or even your pet, build up that relationship until you cannot break it. That person then becomes your rock, someone you can turn to when you need help. I promise you that everyone has someone in their lives that loves them. Love them back, with all you have, and you will find happiness through each other. 

What in your life brings you the most happiness? 

Let me know in the comments below! 

Why I, As A Mormon, Chose to Get a Tattoo

 

No one can ever call me a perfect Mormon and I'm not even that close to the top. I've made so many mistakes. I've allowed myself to fade away multiple times. I've never actually completed reading the Book of Mormon all the way through. I always forget to pray. And my testimony of the gospel is not the strongest.

That being said, I've never completely fallen away either. I was lucky to have an experience at the age of 17 that ensured that I could never deny God or leave the church for good. I believe the God, I believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the truest gospel on the earth today, and I love the teachings and blessings that I receive when I do attend.

But as someone who suffers from depression on a daily basis, being a member of the church can be incredibly difficult.

My depression is a full blown, daily struggle, daily having to remind myself to be happy. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

A month or so before I met my husband, I was at a very difficult point in my life. And in a moment of weakness and loss of control, I took my hair straightener and pressed it against my left arm, leaving burns.

This wasn't my first instance of self-harm, and it wasn't the last either. Only the largest and most significant. In high school I spent nights with tweezers, picking at my legs until they bled. In college, I used my razor on my wrists. And after getting married, I used my own fingernails to scratch at my arms till they were raw and almost bleeding.

Growing up LDS, I was always taught my body is a temple. We are meant to love and protect our bodies the way we would the temple. But the distortion that depression causes, has never allowed me to fully grasp this concept.

For me, my body, my skin, is the thing that holds in all the darkness, the depression. When I cut myself, it was because I needed to feel real pain, to see an actual wound, to be able to put a band-aid over it and know that it would heal. Depression, the darkness inside of me, doesn't heal. I can't put a band-aid on it, I can't control it, I can't stop it when it comes.

There are ways to ease my depression, but it's still invisible. Treating an invisible wound isn't the same as one you can see. At my weakest points, I needed a visible wound to help me feel like I was in control again. If I couldn't see the pain I was feeling, I would make pain I could see.

A few years ago I found a song by my idol, Demi Lovato. The song is called "Warrior" and the moment I heard it, it changed my life.

This is a story that I have never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro

All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know

Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I'm not broken or bruised

'Cause now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me

There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause you are never gonna take the blame anyway

Now I'm a warrior
I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

No oh, yeah, yeah

You can never hurt me again

I cannot express how much this song speaks to me. It sometimes feels as if this song was written about me, for me.

I've talked in the past about being a warrior. One year ago I shared a post called "Become A Warrior" in which I shared how I would write the word "Warrior" on my wrist to remind myself to be strong. And when I got the urge to claw at my arms, I would see the word on my arm and remember that I am a warrior, I am a fighter, and my depression "can never hurt me again."

On November 4th, 2015, I had my miscarriage and lost my first child. And throughout 2016, my depression had been worse than ever before in my life. The song "Warrior" was the only thing that kept me from injuring myself. I was consistently writing the word on my wrist as a reminder that I could survive. Somehow, I would survive the pain.

As a person, as a Child of God, I am in a war against Satan. Because of my depression, he has a strong grip on my life. I have to be a fighter to make it through the hell I am put through. I have to work hard on a daily basis to break the hold Satan has on my life, my actions, and my emotions.

"Warrior" helps me in the war against Satan. It helps me to not injure myself. It helps in the moments I want my life to end. It helps when my social anxiety appears. It helps me to be confident. It helps me to stay strong, be positive, and look for the light when my head is so full of darkness.

On November 4th, 2016, I got a tattoo of the word "Warrior" on my left wrist so I would never be without the support and strength that word gives me.

In my religion we are told not to get tattoos, to protect our temple. For me, getting this tattoo was one of the best ways for me to help protect my body and temple. And while I not supporting breaking the commandments the prophets have given us, I believe that for me, in my life, in my situation, getting this tattoo was important.

The night I got my tattoo, I said a prayer to my Father in Heaven. I apologized for breaking the rule and explain why I believed I needed it. And for a brief moment, I felt peace that He understood. I'm not saying that my decision was right or wrong, but I made the decision and I fully accept anything that comes of it, good or bad.

I have never once felt guilty or ashamed of getting my tattoo. I am proud to show my tattoo. I am happy to tell people why I got it. And while I know that many other members of the church will never understand, I still believe it was the right decision for me and I am not going to let them bring me down.

I cannot say that having this tattoo has made my depression go away. It's not magic, I know that will never happen. But there have been moments where the darkness takes over, I begin to lose control, and I see the word and make a change.

I still hurt, I still make mistakes, I still find myself in pain, but I am now constantly reminded that I am a warrior. Even if I lose a battle, I can still win the war. I can still triumph over Satan and his clutches. I can still find happiness even when I feel all hope is lost.

My life is not over. I can be successful. I can be the person that I want to be. 

Because as a warrior, I will NEVER stop fighting. 

Suicide Prevention | COTM February 2017

Hello, friends! This month's Charity of the Month is actually multiple charities, all relating to depression and suicide prevention.

February was the month where I made the decision to live. I am a survivor of suicide and I believe wholeheartedly that suicide is a topic not talked about enough. It is the most serious thing to plague our world. It's never a joke, it's never something to be taken lightly, and it needs to be understood more fully.

This month I have a series of posts related to my personal struggle with depression and suicide. Every Sunday this month you can expect a new post about how I survived and have been able to cope. I'm not better. I'm not magically healed. But I've survived and I'm a warrior fighting to stay alive. And I'm never giving up.

The following charities mean a lot to many people and deserve our attention and support. Like any Charity of the Month, I encourage you to donate what you can. It doesn't have to be a lot, just whatever you can manage. Together, as a team, we can help make a difference. I'm not asking you to donate to all of these charities, do what you can, even if that just means sharing these charities with someone in need.

There are so many people out there who are needing help but will never show it. It is up to us to get this information out there and maybe, just maybe, we can save a life.

Before I get into the charities I want to share an image I found on Pinterest this past week. It speaks for itself.

SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, CALL THIS NUMBER. This number can help with suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and depression. Please visit their website and read about the warning signs. Educate yourself so you can help those around you, and possibly save a life.

You can donate to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline by CLICKING HERE.


AMERICAN FOUNDATION FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION

One of the best ways to prevent suicides is to educate. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention researches the best ways to prevent and assist. They help those struggling with suicidal thoughts and those who have lost a loved one due to suicide.

There are many ways to help with the AFSP and you can learn about how you can offer your help by CLICKING HERE.


THE TREVOR PROJECT

The Trevor Project provides crisis and suicide prevention to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youths ages 12-24. In many cases, a suicide or crisis stems from bullying, which is something that I cannot stand. I am not gay, but that doesn't mean this charity is any lesser than the others on this list or doesn't deserve help.

To donate to The Trevor Project CLICK HERE.

CLASP

Clasp is the mental health awareness and suicide prevention charity for our UK friends. The above charities are American based because that's where I live. But to any of my readers in the UK, this charity is your best resource for nearby assistance.

CLICK HERE to donate to Clasp, whether or not you're based in the UK.

TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS

The final charity for this month was the February charity last year. It's one of my personal favorites and will always need and deserve our support. You can read what I wrote last year by CLICKING HERE.

Make your donations to TWLOHA by CLICKING HERE.

How To Become A Fitness Junkie With Kaylee Farnes

STEP 1: Join a gym. Preferably a real expensive one with all the amenities of a resort and a cost that will never be worth the few times you go.

(They don't all have to be expensive. My husband and I go to Vasa Fitness for a reasonable price.)

STEP 2: Weigh and measure yourself to get a starting point. Then cry over ice cream because you really let yourself go.

STEP 3: Create a workout playlist of all your favorite songs. Spend as much time as you can on it, probably during the hour that would be best spent at the gym.

(You can check out my Spotify playlist of workout songs by CLICKING HERE.)

STEP 4: Download all of the fitness and dieting apps and buy all the products so you're well prepared.

(Got to get those Fitbit steps in. Also, the above Gif is from "The IT Crowd" which is on Netflix, go check it out.)

STEP 5: Create a Pinterest board with hundreds of workouts and dieting tips that you'll forget about and never use.

(I'm compulsively on Pinterest every night before bed. You can look at my fitness board by CLICKING HERE.)

STEP 6: Start a new Instagram account for all your #GymSelfies.

(I'm guilty of this for sure and you can view them all on my second Instagram account @kayleeshealthylife)

STEP 7: Share all your weight loss and fitness goals on social media so everyone else can know how good you are.

STEP 8: After a good workout reward yourself with some chocolate. You earned it.

(Can I just be Taylor Swift in a crown? Please?)

STEP 9: Tweet about your workout. If it's not on social media, it didn't happen.

(Shameless Twitter plug, @cowgirl_kaylee)

STEP 10: Repeat the above steps over and over again until your magically fit.

____________________________________________________________

Yes, yes, I'm very funny. But in all honesty, this has been my understanding of health goals. Health and fitness goals are hard. So ridiculously hard. We make goals that seem possible in the beginning, but the work and time we have to put into it can be overwhelming.

Mondays on this blog are now all about health and fitness. This doesn't just include physical health. As someone who has depression and works to raise more awareness about the seriousness of mental health, my Monday health posts will include mental, emotional, and physical. We should always be growing our brains as well as our bodies, and learning to help our emotions work for us instead of against us.

All my life I have wanted to help people and I've decided that now is the time to do something about it. I am not perfect. I have many struggles, insecurities, and make mistakes daily. But I know I'm not alone. We are not alone and if we work together, we are capable of anything. We are a team, the Dancing Cow Team, and together we can help make ourselves and the world better.

Monday health posts are not all set in stone, they may not start immediately, but by the end of the year, they should be a consistent thing. As always, I'm grateful for my amazing blog readers because, without you, this idea would never have happened. I love you all, more than I can express.

This post contains affiliate links.

Another Letter to My Miscarried Child

My Dearest Lil Pumpkin,

Hello again! It felt right to write something to you again today. I was going through old files on my computer and exactly one year ago today I filmed an announcement for my YouTube channel that I was pregnant with you, an announcement no one but me has ever seen. It also means that it was about one year ago today I found out I was pregnant.

I still consider that day one of the happiest of my entire life. Which now makes it a bittersweet memory, and causes a little bit more pain to think about.

As you're aware, a few weeks ago I lost my nephew Jamison. A stillborn. Which has to be a lot harder for his mother than my miscarriage was.

I wrote her a letter too. Telling her that she'll be okay, though I'm certain she doesn't believe me. I understand that though. It's taken me a very long time to start believing it might be true.

July 15th our little Jamison's body was born. I held that precious child in my arms and I kept thinking about you. How the two of you are probably off in heaven playing around together. How you're protecting each other as cousins do. How you're watching over the mothers you couldn't stay with.

I hate that we had to lose Jamison. I hate it so much. But somehow, holding him in my arms, going to the funeral, watching his mother have to deal with it all, I finally understand why I had to lose you. And I've finally gotten the shred of closure that I needed.

The day we had found out Jamison was lost I had spent that morning in crisis care, bawling my eyes out over you, over not being pregnant again, over not having a child. Your dad took me in to keep me from hurting myself, he wanted me safe. He cried with me because he hates seeing me in pain, and he tries so hard to understand and prevent it.

I spent my morning devastated over your loss and trying to keep from hurting myself, only to learn later we had lost Jamison.

And somehow, my tears disappeared.

I was comforted.

And the sentence popped into my head, "You are not pregnant because you have to help Aubrey."

I remember when I first learned I lost you, November 3rd, a similar thought had come to me. Though the words are hazy now, I remember hearing a voice in my head say that I was no longer pregnant because I had to help others.

Lil Pumpkin, you're so smart. You knew the eternal plan when I didn't. You knew that there would be someone out there who would need me to go through what I did so that I could help them with their pain.

Isn't that what I've worked for on my blog for years? To help other people with depression to know they aren't alone?

And you knew that there would be people in the world who would lose their children as well. Who would become mothers without a child on earth. People who can read my stories and experiences and find strength in them.

You knew that I want to help people, and you knew that this was one of the ways I would be able to.

Through this experience, I've found strength, comfort, and closure. Things Jamison's mother will struggle to find for who knows how long.

I held little Jamison in my arms and stood in the corner of the hospital room, Chris by my side, and I told him to give you a message. To tell you how much I miss you and how so very, very much I love you.

And that simple act gave me closure.

Speaking to Jamison felt like the strongest connection to you I have had in the past nine months. I was able to tell you I love you and I know, I know with every part of me, that he delivered the message.

At the funeral for Jamison we released balloons into the air for him, to send them up to heaven for him. But I thought mostly of you. Releasing that balloon I thought about you and giving you that balloon, the only earthy gift that I could give you since you left.

And I found my closure.

That isn't to say I don't still miss you. I wish I had been able to keep you on earth with me. I wish things had been different. I wish that I had a child. But I know now that you weren't meant to stay on earth with me, no matter how painful that thought is.

I still miss you, and I will every day. But I'm sure you've seen that I don't cry as much anymore. I'm doing alright.... I'm FINALLY doing alright.

Thank you for being with me for as long as you could. These next few months might be difficult for me with big changes, and remembering that only a year ago I was the happiest I had ever been, but I'm so grateful that I had those few months to spend with you, no matter how brief they were.

I love you so much and I will always love you.

And to my nephew Jamison, 

I love you very, very much. You were the most beautiful baby I've ever had the honor of holding. I was devastated at your loss and I wish you had been able to stay on earth with us, so I could prove that I could be the best aunt ever. Take care of my Lil Pumpkin. Take care of your mother. I'll do everything I can to take care of her as well. 

We know why you couldn't stay. You leaving meant saving her life. You wanted her to live and stay with us even if it meant you couldn't. And as much as I hate the fact you couldn't stay, thank you for helping her. I love your mother, she is my sister and friend. You protected her the only way you could, and I will do the same here on earth, for her and your father.

Jamison, I love that you have a name for me to call you by. I love that I was able to hold you. You were perfect. You were such an incredible, beautiful, amazing miracle. I cannot wait to see you again someday. 

I love you and I miss you. 

My Other Posts About Miscarriage:

Random Thoughts From the Brain of Kaylee

Why People Need to Not Ask Me About Pregnancy

3rd Year Anniversary Thoughts

Sunday Scrapbook/Journal

A Letter to my Miscarried Child

My Dog Almost Ate My Ultrasound Pictures Today

It's Hard to be Happy

Oh Yeah, I'm 25

Heartbroken

Random Thoughts From The Brain of Kaylee

Two nights ago I had a dream that I can't stop thinking about. So here it is.

In the dream we were riding in my sister's car. (Something that had actually happened right before I went to sleep!) But her car had some weird sensor that detected how many people were in the car. This sensor kept saying that there was one more person in the car than there really was.

Because of this, everyone in the car kept telling me, "Kaylee you're pregnant! That's what this means! It knows!" And they kept saying it over and over again. But I kept fighting it. I kept telling them that I cannot be told I'm pregnant, because I would end up not being pregnant and have to go through losing a baby again.

In the dream was so distraught, crying and screaming at them to stop telling me I was pregnant. My dream self was so upset that my real self woke up in the middle of the night. And then I laid there still feeling upset and anxious and unable to forget the dream.

I've known for a long time now that whenever I get pregnant again I'll have emotional issues. I feel like I cannot allow myself to love or even care about my next pregnancy because if I lose that one too I wouldn't be able to handle pain like that again.

It hurts that that's how I feel about pregnancy now. I just can't care like I did last time. I was so emotionally attached to that last one that when I lost my baby it was so jarring and heartbreaking.

Of course after waking up from that dream I began to question if I really was pregnant. I have a tendency of mentally exaggerating certain pains or feelings because I want to be pregnant so badly. My back slightly hurts? It must mean I'm pregnant! That's what my life is like right now and quite honestly it's exhausting.

But on a brighter note, I've hit the point where I know I want to be pregnant, I want this to happen, but I know it's not under my control. So I'm switching my focus over to things that I can control: my weight, my YouTube channel, and my stories. And it's honestly helping.

It sounds a little sad that I literally have to push away any thoughts of getting pregnant, but occupying my mind with other things has been the only thing that helps. Even if it's only for an hour or two.

I've had a rough week and my positivity is at an all-time low. I just keep waiting for this year to turn around and start being good. This has honestly been the worst year of my life, and we're halfway done. I'm praying the last half things will finally start going my way.

I am in a weird state of calm right now though. I think it's more of a numbness. Nothing can hurt me anymore, I'm numb to it all. And I'm just waiting for things to turn around, for me to stop worrying about getting pregnant, hating all those around me who are pregnant, and putting myself down for not being able to get pregnant again quick enough.

It's a hard time for me. But I just keep waiting. And waiting...

 And waiting.

April Is Over!!

Hello friends! Are you as happy as I am that April is over? It's been a weird and difficult month for me. I can only hope yours went smoother. But I'm excited for May. I love this month, my anniversary is this month, I'm starting a work weight loss challenge this month and hopefully can get happy about my body again, and have some other exciting events to go to. It'll be good.

Anyways, let's get into a rather brief review of the month of April, in no particular order.

April had some really great events, between seeing my favorite singer Jon McLaughlin and having him Tweet me saying this blog is nice... well that was basically the highlight of my year. You can read all about my concert experience HERE.

Chris and I also had the amazing opportunity to see Kyle Beckerman, captain and midfielder of the Real Salt Lake team, when he came to speak at USU. He talked a lot about how he was able to reach his goals and his dream of playing in the World Cup. I was inspired by a few of the things he said and have tried to add his wisdom into my own life.

I've gotten really into podcasts this month and have been inspired by those as well. I listen to funny podcasts, podcasts about writing, podcasts for bloggers, podcasts for YouTube, and podcasts about being happy. I have a rather brain-dead job and I can sit at work all day and listen to podcasts while still getting all my work done. It's been a rather exciting experience and I hope the lessons and inspiration I've received from listening to these podcasts will carry over to this blog.

I've also gone into major writing and planning mode. This September I will be releasing a series of short stories onto this blog, and I want them to be good. I still have a lot of writing and editing to do, but everything seems to be on track for the release date of September 17th. I really want to hype this up and get more followers to my blog beforehand so when it comes out there will be a larger response. Me releasing my stories is a big deal. I normally don't let anyone read my writing, so I'm hoping this all goes well.

*On that note, I am in need of illustrators who would be fine working for free. Any art style is welcome and you'll have a lot of personal input on how it's done. I also want a few readers to read my first drafts and fill out a form with their input. If you are interested in either of these things email me at thedancingcowblogger@gmail.com.*

Continuing on, my April started with me being sick for a week. It was a terrible week and it was the same week my baby was due. I honestly didn't even think about my baby on the due date because I was so sick. But I want to thank everyone for the response to "A Letter to My Miscarried Child".  That post was written about a month before the due date during a particularly bad moment. I have not been able to go back and read that post again since I wrote it. I have loved hearing your responses to that letter though. A lot of my pain stems from feeling so alone, like no one understands, but so many of you have addressed me personally with your own stories and it's been incredible to listen to your stories and to help give me hope for the future. So thank you, I love each and every one of my readers, and I am always looking out for you.

I believe that's it for my April review, not too much went on, and it wasn't too exciting, but I'm excited for May and everything it brings. I love you all!!

A Letter to My Miscarried Child

Dear Lil Pumpkin,

Today was your due date. Today was the day I was going to become a mother. I had been trying for a year to get pregnant with you, and near the end was getting getting very discouraged. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant with you. But then you left, and everything seemed to fall apart.

Everyday after that test came up positive, I prayed that you would be safe and healthy. Every. Single. Day. For me this was different, I had been struggling, I hadn't been praying, but for you it became important again.

Healthy and safe. That was all I wanted for you. Turns out, in order for that to happen you couldn't stay with me. I wanted you healthy and safe, and if being here wasn't what you needed to be healthy and safe, then I understand. And I'm happy that you found good health and safety by going back to your Father in Heaven... but that doesn't mean I don't miss you.

I miss you everyday, it aches. I miss you whenever I see a baby, or toddler, or even a teenager. I miss you whenever I see a pregnant lady. I miss you when I scroll through Facebook and constantly see pregnancy announcements, or pictures of children. I miss you in the mornings, in the afternoon, and during my countless sleepless nights. I miss you whenever I pray, and still pray for your health and safety. I miss you everyday.

I keep thinking that as time goes on it'll get better, that I'll stop feeling this pain. That I won't be so close to tears every second of every day. That going out and facing the world, facing families and parents won't kill me inside. That I won't have to force a smile, fake a laugh.

And maybe someday I will stop feeling the pain. But the thing is, I had you. I had you with me and now you're gone. I know it was for the best, I know that you're better off now, but what about me? Don't I get something? Don't I get to feel healthy and safe too?

I've been living in constant fear since you left. If I get pregnant again, will I lose that baby too? Would I be able to handle that pain a second time, when I'm hardly handling it now? I always wanted what was best for you, but when do I get what's best for me? When can I stop hurting? When can I stop being afraid? When can I start living again?

You took a part of me with you when you left. You will always have a piece of my heart. I will always love you. I loved caring for you and knowing you were here. I loved planning your future and preparing to hold you. And despite all the pain, that love has never died. I will always love you, and you will always be our "Lil Pumpkin".

I miss you, and I wish you were here. But I'm grateful to have had you, even if just a little while. I hope and pray that you always stay healthy and safe, and I hope you're praying for me too. Because it's been so hard getting to today without you here and knowing you aren't ever coming.

Happy due date, little one. I will always love you. 

Not A Mother

I haven't blogged in a while, and coming this Saturday I hope you understand why. Life is so unexpected as it constantly just takes us for a wild ride. We never know what's going to happen, what to expect, and how to react.

Things are difficult. Things always seem to be difficult for me, but this week especially. Because this was the week I was supposed to become a mother. My baby was due this Saturday. And I don't see how I could possibly just sit back and watch this week roll by without thinking of it.

I was supposed to become a mother, but I'm not, and I don't know when I will be. How long will it take till I know again? Weeks? Months? Years? And even if I do get pregnant again, will I lose that one too?

I'm so sick of unanswered questions. I'm so sick of life not feeling fair. I'm so sick of hurting and crying and not being happy. I'm so sick of being stuck surrounded by people who don't understand. I'm so sick of waiting to become a mother.

I'm not a mother and I want to be and none of this seems fair.

A Brand New Day

Hello friends! The following playlist is a short list of songs that were buzzing through my head while writing this post. So click play and get reading!!

Today is a special day for me, today begins the change from working 40 hours a week to 30 hours a week. Now you're probably wondering "Kaylee, why would you want to work less hours and get paid less money when you're always talking about how poor you are?" Well calm down, I'm getting to it. 

I truly believe that my issues with work began when I found out I was pregnant last August. There were so many thoughts going through my head at that time... Can I even work 40 hours a week while pregnant and sick? Should I continue this job after I have the baby? How will we ever afford this baby? Would I be better off working part-time when the baby comes? Is this even a job I want long-term?

I was feeling conflicted and stressed during my pregnancy, mainly because of my job. Each day it was getting harder and harder to go into work, and it wasn't because of the morning sickness. I no longer felt the same drive for my job or desire to be there. But I kept telling myself, "I'm doing this for my baby, so we can give him/her a good life." 

And then I lost my baby. And I no longer knew why I kept going to work. 

Now I'm not saying I have a bad job. I actually love what I do. I get to listen to my iTunes music and look over bills and solve issues, like puzzles (I love puzzles). The company I work for is great, I'm paid well, they supply me with good health insurance, and the company truly cares for its employees. [And it's always hiring so if you're in Cache Valley and need a job, I can hook you up!]

But even with loving what I do, my desire to go into work kept getting lower and lower through pregnancy, miscarriage, and postpartum depression (which I never knew could happen after a miscarriage, but that's what my therapist diagnosed me with... my miscarriage messed me up a bit you guys...) Every morning I would feel like crying, not wanting to go into work. Once I was there I was fine, but I just could not understand why I spent eight hours of my day there.

Let me go into how it was; I would wake up, drag myself out of bed after a long sleepless night, get myself ready, force Chris to wake up and drive me to work, then I'd sit for hours til Chris picked me up for lunch, go home eat, entertain the puppy for a while, go back to work, sit for hours, then get off work, go home, have no energy or motivation left to do anything, and sit in my bed to write or watch YouTube (but mainly the YouTube thing). 

Having battled depression for years, I decided years ago that I would only do things that make me happy. And I have not been happy for a long time. So I decided to make a change.

I will now only be working 30 hours a week, hopefully allowing myself more time to do things that I want. I want to go to the gym and pursue my dream since high school of teaching a gym class. I want to write in my books more. I want to continue making YouTube videos. I want to blog and make this blog more successful. I want to be able to take my knowledge and experiences with depressing, self-harm, and suicide to talk with other people struggling, to inspire them that things get better, and to be able to make a difference in someone's life.

And while I'll admit, laziness was a factor in not accomplishing those things, I am done spending most my time at a job I'm barely happy with to keep me from doing these things anymore.

Yes, it will be a struggle financially for a while, but my personal health and happiness is more important.

I have stories, personal and fictional, that I want to share with the world and I've made so many excuses on why I've never told them before. But when I go to the root of those reasons, most of them were stemmed from work. I'm not going to make excuses anymore and I'm going to give myself more time in the day to get these things done.

I'm truly blessed and grateful that my husband is very supportive of this decision. His first priority is me, and he has stood by me these past few months as I struggled with so many emotions and tried to figure out the best way to handle all this. He is amazing. I can't begin to think how I could possibly handle all this without him. He's my rock.

I've also been very fortunate to have an understanding family, who loves me and supports me no matter what I do. I love them so much and that they are always looking out for me, and want to best for me.

And a huge thank you to my boss and the company I work for. They've been very accommodating and understanding of my situation. I truly do work for a wonderful company and I'm glad we've been able to come up with a solution that allows me to stay at my job while still giving me more time for myself.

The first song on the playlist above has been stuck in my head for weeks now as I've sorted out this decision:

I'm so happy and excited for this change in my life. I believe it will give me more time to blog and talk with you more, you are all my friends and I love you. I can always count on you to be supportive of me as well, and for that I am truly grateful. 

I'm working on my happiness, and that's always been my priority, and I'm happy to make a change to help me reach it.

Becoming A Warrior

Friends, I'm sure you're all aware that this is a difficult time in my life. There's so much craziness going on that I wish I could just go hide somewhere and get decent amounts of sleep for a week. But life doesn't allow that. Life moves on. Life beats us. Life fights us. And sometimes we have to fight back.

It was eight years ago during this month that I was making suicide attempts. There are times when I'm reminded of everything that I was feeling at that time and I'm amazed that I survived. And there isn't a day that I don't thank God that I did survive it all. I have been so truly blessed in my life and I will always be grateful that I was strong enough not to end it early.

I know how awful life can be. I know what it's like to stare death in the face and want to give in. I know what it's like to give up and feel as if you can't go on any longer.

But I'm here to tell you that you can survive anything this life throws at you.

Because you are a warrior.

Warriors lose battles sometimes. Warriors still get bruised, beaten, and scarred. Warriors struggle some days and thrive other days.Warriors don't always fight alone. Warriors ask for help when they need it. But the most important thing about warriors... WARRIORS NEVER GIVE UP.

Over the past year whenever my depression is getting my down I write the word "Warrior" on my wrist with a heart. Having that word easily seen on my body reminds me that I am strong, that I have already survived so much, and that I can survive anything.

Friends, never give up on life, no matter how badly it's beating you down. You are a warrior. Together we are an army. And we are unstoppable.

To Write Love On Her Arms [February 2016 COTM]

Hello friends! This month's Charity of the Month is incredibly important to me. This past month I've been very open about my mental health. I have depression and social anxiety and I'm doing a lot recently to cope with it, as my recent miscarriage brought a new wave of difficulties with it.

But something from my past that I am always timid to share, but if you read my blog carefully you already know, in high school I attempted suicide. I cut myself. I was, and sometimes still can be, an emotional wreck.

But I believe that I am a warrior, that I've overcome my issues and can face all my new issues without being defeated ever again. And I believe that my past has made me stronger. But most importantly, I believe that there are many others who are like me who don't know how to become warriors, who don't know how to help themselves, and have the potential to lose the battle.

Those are the people I blog for, the people I strive to help. But I can't do it alone, and I'm so grateful for the many organizations that help these people as well.

One particular organization is To Write Love On Her Arms.

Quick disclaimer, I did not learn about this organization until I was already on the healing end, so I didn't not use TWLOHA as a resource to help with my depression. However, I truly wish I had known and had looked over their website to help me.

TWLOHA's mission statement is as follows:

 "To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery."

 By making a donation to TWLOHA this month you are helping people like me with depression and other mental health disorders to find the assistance they need. TWLOHA helps people to find the treatment that they need in order to become warriors and fight through. You would also be helping to break stereotypes and educate the world about mental heath disorders. 

More so than the other charities I promote and support, TWLOHA is incredibly personal and important to me. I truly hope you all take the time to look over their website and learn more about what they do, then make a donation to assist them in their efforts. 

If you yourself are struggling with depression, addiction, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts, please CLICK HERE to be taken to TWLOHA website to find resources and help in your area. You are also always welcome to email me and talk with me. I've been through it too. You aren't alone, and you don't ever have to feel that way.

I was not paid to promote or endorse To Write Love On Her Arms. These are strictly my views.

How Social Anxiety Makes Me Feel

When I was younger I was told I was shy. And I believed it. 

It wasn't until I was older, in college, that I realized it was something more. 

I have social anxiety. 

Social anxiety isn't about just being shy.

It's about having actual panic and anxiety attacks in social situations. 

I wish I had known as a child that I wasn't just shy,

That there was more to what I was feeling.

Because understanding I have social anxiety, has made it so much better. 

It's not cured, but it's better, because I know I'm not just shy. 

It's still a struggle sometimes.

But it's something I face.

And knowing it's more than being shy helps me handle it better.

But this is what I feel on a regular basis... 

If I'm late for work and late for our 9:00 numbers meeting, with the permission of my boss, if I am already late, I don't have to go, because walking into the conference room late, having everyone look at me as I go in makes me feel hot and makes my chest ache. 

The other day I knew I had a meeting at noon, a meeting where I would have to read aloud in front of the group, a small group of no more than six. For the ten minutes leading up to that meeting, my whole body was shaking uncontrollably and I felt freezing cold. Breathing was difficult. So you can imagine the exhaustion I felt when noon came and I was told the meeting was cancelled. 

I walked into a bathroom stall to find there was no toilet paper. Instead of immediately leaving and switching stalls, I stood around waiting till I heard everyone else leave the bathroom, terrified of what people might think to see me leave my stall to enter another. 

When paying for items at a store or restaurant, I have a mini panic attack if it takes me a little while to get out my wallet. It terrifies me to have the cashier waiting on me or have people behind me. 

In one instance, I went to buy items at the store and my card was declined. It took all my energy to stay composed as the cashier kindly pointed out an ATM for me, where my card was also declined. There had been people behind me and in my imagination they were all judging me. I left the store and cried from having to deal with that kind of anxiety. 

People know me for being quiet. The reason I'm so quiet is because I'm so terrified people will laugh at what I say or judge me. I struggle with the way people see me and always believe others will think the worst of me. 

I feel intense guilt and shame over the smallest things. Once I let out a loud laugh that made other's laugh. That sound I made echoed in my head over and over again, and my chest ached.

I always want hugs, but am too afraid to initiate them. 

I remember once as I child I overheard my mom telling her friends about something funny I did. I know my mom didn't mean anything by it, and if it were to happen now I would probably be able to handle it better, but as a child, hearing people laugh at something I had done, I gained a fear of being made fun of (a part of social anxiety). I was so quiet as a child because I was terrified of being laughed at. 

I'm terrified of what people think of me, to the extent that I will keep my coat on all day if I'm feeling a little overweight and my distorted mind believes other people will look on and judge. 

I've always loved children and loved playing with children, but when the parents are around I get anxious that they'll judge the way I crawl on the floor with their kids and I become silent and still. 

I am my own worst enemy. I self-sabotage myself in so many situations, simply believing that I can't accomplish something because no one will like me. 

I'm fine with one-on-one conversations, but one add just one more person I begin to struggle. The problem is not knowing when, or how to speak up. I don't want to inconvenience anyone or interrupt them. Even if we're all the best of friends, if there's not a clear gap, I will rarely speak up. 

When I'm in a crowd, there's a dull ache in my chest and a struggle to breathe. Typically if I'm with people I know I do better, but if I'm alone in a crowd I am terrified of touching or interrupting anyone, that I will try to avoid being near anyone all together. 

I stay alone in my apartment frequently. The act of choosing to go out and be around strangers is a struggle. 

I've gotten a lot better at keeping eye contact, but in conversations I'm often fumbling with something in my hands or my eyes dart around the room. It's unnerving having someone look me in the eyes, it feels too vulnerable. 

I hate making phone calls, talking on the phone, texting people I don't know. Phones are one of my enemies. 

People laughing near me, even if I know they aren't laughing at me, makes me feel anxious. 

I am mortified to eat in front of people. What if I spill? What if they don't like what I'm eating? What if I'm chewing too loud? What if my shaky hands become a problem? So many questions go through me, so I often eat alone. (Family and close friends are fine though.) 

I hate to ask for help, terrified they'll think I'm stupid. 

I will often pretend I didn't know something before if someone is telling me a fact or story, because I never want to come across as a know-it-all. I just nod along and give input. Sometimes even someone will ask me a question and I pretend not to know the answer, afraid they will think I think I'm better than they are.

I plan out many conversation in my head beforehand. I do not like being put on the spot. If I ever have to give a speech or lesson I write out everything I plan to say and rarely improvise. 

I feel embarrassed almost all the time. 

While black is my favorite color, part of me knows that one of the reasons I mainly wear black and grey are because I know they won't bring any attention to me. Wearing black all the time can make you invisible sometimes, and while sometimes I hate feeling invisible it's better than being the center of attention. 

I will often wait for others to make a move before I do. I will hold onto garbage until I see someone else throw theirs away, taking it as a signal that it's okay. 

Along with a fear of walking in late, I'm terrified of leaving early. People staring at me, noticing my actions give me an anxiety attack. 

My anxiety is often feeling like I'm suffocating. My whole body shakes, my palms getting sweaty, my chest hurts, my heart is pounding, my stomach feels nauseous, my vision is sometimes blurry and unfocused, and millions of self-defeating thoughts race through my mind. After an anxiety attack my body is hit with complete exhaustion. 

But....

Knowing all of these things makes it better. 

I can prepare, I can be ready, I can find solutions, I can get feeling better faster. 

I'm not just shy.

I have social anxiety.

And I wish I had learned that sooner,

So I could have dealt with it earlier.

Not everyday is bad.

It's a process. 

But I'm grateful for the knowledge I have,

Because I know there's nothing wrong with me.

This is something I have, but it's not who I am.