I Am Still Living

I am still living. 

I have been suicidal. 

I have cut myself, burned myself, made myself bleed, made myself cry. 

I have hated myself, brought myself down. 

I have lost a child and not been able to have another. 

I have lost my religion and found my way back again. 

I have sabotaged my own happiness. 

I have torn down my self esteem and fought to get it back.

I have driven into the night not knowing if I would return. 

I have starved myself.

I have screamed, cried, and questioned why I feel this way.

I have had darkness take over, consume by body. 

I have given in.

I have let myself break, I have given up. 

I have fought back.

I have lived with depression for as long as I can remember.

I have coped, I have fallen, and done everything in between.

I have prayed.

I have turned to Christ.

I have become a warrior.

I have turned to family and friends.

I have cried in my husband's arms. 

I have hated the world that doesn't seem to understand. 

I have hated myself. 

I have told myself things would be better more times than I can count. 

I have found happiness and lost it again. 

I have been strong and I have been weak. 

I have been emotional. 

I have started a day positive only to fall apart by the end. 

I have given up. 

I have made goals. 

I have become a different person, time and time again. 

I have depression. 

And I am still living. 

❤

There Is No Pain

There is no pain

Like the tears in your eyes

The lump of air in your throat

There is no pain

Like a broken bone

Being idle your only antidote

There is no pain

Like a cut in your skin

Turning cloth red with your blood

There is no pain 

Like the throb in your head

Cured only with too many drugs

There is no pain

Like a miscarriage

The heartbreak of losing your child

There is no pain

Like never meeting them

Never knowing the way that they smiled

There is no pain

Like waiting on end

For something good to come your way

There is no pain 

Like monthly tests

That only end in tearful dismay

There is no pain 

Like fighting a fight

And never knowing when you might win

There is no pain

Like doing your best

But being caught on what might have been

There is no pain

Like smiling in a crowd

Pretending your pain doesn't exist

There is no pain

Like feeling defeated

By a darkness you can't resist

There is no pain

Not physical at least

No pain anyone else can see

There is no pain

Yet everything hurts

And you think this is how it will always be.

Who Do You Think You Are? - Writing Prompt Wednesdays

Hello my friends in the Dancing Cow Herd! As you may know, I am a writer. Now previously I would probably have said "future writer" but I'm trying to be more confident and assertive in what I do. It was all in a speech thing I went to by Kyle Beckerman. As a child he gave himself his number for the World Cup team and would sign his notes with that number. He assumed and believed he would achieve that goal someday and made it real. That's what I'm trying to do. I am a writer.

Anyways, long tangent. In order for me to be a writer, I have to write, obviously. So I decided to give myself writing prompts every Wednesday to work on to give myself practice writing, and I want you to join in as well. These prompts will be posted on this blog as well as my Tumblr page. I think Tumblr will be a great way for you to participate in these as well, but obviously there are dozens of ways we can all do this together.

Here's how I am going to do them. Between blogging, YouTube, and working on writing a best selling novel, my free time can be a little crazy. So here's the formula I am going to use for every writing prompt:

Two minutes of brainstorming followed by ten minutes of writing. Then one minute of polishing up the ending and minor editing.

For me, this will be the best way to get my writing practice in. I'm certain my writing prompts will be interpreted in many different ways, so whether you favor fiction, biographical, or even art, you are welcome to do it however you want... but if you want to do it in an art form that would be the coolest thing ever.

Oh! And I will give shout-outs to my personal favorite interpretations of the writing prompt the following week. So join in and you may receive a shout-out from me!

So without any further ado, let's see what this week's prompt is, followed by my interpretation.

Daisy stared out the window, her mind wandering, distracted by the clear, never-ending blue of the sky. There were hardly any trees or buildings around. Just the sky. 

"Daisy!" His shouting brought her out of her trance and she turned immediately to face him. Thomas stared at her with a strange expression. "Stop getting distracted. I asked you a question." 

"I know." Daisy replied, lowering her head to look towards her hands. Her fingers were wrestling with each other on her lap. "I'm sorry." 

"This is why it isn't working." Thomas sighed. "You're always lost in your own world, far away from here." Daisy glanced back up at him, frowning slightly. Of course she was. Who wouldn't want to be far from this small town where nothing ever happened, where no one ever visited, and no one ever seemed to leave. She wanted to be the first. The first to get out and do something different. 

"You're always distracted." Thomas continued. "It's like you're never satisfied with what you have here." Thomas's eyes dropped. "Like you're not satisfied with us." Daisy stared at him a moment, not speaking, her mind spinning. 

"That's who I am." Daisy replied slowly. "That's who I want to be. I don't want to settle for what's around me. I want adventure. I want to follow my dreams. I want to have to fight for something." 

"That's not what normal people do." Thomas argued. 

"But maybe it's what they should do." Daisy countered. "Don't you want something more from this life? Something better? You can't be one hundred percent completely satisfied with following your father's dream for you, can you? Don't you want to go on an adventure with me?" 

"Daisy..." 

"Who do you think you are?" Daisy asked loudly. Thomas's eyes widened. "And who do you want to be?" Daisy watched Thomas's blank expression slowly turn into a smile. He reached forward and grabbed her hand, pulling her off her chair, out of the building, and into a new adventure.