32 Weeks Pregnant | Little Life Stories

I've had your fairly standard pregnancy thus far. You know, get pregnant while living with your parents (awkward), move into a beautiful (albeit at the top of your price range) apartment, are fantastically sick, learn the reason you're so sick is because you're actually pregnant with twins, realize the beautiful third floor apartment you now live in is impractical for both pregnancy and having two babies (so... many... stairs...), your car breaks and you have to purchase a new one (which is a great car, but now you have more monthly bills), impress everyone with the way your morning sickness vanished and you're suddenly doing just fine, surprise everyone with how well babies are doing and how your belly isn't as big as the moon (though your feet begin to swell to the size of the moon), and are still able to participate in summer family vacations and get around just fine.

You know, standard pregnancy.

Until 31 weeks hits you like a ton of bricks and you're suddenly faced with your belly aching because your girls don't have enough room, feeling like your ribs are broken, waking up twice a night to pee and struggling to get out of the bed, barely being able to breathe, feet bigger than King Kong's and hurt with each step, back pain, pelvic pain, stressing over all the things you have to do and/or buy before babies arrive, doctors appointments twice a week taking up your time, and just living with general discomfort and pain.

You know, standard pregnancy.

Today I am 32 weeks pregnant, went to my doctors for one of my twice a week non-stress tests, and told my doctor that I was done. With work. See, I've been working full-time up until this point and while I enjoy my job, and am good at my job, being in the office 40 hours a week is beyond exhausting. I'm up and down out of my seat all day, don't have time to put my giant feet up, and when I get home am too tired to tackle the long list of things I need to do (partially just from all the stairs I have to climb to get home after work).

I can't clean my home after 8 hours of work, which leaves cleaning for the weekend, but my weekends are often too busy with baby or bridal showers, vacations, and other tasks that need to be done. I haven't had a full weekend at home in probably a month, and my apartment shows it.

Chris does so much to help out and typically he's the one doing the cleaning. But that's not always fair. Yes, I'm pregnant, but I'm ridiculously stubborn and hate having people do things for me. I hate admitting I may need help and having Chris do all the work around the house makes me feel like a bad wife and a lazy human being.

And let's not even get into what'll happen after babies come and I will be leaving my job, leaving Chris to be the sole money maker in the home (unless this blog finally starts making me money at some point). I've always been someone who wants to work. Being a mom is a job, but transitioning out of full-time employment in an office to full-time mom duties will definitely be a change for me. But in having twins, it would not be possible for me to continue my job. Trust me, I've looked at it from every angle, this is the best solution for me and my girls.

Anyways, today I got my doctor to write a note saying I can only work 20 hours a week up until my official maternity leave, which is only five weeks away. My boss was super accommodating, he understands my situation and wants what is best for me and my babies (which, reading through pregnancy forums, is actually a rare thing, I'm pretty lucky I work where I do).

Switching to part-time is a huge weight off my shoulders, despite the financial strain this causes. But I believe that things will work out. I've been looking for part-time online positions I can do from home for some extra cash and have been researching on how I can make money through this blog (because over 5 years and not a single cent is pretty sad). But also, from experience, I can say that I blog a lot more when I'm not working. Like today. I'm actually posting something because I didn't have to work. Therefore, working part-time and when babies come, I'm sure I'll have a lot more blog posts for you guys.

This post was mostly me complaining/venting, which John Tesh told me I shouldn't be doing. But I hope you'll forgive me this one time and I'll work on less complaining on this blog in the future.

In summary, being pregnant isn't my favorite and hasn't been easy on me. I'm beyond thrilled for my girls to arrive and to be a mom. They have stayed very healthy through this whole pregnancy and I couldn't be happier about that, but me, personally, I'm falling apart at this point. But I have five weeks left until I'm being induced and I want them to stay in until them to give them the best chance at a healthy delivery and life.

Well, if you've made it to the end of this post, congratulations! Here's your reward: a couple of photos from an impromptu, unofficial maternity shoot from one of my favorite photographers, and my friend, Mariah.

BTW, that dress is too short now because of how big my belly has gotten and these were taken a month ago. I'm growing like crazy! Good for babies, not so good for me personally.

Also, please check out more of Mariah's photos on her Instagram page by CLICKING HERE. She did my sister's engagement photos and they were so gorgeous and she's a Farnes family friend so she's done a lot for us. If you live in Utah, particularly Davis County, check her out. She's amazing.

Lastly, up until recently, this dress has been my go-to for a comfy, cute outfit. Here are some similar dresses, all $50 or less, that I would have also loved.

Just A Photo

One Year | A Letter To My Miscarried Child

Dear Lil Pumpkin,

Today would be your first birthday. When your dad and I discussed that the other day we were both amazed. We couldn't picture ourselves as parents to a one-year-old.

It's amazing what I year can do. A year ago I was still suffering, still crying on a daily basis from losing you, lost to my religion, lost to any direction in my life, and broken, seemingly beyond any repair.

Now a year later, I hardly ever cry, despite thinking of you on a daily basis, I'm stronger in my religion than I have been in years, I have a new job, new life goals, and I am pregnant with your younger sibling.

At thirteen weeks I am still terrified of what might happen. I was fifteen weeks when I found out I had lost you. Your Aunt was much further along when she lost your cousin Jamison. I don't see pregnancy as a guarantee and I'm constantly worried about what might happen.

I don't believe I could survive another miscarriage. Not now at least. I was meant to have a one-year-old by now, but I don't. I was meant to be a mother for a year now, but I'm not. And I still have to wait until October to become one.

I have so many fears with this pregnancy. What if I lose this one too? What do I say when people ask if this is my first? Do I talk about you? What if I begin to forget about you? Will this child be healthy? Will they survive? How could I possibly cope with losing another child?

I hope to never, not even for a day, forget about you. You are my first child, my angel child. I had prayed and waited a year for you. I prayed daily that you would be healthy and safe, and came to terms with the fact that you would be safer and healthier if you never came to earth.

Not a day has passed since you left that I haven't thought about you. Every holiday over the past year I thought about how different our celebrations would have been with you there. I miss you and I hope you know I could never replace you, but I need a child. One I can hold and care for.

I'll always love you. I'm grateful for the time I had with you. And I'm grateful that I get another opportunity to become a mother on earth.

Watch over all your siblings until it's their time to come. I know you're a great big sibling.

Love,

Your Mother

Not A Mother

I haven't blogged in a while, and coming this Saturday I hope you understand why. Life is so unexpected as it constantly just takes us for a wild ride. We never know what's going to happen, what to expect, and how to react.

Things are difficult. Things always seem to be difficult for me, but this week especially. Because this was the week I was supposed to become a mother. My baby was due this Saturday. And I don't see how I could possibly just sit back and watch this week roll by without thinking of it.

I was supposed to become a mother, but I'm not, and I don't know when I will be. How long will it take till I know again? Weeks? Months? Years? And even if I do get pregnant again, will I lose that one too?

I'm so sick of unanswered questions. I'm so sick of life not feeling fair. I'm so sick of hurting and crying and not being happy. I'm so sick of being stuck surrounded by people who don't understand. I'm so sick of waiting to become a mother.

I'm not a mother and I want to be and none of this seems fair.

Pregnancy Diary: Week 12 - Blogtober Day 15

STATS:

• Date: September 30th, 2015
• Size of Baby: Clementine (2.1 inches)
• Belly Bump: It's starting!!
• Symptoms:
• Morning Sickness: Yes
• Nausea: Yes
• Fatigue: Yes
• Cravings: Still not majorly
• Other: I want to not throw up anymore...

STORIES:

So I need to fill you in on a lot. Since my last diary post I've been to the doctor. So I got pictures of my little one and got to hear the heartbeat. It was such a cool experience. Chris was very close to the monitor just staring at our baby, and after he just kept staring at the pictures. It was adorable. 

We also announced our pregnancy to the families. It all turned out so well. We were down in Salt Lake area for the Utah State vs. Utah game, mostly to see my brother Nick playing in the U marching band and we knew we had that night to tell my family and the next morning to tell Chris's. So we bought cupcakes that had these rings on them with stickers of Jake and the Neverland Pirates, so we blacked out the stickers and put our own of baby stuff. 

I was a little upset because I found out a few days before that my dad was in Texas, so I didn't think he would be there and we would just have to call him and tell him the next day, but lucky for us his plane got back a few hours before we got to the house. It was perfect. 

So my whole family was gathered in the kitchen and I pull out this box. And they're asking me what's inside and I'm just like "It's only cupcakes." but I'm so anxiously excited that my always shaky hands were even more shaky so it's difficult to pull the lid off. When I finally do, Nick is the first to see the stickers, and he doesn't process it. So I turn it so my mom could see, since she knew we were trying and I knew she would understand, and of course my mom reacted perfectly. 

My whole family was so excited for us and Nick kept calling my parents grandparents and it was a wonderful night. 

The next morning we drove to my in-laws. We didn't have a ton of time since Chris had work that afternoon, but we made an effort to get there to see them. Lucky for us, on a Saturday morning, they were mostly all there. Devin was vacationing in Mexico so we already knew we'd have to tell him later, and Aubrey was at work but on her way back. 

Chris was too excited to wait for Aubrey and set down their box of cupcakes. He wouldn't open it so they all thought it was some prank and that something would jump out of the box, which was nice since they weren't expected the real surprise. When they got it open, this time we included one of the ultrasound pictures so it would be easier to understand right away and it worked. His family was just as excited and happy for us. 

When Aubrey did get home, Sheldon showed her the cupcakes and she had probably the best reaction of them all. She screamed and ran to hug me and she made it so much more exciting. 

After all that Chris started telling everyone he sees. I've still been pretty reserved with who I tell, but we're planning our big public announcement next week. 

On to the not so fun stuff... 

I'm now on medication to help with my morning sickness. I had a week where I missed two days of work for just feeling miserable and throwing up and being sick, so since I was already told I couldn't miss anymore days of works I had to get doctor's notes and asked my doctor if I could get some medication to help. For the most part I'd say it's helping, however as I'm typing this I am also staying home sick from work. 

I'm really annoyed because I'm not the type of person to ever call in sick if I'm not really sick. I once tried to work my janitor job when I had a cold and a fever but my boss sent me home and made me stay home the rest of the week even though I wanted to work. And now, I'm throwing up so I'm sure they don't want me working, but I'm risking my job because I'm not allowed any more days off this year. Also, my boss is new. She started just after I got pregnant. So I could be imagining it, but even though she knows I'm pregnant I feel like she thinks I'm faking or just trying to get out of work. But that's so not true and it makes me sad someone might think that. That's not me. 

Baby Farnes is doing good. I'm sick a lot. But learned today's sickness was a stomach flu that's been going around my work. I feel like I don't eat nearly as much as I should, nor do I drink as much water as I should, so I need to work on that. 

Pregnancy Diary: Week 8 - Blogtober Day 14

STATS:

• Date: Saturday August 29th, 2015
• Size of baby: Jelly bean (0.6 inches)
• Baby bump: None
• Symptoms:
• Morning sickness: A little
• Nausea: Heck yes, all the time
• Fatigue: Normal for me, but yes
• Cravings: Not really, nothing sounds good
• Other: Smells are just the worst

STORIES:

(Note: As shown by the date above, this post was written weeks previously, so some of these things may be outdated.)

So this week my incredible husband Chris said the greatest thing ever, and I quote:

"You eat whatever you want! You're pregnant, you'll have cravings, if you want something I'll get it for you." 

He totally said that, and now it's written down so I'm holding him to it. It was in the midst of a conversation about how he's sick of eating junk food and not working out. He wants to get fit again. Which honestly, he has a bit of a belly but other than that he's a well toned healthy guy. Yes, when I met him he was super skinny, but I like the way he looks. I think it's just pressure from his brothers who tease him all the time, which is sad.

Last Saturday was my work Lagoon day and I was so annoyed I couldn't go on anything!! I love roller coasters and love spinning rides and to be at Lagoon and not be able to do anything kind of sucked. But Chris was again amazing and he didn't go on anything without me and we were still able to have a lot of fun.

I can't even begin to explain how amazing Chris has been during all this.

Last Sunday I threw up in a gutter which was not my most shining moment. It was the first throwing up incident of my pregnancy and still my only one, which has been nice. But I am nauseous all the time and at work run to the bathroom a few times a day thinking I'm going to throw up, but I never do.

I had taken a few really bad days off of work. Monday I felt exactly the same as I had the day before so I stayed home and took care of myself, and even got a priesthood blessing (more on that later). And when I went back to work Tuesday my boss, who knows of my pregnancy, informed me I'm all out of days off for the year. So basically unless I get a doctors note I'm at risk of getting fired if I miss again. Although, I once saw a Lindsay Lohan movie where she pretends to be pregnant so she can't get fired. Is that a real thing? Can they really not fire pregnant women?

Anyways, I'm not actually too concerned about it though because in talking on the phone to my doctor I've been able to handle my nausea better with B12 vitamins and regular snacking. And my boss knows what's happening and knows I'm trying, she also knows I'm good at my job, and I'm pretty sure I could easily fight back for getting in trouble for being sick. But my boss authorized a temporary change in my work schedule so I now work a 9-6 since mornings are the worst and if I wasn't absent, I was usually a little later. I don't start this new schedule till next week but knowing how things have been I think this will help.

Work does suck though. I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm pregnant because of my missed days and my nausea, which makes me a little upset because our parents don't even know yet and they should be first! A few people have asked me about if I am pregnant and I've become good at lying. One in particular, Kim, was really excited thinking I was pregnant and when I said I wasn't she told me to get pregnant because she's baby hungry and wants one around. I love Kim and it made me laugh.

A huge thank you to Chris and our home teacher for giving me a priesthood blessing on Monday. I've been praying a lot for help through all of this, and I know He's been helping, but I truly feel the blessing really helped. I know I can trust in the gospel and I really have been depending on it lately.

I've been thinking up ways to announce our pregnancy and we have a few good ones. I have my first doctors appointment September 10th and we're announcing that weekend to our families. I will document it on here but our current idea is like a box of donuts or something that says we're pregnant. I wanted to do little gifts for everyone but that's too obvious since it's just a random day in September (well not entirely random, it's 9/11, but that's not exactly a gift-giving day). But we're still looking at ideas. We want it to be good since it'll be the first grandchild for both our families, so it has to be a big surprise that doesn't give it away too soon, but also sentimental.

So many times I've wanted to call my mom and tell her. Yes, I want her to be a part of the big surprise, but she's been through this before and when I'm feeling sick and crying because I don't know what to do, it's my mom I most want to talk to. So here's a public note to my mom: You're the one I want to tell most because I want your help and advice. The only reason I'm not is because I know how much you've been wanting this for me and I want to be with you and see your reaction when I tell you the news. I love you, I wish I could tell you, and I hope you forgive me for waiting so long to tell you.

Pregnancy Diary: Week 6 - Blogtober Day 12

STATS:

• Date: Monday August 10th, 2015
• Size of baby: Chocolate chip (0.3 inches)
• Baby bump: None
• Symptoms:
• Morning sickness: None
• Nausea:Yes
• Fatigue: Always
• Cravings: Nope
• Other: Cramps occasionally, sore breasts

STORIES: 

(Note: As shown by the date above, this post was written weeks previously, so some of these things may be outdated.)

It's weird to have someone say you're six weeks pregnant when you only found out a week earlier. Six weeks isn't a lot of time in the whole scheme of things, but it's over a month. I've been pregnant over a month and didn't even know it! Do you know what I've done in the past month? I went on a long alpine slide, ropes courses, zipline-ing, white water rafting, hiking, swam across a lake, bike riding. Was I really pregnant for all of that? Maybe not, but still! 

Something I didn't know was that the doctors don't schedule you in until 10 weeks. I just assumed as soon as you're pregnant they invite you in to check on your health, let you see the baby, etc. Nope. I have to wait. Till September 10th. That's a whole month away!! Can I seriously wait that long to even see my baby? Chris and I are considering using the USU coupons for a free pregnancy test at those planned parenthood type places so we have a more doctor approved confirmation of our pregnancy. An at-home pregnancy test and missed period are all we're basing this off of.

According to my app (which I'll write a review on later) and my doctor's call, my due date is April 3rd, but this could change when they actually date the fetus but we can count on April, which is exciting. 

It's overwhelming how little I know about pregnancy and it's so tempting to tell my mom and ask her questions. She's gone through this and I know she'd give me excellent advice, but I want the reveal to our families to be special, so I'm holding back as much as I can. 

It's kind of thrilling have a secret only Chris and I know. Both of us are so excited and want to tell the world. Honestly calling the doctors and telling the lady on the phone I was pregnant was such an exciting moment for me and it was so great to hear a "congratulations" back. I want to tell everyone and writing this diary is kind of adding to that thrill, even if you won't see it for a while. 

I wish you could see this though and have the ability to ask me questions. What do you want to know? What do you not know about pregnancy (like I probably don't) that you want me to help you understand? While you won't see this for a while, please leave comments below with your questions because I want to help, I want to inform others, and I want you to get the answers you need. So don't forget to ask me your questions and I'll do my best to answer them. 

Thoughts on Being Pregnant - Blogtober Day 11

Sorry today's post is late, but here are my original thoughts right after learning I was pregnant. As I warned you, most of this week will be stuff like this that I wrote in the past and was waiting for the right time to post. I hope you enjoy it!

__________________________________________________________________________

It is currently August 5th, 2015, but this won't be posted on the blog for a while. Yesterday I took a test that I had been waiting for, looking forward to, for a very long time. And I passed. And my life immediately changed.

I'm pregnant.

I've honestly been looking forward to being a mom for a very very long time. But life throws you curves. I wanted to finish college first, but I left college. I wanted Chris to have graduated, but that's still a little less than a year away. I wanted more of my loan debt to be paid off. I wanted to be more financially stable. I wanted to be living outside of Cache Valley.

But more than all those wants, I want to be a mother. And even if none of that other stuff has happened, I get my number one goal.

I'm terrified in many ways. There's a lot I'll have to learn, certain aspects about pregnancy are scary, I can't currently comprehend how will we finance having a child, and the list goes on and on. It's scary, but I've never been happier in my life.

I wanted to write down these quick thoughts. To remember how I was feeling after finding out. More than anything I feel like life should have stopped. Come on life, give me a minute to take in this news and react!!! Right after taking the test I went to tell Chris. He gave me a hug and told me how excited he was, we've both been looking forward to this for a long time. But then I had to get ready for work, spent a full day at work, then went to a Young Women's activity until 10:30 at night. I didn't have time to react!!

Even now, sitting on my couch, watching Insurgent, I still don't know if this has fully hit me left. It was just an at home pregnancy test. I still need to see a doctor, make sure everything's alright, and then maybe things will feel real. But right now, as excited as I am, I don't think it's fully hit me yet.

I haven't had time to make a plan, figure out all I need to do, but at least I know I have some time. Things are changing already, but I know that I can rely on Chris, our families, and my Father in Heaven to help me get through it all.

I'm so grateful that this is finally happening for us! I stopped taking birth control last September and we've been seriously trying for a while now. We have been so blessed in multiple things in our lives. Our marriage has been a crazy whirlwind sometimes, but I couldn't image a more perfect person to start my eternal family with. I love Chris, and I already love our little fetus.

Yes, I Am Pregnant - Blogtober Day 10

If any of you missed yesterday's post it ended with this:

That's right people, one of the main reasons I have been absent from my blog the past few months is due to the nausea and tiredness of the first trimester of pregnancy... and finding it difficult to want to blog about anything but my pregnancy.

As of today exactly I am 14 weeks and into my second trimester. Which is crazy. I am due April 9th, 2016 and we are beyond excited. Unfortunately for people not interested in pregnancy, almost the entirety of next week will be pregnancy diaries that I have been writing but not posting, going back from the day I found out I was pregnant. So next week is all about pregnancy.

After that my pregnancy diaries will slow down. My plan was to do them weekly but I'm very inconsistent (as I'm sure all my blog readers know) but new diaries will be popping up every now and then throughout my pregnancy.

This has been a long time in the making and something I have been wanting since forever. I cannot fully describe in writing my excitement to have a baby!! You guys... I'M GOING TO BE A MOM!! Do you realize how relateable this will make my blog? Wink wink. Yep, I'm finally moving on up to mother/blogger, what an accomplishment.

For the majority of my friends and extended family this is brand new news. I'm sorry if you are at all insulted we didn't tell you. Personally I didn't want to tell anyone except immediate family until this point, but Chris got too excited and started telling random customers at his work, which led to his coworkers knowing... and then telling everyone he sees... I would have gotten mad, but I know he's just excited and so am I.

I'm so happy everyone gets to know now and I no longer am burdened by this secret. I AM PREGNANT!!!! And I truly could not be happier!!!

Here are more photos from our fashion/pregnancy reveal shoot with my friend Lindsay. Yes, Chris ran into her at Walmart and immediately told her. He's terrible at keeping secrets, but at least it got us a photographer.

We are cheesy and I will never apologize for that. 

We're also very careful with our baby. 

And a little scared to be parents. 

Yep, we are great parents in the making. 

And are sometimes a little dramatic over our love for our little pumpkin. 

Thanks for all the love and support you've already given us! It's a little scary, but with friends and family like you, we know it'll make things a lot smoother. Love you all!!