2018 Theme Song

Hello my lovely friends! I hope you all have had a wonderful holiday season and are as excited for the New Year as I am.

Today I am supposed to talk about my theme song for 2018. As you may know, every year I pick out a theme song for the year. I've been doing this since I graduated high school and it's something that means a lot to me because music is such an important and special influence in my life.

Usually, I have thought about my song choice extensively for months and have the song picked out by November (because the past few years everytime November hits I'm ready for the New Year). This year was the hardest to pick out a song. In fact, I'm not even 100% behind my song choice. I blame the past few months of learning to be a mom and to be unemployed. My life is SO different than it's ever been and I think it's hard to adjust to that. My usual habits and tendencies are hard to go back to considering I'm suddenly a stay-at-home mom of two.

While I did end up choosing a specific song for 2018, I made an entire playlist of songs to help motivate me through the year. I'll go over it below and my reasoning behind them.

Overall, I wanted a song that would motivate me to do something outside my normal comfort zone. If you aren't a regular blog reader of mine, I have depression and social anxiety and can be an all over emotional wreck a lot of the time. I tend to stay in my private little box, too afraid to take risks and go after my dreams for fear of failing. This year I want to get outside that box and change my life.

A few weeks ago I finally was inspired by a song that came on over my Spotify. As I mentioned, I'm not completely obsessed with my theme song as I usually am, but that's why I have a whole playlist.

Anyways, my theme song for 2018 is "I Lived" by One Republic. 

There are so many lyrics in this song that just speak to me, so it's difficult to go over which ones I want for 2018 without quoting the whole song. But I think more than anything, I love the actual title of the song. I LIVED.

When I was seventeen years old I was suicidal and made a few attempts at ending my life. I had no idea as a teenager that my life would end up like this: married to my soulmate with a cute dog and the most adorable baby girls. I don't believe seventeen-year-olds make the smartest decision, but by far the greatest decision of my entire life was to not end it.

I survived my teenage years. I survived college and the struggles I went through there. I survived cutting myself, sexual assault, and a miscarriage and have ended up today in the best place I think my life has ever been in. I survived so much pain and I hope to continue to fight through every struggle that is thrown at me.

However, no matter how grateful I am for my life so far, I feel as if I've merely been surviving each day. I want to live each day. I want to wake up every morning with an excitement for each day and the possibilities it could bring. I want to end this year quoting the song: "I owned every second that this world could give."

I want to plan adventures for not just myself, but for my husband and my daughters. I want us to make memories to last a lifetime. But I think more than anything, I want to build an excitement for life in my daughters that I never had. I know they're young, they won't remember this year, but I want to get into the habit of giving my children opportunities and excitement.

2018 is about living life to the fullest and I'm excited for this year and creating the best year ever.

Now real fast I'm going to go over my playlist. I subtitled this as my "Power Playlist" because it's all songs that motivate me to get up and do something. These are great workout song, hype songs, and dancing song. This playlist is great for so many things and I am already so obsessed with listening to it all the time. I'm sure I'll continue to add new songs throughout the year because this is my "Power Playlist" and if I find a new song that empowers me, it belongs.

Quick note, the first part is all females because originally that's what I wanted: female empowerment. But honestly, no power playlist is complete without "Butterflies and Hurricanes" by Muse, so I broke the original rules, but I'm so happy with this playlist I wouldn't have it any other way.

Do you pick out a theme song for the year? Let me know yours in the comments below!! 

Why I, As A Mormon, Chose to Get a Tattoo

 

No one can ever call me a perfect Mormon and I'm not even that close to the top. I've made so many mistakes. I've allowed myself to fade away multiple times. I've never actually completed reading the Book of Mormon all the way through. I always forget to pray. And my testimony of the gospel is not the strongest.

That being said, I've never completely fallen away either. I was lucky to have an experience at the age of 17 that ensured that I could never deny God or leave the church for good. I believe the God, I believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the truest gospel on the earth today, and I love the teachings and blessings that I receive when I do attend.

But as someone who suffers from depression on a daily basis, being a member of the church can be incredibly difficult.

My depression is a full blown, daily struggle, daily having to remind myself to be happy. And I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

A month or so before I met my husband, I was at a very difficult point in my life. And in a moment of weakness and loss of control, I took my hair straightener and pressed it against my left arm, leaving burns.

This wasn't my first instance of self-harm, and it wasn't the last either. Only the largest and most significant. In high school I spent nights with tweezers, picking at my legs until they bled. In college, I used my razor on my wrists. And after getting married, I used my own fingernails to scratch at my arms till they were raw and almost bleeding.

Growing up LDS, I was always taught my body is a temple. We are meant to love and protect our bodies the way we would the temple. But the distortion that depression causes, has never allowed me to fully grasp this concept.

For me, my body, my skin, is the thing that holds in all the darkness, the depression. When I cut myself, it was because I needed to feel real pain, to see an actual wound, to be able to put a band-aid over it and know that it would heal. Depression, the darkness inside of me, doesn't heal. I can't put a band-aid on it, I can't control it, I can't stop it when it comes.

There are ways to ease my depression, but it's still invisible. Treating an invisible wound isn't the same as one you can see. At my weakest points, I needed a visible wound to help me feel like I was in control again. If I couldn't see the pain I was feeling, I would make pain I could see.

A few years ago I found a song by my idol, Demi Lovato. The song is called "Warrior" and the moment I heard it, it changed my life.

This is a story that I have never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro

All the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised

Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know

Cause all the pain and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I'm not broken or bruised

'Cause now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me

There's a part of me I can't get back
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once, I'll never be the same
Now I'm taking back my life today
Nothing left that you can say
Cause you are never gonna take the blame anyway

Now I'm a warrior
I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior
I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior
And you can never hurt me again

No oh, yeah, yeah

You can never hurt me again

I cannot express how much this song speaks to me. It sometimes feels as if this song was written about me, for me.

I've talked in the past about being a warrior. One year ago I shared a post called "Become A Warrior" in which I shared how I would write the word "Warrior" on my wrist to remind myself to be strong. And when I got the urge to claw at my arms, I would see the word on my arm and remember that I am a warrior, I am a fighter, and my depression "can never hurt me again."

On November 4th, 2015, I had my miscarriage and lost my first child. And throughout 2016, my depression had been worse than ever before in my life. The song "Warrior" was the only thing that kept me from injuring myself. I was consistently writing the word on my wrist as a reminder that I could survive. Somehow, I would survive the pain.

As a person, as a Child of God, I am in a war against Satan. Because of my depression, he has a strong grip on my life. I have to be a fighter to make it through the hell I am put through. I have to work hard on a daily basis to break the hold Satan has on my life, my actions, and my emotions.

"Warrior" helps me in the war against Satan. It helps me to not injure myself. It helps in the moments I want my life to end. It helps when my social anxiety appears. It helps me to be confident. It helps me to stay strong, be positive, and look for the light when my head is so full of darkness.

On November 4th, 2016, I got a tattoo of the word "Warrior" on my left wrist so I would never be without the support and strength that word gives me.

In my religion we are told not to get tattoos, to protect our temple. For me, getting this tattoo was one of the best ways for me to help protect my body and temple. And while I not supporting breaking the commandments the prophets have given us, I believe that for me, in my life, in my situation, getting this tattoo was important.

The night I got my tattoo, I said a prayer to my Father in Heaven. I apologized for breaking the rule and explain why I believed I needed it. And for a brief moment, I felt peace that He understood. I'm not saying that my decision was right or wrong, but I made the decision and I fully accept anything that comes of it, good or bad.

I have never once felt guilty or ashamed of getting my tattoo. I am proud to show my tattoo. I am happy to tell people why I got it. And while I know that many other members of the church will never understand, I still believe it was the right decision for me and I am not going to let them bring me down.

I cannot say that having this tattoo has made my depression go away. It's not magic, I know that will never happen. But there have been moments where the darkness takes over, I begin to lose control, and I see the word and make a change.

I still hurt, I still make mistakes, I still find myself in pain, but I am now constantly reminded that I am a warrior. Even if I lose a battle, I can still win the war. I can still triumph over Satan and his clutches. I can still find happiness even when I feel all hope is lost.

My life is not over. I can be successful. I can be the person that I want to be. 

Because as a warrior, I will NEVER stop fighting. 

Songs About Me 2016

Hello friends. This is going to be a slightly depressing post, just giving you a heads up. Okay, great, enjoy!

For the past month, I'm just done with 2016. This has by far been the worst year of my life and I just want it to end. Yes, my miscarriage happened in 2015, and that was the worst thing that's ever happened to me, but the aftermath of that miscarriage took over the majority of 2016. I am so over 2016. Just be done already!!

Anyways....

A few weeks ago I made a giant list of all my goals and resolutions for 2017 because I'm ready for a new year and a fresh start. (Oh my gosh, just be 2017 already!!!!) I will most likely share all those goals when 2017 gets closer and I've weeded through them and have the specific New Years Resolutions to share (I currently have two pages of goals so they can't all be New Year's Resolutions).

But to finish up this year (because I'm so willing to skip to the end, yes, that includes skipping over Christmas, just let 2016 end, please, please please, I am begging) I made a playlist of 10 songs that describe my 2016!

I want this to be an annual thing. For me to make playlists of songs that have influenced and/or describe the way my year went. Therefore, since I'm quoting this as the worst year of my life, you can bet they are not all happy songs for this year.

I have reasons for each song so I want to go over why each one was chosen. These were all chosen very carefully and I want to share my reasoning with you. So just press play on the Spotify playlist below, enjoy some amazing songs and read about each one.

I'll go in order of the playlist, even though it's a weird, not very thought out order. Okay? Great.

Unsteady - X Ambassadors

I'm a huge fan of this song. My mom thinks it's too repetitive, my husband doesn't like his voice, but I'm obsessed. I could not have made it through this year with the amazing people (and pet) I have in my life. But besides Zoram, my biggest rock through this year was Chris. I was "unsteady" in so many ways this year, but Chris helped me stand up tall and make it through. I needed him and I love his support more than he may ever understand. I love my soulmate.

Sit Still, Look Pretty - Daya

This song isn't depressing! Lately, girl-power type songs are my favorite. I have a ton on my phone that I just listen to randomly when I need to be uplifted and find a little confidence. While this is definitely a newer addition to my girl-power list, there's just a few of the lyrics that always stick out to me when I hear this song on the radio.

"Oh, I don't know what you've been told but this gal right here's gonna rule the world"

 I don't want to be what people want me to be. I have goals for myself and I'm going to make them happen. I am going to be a book author. Heroes & Villains is going to prove that I'm a writer and I truly believe that it can be big (considering it will never end). I will find the success and happiness I want without working in a job people want or expect me to. I believe that I can rule my own world and I'm not going to let someone tell me how to do it.

Stressed Out - Twenty-One Pilots

Oh goodness, the words in this song speak to me.

"Used to dream of outer space but now they're laughing in our face saying 'Wake up you need to make money.'"

I'm probably contradicting myself, but while I want to be a writer, this year was so overwhelming feeling like I couldn't do it because I needed to work a real job. Being a grown up sucks. And being a child and not having to deal with all the stress just sounds so appealing, but impossible to attain again. I was constantly stressed this year. This song was my life this year... stressed out.

The Weight Of Living II - Bastille

Oh, Bastille. How I love you so very, very, truly, totally, absolutely, wholly, and completely. I have been obsessing over this album this year and listen to it constantly. I love every track on the album and have learned almost all the words. But lately the words to this song have stuck out to me a lot:

"Do you like the person you've become?"

 Short and sweet, this question has echoed in my mind for a while now. I have asked myself this question quite a bit lately and when I begin to think my answer is "no" I think of ways to change myself and change my answer. I'm greatly considering making this my theme song of 2017, so I might get back to this at a later date...

All Will Be Well - Gabe Dixon

(Every time I listen to this song I ask Chris "Bonus points if you can name what show this is on!" He always forgets. But they answer is Parks & Recreation when Andy and April are driving to the Grand Canyon. Now you know and can get bonus points.)

I think about the title of this song a lot. "All will be well." The lyrics to this song are absolutely incredible because it's not saying that life if perfect and everything will always be amazing all the time. It's saying that times can be hard, people make mistakes, you have to work to find what you want in life, and you don't know how you'll get there, but you have to just believe that over time things will turn out for the best.

I have an obsession with this song and could probably pull out my English major skills and write a whole essay on it. I think anyone who is like me and suffers from depression should listen to this song and really think through the words. All will be well.

Don't Panic - Coldplay

Similar to "All will be well" the phrase "We live in a beautiful world" has crossed my mind a lot throughout this year. Despite how much I just raved about Bastille, Coldplay is, in all reality, my favorite band. They have music and lyrics that speak to me in a way no other artist has been able to do.

This song is short and sweet and every time I'm outside, looking at the world I live in, I think the worlds "We live in a beautiful world." It's comforting to me in a way that I'm not sure I can explain. Perhaps it's that despite all the horribleness of this year, I've seen some pretty amazing and beautiful things and it's humbling to be surrounded by such beauty.

Tomorrow Never Comes - Zac Brown Band

Hey, it's my theme song for the year! That's right, I never forgot about it through the year. I still think about and listen to this song a lot. Its message is very strong and clear. We don't know what's going to come, so we have to live now. I'm not going to go into much more depth on this. You can read why I picked it as my theme song by CLICKING HERE.

Butterflies and Hurricanes - Muse

This was my theme song for 2015! Can we talk about how incredible Muse is? And how I never noticed just how incredible until this year? I am loving Muse so much. Okay, great discussion, thanks.

You can read why I picked it as my 2015 theme song by CLICKING HERE, but I do have a few things to say as well.

First of all, the title. No two words describe my year better. Butterflies, like butterflies in my stomach. Nervousness, anxiousness, and a jittery uneasiness has plagued this entire year. And hurricanes, a destructive force in a wave crashing over my life. I'm a little dramatic sometimes. It comes with being a writer (and it being the middle of the night and not having gotten a good night's sleep in over a week).

So yes, the title alone describe my year wonderfully, but we cannot ever forget the words to this song. It's so empowering to me. If I ever need a pick me up, I listen to this song.

 "You've got to change the world and use this chance to be heard." 

Ah! Love those words so very much. I have done my best to use my depression, anxiety, and miscarriage to help others. Recently I was able to speak with someone who helped me realize that the things I say on here really do help some people. While these are the things that are hardest to talk about, they need to be heard. We can't pretend they don't exist. And it's my chance to be heard, and change the world.

Warrior - Demi Lovato

I have talked about this song a lot on this blog. Too many times to know where to look for links. This is the song that got me through this year. This is the song that gets me through my depression. This is the song that gives me strength to keep going when I feel like giving up.

After my miscarriage, and even sometimes before, I wrote the word "Warrior" on my wrist so I could look down at it and feel stronger. It sat above my scars and kept me from cutting or injuring myself again. It helped protect me when I felt my weakest. This song, this word, has helped save me countless times.

For my 26th birthday this year I got the word officially tattooed on my wrist. I want to write up a full post on it because there is some controversy in my decision, given my religious beliefs, but just know, that this was not impulsive, it was fully thought through, and I believe it was one of the best decisions I've made for myself in a long time.

We All Need Saving - Jon McLaughlin

Ah, my love, Jon McLaughlin. Random tangent, I saw him in concert last Friday and it was just him and his piano and no band and... oh my gosh... I love him so much. I'm sorry Chris. It's a different sort of love, I promise. You're still my soulmate and one true love, Chris.

I think that this song is incredibly important and has been for many years. Because living with depression feels like you're alone. Going through my miscarriage, I was certain no one understood what I was going through and what I was feeling. That's not true, though.

"I don't know why it has to be this way and I don't know the cure, but please believe that someone else has felt this before."

 This sentence has meant different things to me at different times. While my religious beliefs have waivered a lot this year, I have never once doubted in the reality and healing power of The Atonement. We are never alone and we are not the only ones who have felt the way we do. "We all need saving" and we can't be afraid to ask for help when we need it.

No matter what you're feeling, you are not alone and you can ask for help from a friend, family member, God, and always me. Because I believe no one should hide their pain, and when you're hurting, you have to find the courage to ask for help.

____________________________________________________________

Well, that was nice, it ended up a lot less depressing than I thought it would be. We also got a lot of different genres, so that was fun. 

Thanks for bearing with me through this post and the random and completely unedited photos. I promise I will post more about my tattoo soon because I have a lot to say about it. 

Let me know in the comments below what songs describe your year! And please tell me I'm not the only one anxiously waiting for this year to end... Thanks, love you, bye.

This weirdness of this post was brought to you by exhaustion. Get some sleep and don't let it happen to you!

A Brand New Day

Hello friends! The following playlist is a short list of songs that were buzzing through my head while writing this post. So click play and get reading!!

Today is a special day for me, today begins the change from working 40 hours a week to 30 hours a week. Now you're probably wondering "Kaylee, why would you want to work less hours and get paid less money when you're always talking about how poor you are?" Well calm down, I'm getting to it. 

I truly believe that my issues with work began when I found out I was pregnant last August. There were so many thoughts going through my head at that time... Can I even work 40 hours a week while pregnant and sick? Should I continue this job after I have the baby? How will we ever afford this baby? Would I be better off working part-time when the baby comes? Is this even a job I want long-term?

I was feeling conflicted and stressed during my pregnancy, mainly because of my job. Each day it was getting harder and harder to go into work, and it wasn't because of the morning sickness. I no longer felt the same drive for my job or desire to be there. But I kept telling myself, "I'm doing this for my baby, so we can give him/her a good life." 

And then I lost my baby. And I no longer knew why I kept going to work. 

Now I'm not saying I have a bad job. I actually love what I do. I get to listen to my iTunes music and look over bills and solve issues, like puzzles (I love puzzles). The company I work for is great, I'm paid well, they supply me with good health insurance, and the company truly cares for its employees. [And it's always hiring so if you're in Cache Valley and need a job, I can hook you up!]

But even with loving what I do, my desire to go into work kept getting lower and lower through pregnancy, miscarriage, and postpartum depression (which I never knew could happen after a miscarriage, but that's what my therapist diagnosed me with... my miscarriage messed me up a bit you guys...) Every morning I would feel like crying, not wanting to go into work. Once I was there I was fine, but I just could not understand why I spent eight hours of my day there.

Let me go into how it was; I would wake up, drag myself out of bed after a long sleepless night, get myself ready, force Chris to wake up and drive me to work, then I'd sit for hours til Chris picked me up for lunch, go home eat, entertain the puppy for a while, go back to work, sit for hours, then get off work, go home, have no energy or motivation left to do anything, and sit in my bed to write or watch YouTube (but mainly the YouTube thing). 

Having battled depression for years, I decided years ago that I would only do things that make me happy. And I have not been happy for a long time. So I decided to make a change.

I will now only be working 30 hours a week, hopefully allowing myself more time to do things that I want. I want to go to the gym and pursue my dream since high school of teaching a gym class. I want to write in my books more. I want to continue making YouTube videos. I want to blog and make this blog more successful. I want to be able to take my knowledge and experiences with depressing, self-harm, and suicide to talk with other people struggling, to inspire them that things get better, and to be able to make a difference in someone's life.

And while I'll admit, laziness was a factor in not accomplishing those things, I am done spending most my time at a job I'm barely happy with to keep me from doing these things anymore.

Yes, it will be a struggle financially for a while, but my personal health and happiness is more important.

I have stories, personal and fictional, that I want to share with the world and I've made so many excuses on why I've never told them before. But when I go to the root of those reasons, most of them were stemmed from work. I'm not going to make excuses anymore and I'm going to give myself more time in the day to get these things done.

I'm truly blessed and grateful that my husband is very supportive of this decision. His first priority is me, and he has stood by me these past few months as I struggled with so many emotions and tried to figure out the best way to handle all this. He is amazing. I can't begin to think how I could possibly handle all this without him. He's my rock.

I've also been very fortunate to have an understanding family, who loves me and supports me no matter what I do. I love them so much and that they are always looking out for me, and want to best for me.

And a huge thank you to my boss and the company I work for. They've been very accommodating and understanding of my situation. I truly do work for a wonderful company and I'm glad we've been able to come up with a solution that allows me to stay at my job while still giving me more time for myself.

The first song on the playlist above has been stuck in my head for weeks now as I've sorted out this decision:

I'm so happy and excited for this change in my life. I believe it will give me more time to blog and talk with you more, you are all my friends and I love you. I can always count on you to be supportive of me as well, and for that I am truly grateful. 

I'm working on my happiness, and that's always been my priority, and I'm happy to make a change to help me reach it.

Becoming A Warrior

Friends, I'm sure you're all aware that this is a difficult time in my life. There's so much craziness going on that I wish I could just go hide somewhere and get decent amounts of sleep for a week. But life doesn't allow that. Life moves on. Life beats us. Life fights us. And sometimes we have to fight back.

It was eight years ago during this month that I was making suicide attempts. There are times when I'm reminded of everything that I was feeling at that time and I'm amazed that I survived. And there isn't a day that I don't thank God that I did survive it all. I have been so truly blessed in my life and I will always be grateful that I was strong enough not to end it early.

I know how awful life can be. I know what it's like to stare death in the face and want to give in. I know what it's like to give up and feel as if you can't go on any longer.

But I'm here to tell you that you can survive anything this life throws at you.

Because you are a warrior.

Warriors lose battles sometimes. Warriors still get bruised, beaten, and scarred. Warriors struggle some days and thrive other days.Warriors don't always fight alone. Warriors ask for help when they need it. But the most important thing about warriors... WARRIORS NEVER GIVE UP.

Over the past year whenever my depression is getting my down I write the word "Warrior" on my wrist with a heart. Having that word easily seen on my body reminds me that I am strong, that I have already survived so much, and that I can survive anything.

Friends, never give up on life, no matter how badly it's beating you down. You are a warrior. Together we are an army. And we are unstoppable.

To Write Love On Her Arms [February 2016 COTM]

Hello friends! This month's Charity of the Month is incredibly important to me. This past month I've been very open about my mental health. I have depression and social anxiety and I'm doing a lot recently to cope with it, as my recent miscarriage brought a new wave of difficulties with it.

But something from my past that I am always timid to share, but if you read my blog carefully you already know, in high school I attempted suicide. I cut myself. I was, and sometimes still can be, an emotional wreck.

But I believe that I am a warrior, that I've overcome my issues and can face all my new issues without being defeated ever again. And I believe that my past has made me stronger. But most importantly, I believe that there are many others who are like me who don't know how to become warriors, who don't know how to help themselves, and have the potential to lose the battle.

Those are the people I blog for, the people I strive to help. But I can't do it alone, and I'm so grateful for the many organizations that help these people as well.

One particular organization is To Write Love On Her Arms.

Quick disclaimer, I did not learn about this organization until I was already on the healing end, so I didn't not use TWLOHA as a resource to help with my depression. However, I truly wish I had known and had looked over their website to help me.

TWLOHA's mission statement is as follows:

 "To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery."

 By making a donation to TWLOHA this month you are helping people like me with depression and other mental health disorders to find the assistance they need. TWLOHA helps people to find the treatment that they need in order to become warriors and fight through. You would also be helping to break stereotypes and educate the world about mental heath disorders. 

More so than the other charities I promote and support, TWLOHA is incredibly personal and important to me. I truly hope you all take the time to look over their website and learn more about what they do, then make a donation to assist them in their efforts. 

If you yourself are struggling with depression, addiction, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts, please CLICK HERE to be taken to TWLOHA website to find resources and help in your area. You are also always welcome to email me and talk with me. I've been through it too. You aren't alone, and you don't ever have to feel that way.

I was not paid to promote or endorse To Write Love On Her Arms. These are strictly my views.

How Social Anxiety Makes Me Feel

When I was younger I was told I was shy. And I believed it. 

It wasn't until I was older, in college, that I realized it was something more. 

I have social anxiety. 

Social anxiety isn't about just being shy.

It's about having actual panic and anxiety attacks in social situations. 

I wish I had known as a child that I wasn't just shy,

That there was more to what I was feeling.

Because understanding I have social anxiety, has made it so much better. 

It's not cured, but it's better, because I know I'm not just shy. 

It's still a struggle sometimes.

But it's something I face.

And knowing it's more than being shy helps me handle it better.

But this is what I feel on a regular basis... 

If I'm late for work and late for our 9:00 numbers meeting, with the permission of my boss, if I am already late, I don't have to go, because walking into the conference room late, having everyone look at me as I go in makes me feel hot and makes my chest ache. 

The other day I knew I had a meeting at noon, a meeting where I would have to read aloud in front of the group, a small group of no more than six. For the ten minutes leading up to that meeting, my whole body was shaking uncontrollably and I felt freezing cold. Breathing was difficult. So you can imagine the exhaustion I felt when noon came and I was told the meeting was cancelled. 

I walked into a bathroom stall to find there was no toilet paper. Instead of immediately leaving and switching stalls, I stood around waiting till I heard everyone else leave the bathroom, terrified of what people might think to see me leave my stall to enter another. 

When paying for items at a store or restaurant, I have a mini panic attack if it takes me a little while to get out my wallet. It terrifies me to have the cashier waiting on me or have people behind me. 

In one instance, I went to buy items at the store and my card was declined. It took all my energy to stay composed as the cashier kindly pointed out an ATM for me, where my card was also declined. There had been people behind me and in my imagination they were all judging me. I left the store and cried from having to deal with that kind of anxiety. 

People know me for being quiet. The reason I'm so quiet is because I'm so terrified people will laugh at what I say or judge me. I struggle with the way people see me and always believe others will think the worst of me. 

I feel intense guilt and shame over the smallest things. Once I let out a loud laugh that made other's laugh. That sound I made echoed in my head over and over again, and my chest ached.

I always want hugs, but am too afraid to initiate them. 

I remember once as I child I overheard my mom telling her friends about something funny I did. I know my mom didn't mean anything by it, and if it were to happen now I would probably be able to handle it better, but as a child, hearing people laugh at something I had done, I gained a fear of being made fun of (a part of social anxiety). I was so quiet as a child because I was terrified of being laughed at. 

I'm terrified of what people think of me, to the extent that I will keep my coat on all day if I'm feeling a little overweight and my distorted mind believes other people will look on and judge. 

I've always loved children and loved playing with children, but when the parents are around I get anxious that they'll judge the way I crawl on the floor with their kids and I become silent and still. 

I am my own worst enemy. I self-sabotage myself in so many situations, simply believing that I can't accomplish something because no one will like me. 

I'm fine with one-on-one conversations, but one add just one more person I begin to struggle. The problem is not knowing when, or how to speak up. I don't want to inconvenience anyone or interrupt them. Even if we're all the best of friends, if there's not a clear gap, I will rarely speak up. 

When I'm in a crowd, there's a dull ache in my chest and a struggle to breathe. Typically if I'm with people I know I do better, but if I'm alone in a crowd I am terrified of touching or interrupting anyone, that I will try to avoid being near anyone all together. 

I stay alone in my apartment frequently. The act of choosing to go out and be around strangers is a struggle. 

I've gotten a lot better at keeping eye contact, but in conversations I'm often fumbling with something in my hands or my eyes dart around the room. It's unnerving having someone look me in the eyes, it feels too vulnerable. 

I hate making phone calls, talking on the phone, texting people I don't know. Phones are one of my enemies. 

People laughing near me, even if I know they aren't laughing at me, makes me feel anxious. 

I am mortified to eat in front of people. What if I spill? What if they don't like what I'm eating? What if I'm chewing too loud? What if my shaky hands become a problem? So many questions go through me, so I often eat alone. (Family and close friends are fine though.) 

I hate to ask for help, terrified they'll think I'm stupid. 

I will often pretend I didn't know something before if someone is telling me a fact or story, because I never want to come across as a know-it-all. I just nod along and give input. Sometimes even someone will ask me a question and I pretend not to know the answer, afraid they will think I think I'm better than they are.

I plan out many conversation in my head beforehand. I do not like being put on the spot. If I ever have to give a speech or lesson I write out everything I plan to say and rarely improvise. 

I feel embarrassed almost all the time. 

While black is my favorite color, part of me knows that one of the reasons I mainly wear black and grey are because I know they won't bring any attention to me. Wearing black all the time can make you invisible sometimes, and while sometimes I hate feeling invisible it's better than being the center of attention. 

I will often wait for others to make a move before I do. I will hold onto garbage until I see someone else throw theirs away, taking it as a signal that it's okay. 

Along with a fear of walking in late, I'm terrified of leaving early. People staring at me, noticing my actions give me an anxiety attack. 

My anxiety is often feeling like I'm suffocating. My whole body shakes, my palms getting sweaty, my chest hurts, my heart is pounding, my stomach feels nauseous, my vision is sometimes blurry and unfocused, and millions of self-defeating thoughts race through my mind. After an anxiety attack my body is hit with complete exhaustion. 

But....

Knowing all of these things makes it better. 

I can prepare, I can be ready, I can find solutions, I can get feeling better faster. 

I'm not just shy.

I have social anxiety.

And I wish I had learned that sooner,

So I could have dealt with it earlier.

Not everyday is bad.

It's a process. 

But I'm grateful for the knowledge I have,

Because I know there's nothing wrong with me.

This is something I have, but it's not who I am.