If you don't like sad, sob stories, you may not like this post, however I suggest you skip down to the end to read a little lesson on friendship, because not everyone understands friendship apparently.
I guess it all started after I graduated high school, which I was so happy to graduate from. I had dealt with horrible depression while in high school (and while growing up) and I was so ready to leave Alta and move on with my life. I went up to Utah State and none of my friends went up there. Being two hours or more away from all my friends was difficult but we kept in touch through texting and social media. That year I got my first group of roommates.
While the end of that year living together resulted in drama, we all got along pretty well in the beginning. It was the perfect transition for me into college life. I had good roommates and I made some new best friends:
I had also gained new friends through my ballroom team. At the end of the school year I was happy, I had had a great first year of college. I spent that summer living with my Aunt and Uncle and keeping my job at the student center.
The next year came soon enough. Kristina (pictured in the middle above) and I decided to live together again. I had another fantastic year, and had some more great roommates:
Halfway through the year we got a new addition to our apartment. And we all quickly became best friends.
A year of living with in close quarters with five other girls ended again with drama. But in the end I still had Kristina and Lindsay, and we decided to live together again the next year.
Halfway through the summer, Kristina bailed on us, finding a new apartment. I was devastated. She was my best friend and I wanted to live with her again so badly, but she somehow knew she couldn't live in that next apartment with us.
So that next year Lindsay and I moved in together and got a new group of roommates:
I had spent the summer previous to the school year living with my parents and getting over a horrible traumatic event that had happened to me. But I was still depressed and dyed my hair black. I felt very much alone even while living with these five beautiful girls and found my depression only getting stronger. I would go on long car rides to try and clear my head at nights and none of my roommates would bat an eye, not even caring that I didn't get home until late. I was an emotional wreck, but my roommates still hung out with me when I was there and we got along really well.
Four of my roommates were soccer players and formed a co-ed intramural soccer team through USU. It was through this soccer team (and mostly Lindsay) that I met...
...Chris, my now husband. My attitude and depression quickly turned around. I don't know how he did it, but Chris was the key that unlocked a new and happier me, I wasn't depressed anymore because I had him. After only a month of dating, we both knew we wanted to marry each other, and we were in such a close relationship.
It's a proven fact that people who gain strong and healthy relationship tend to lose friends. But I never imagined it would turn out the way it did. My roommates ignored me after I started dating Chris. It didn't seem possible, I was living with them! But they went on all these adventures and never invited me, never talked to me, never seemed to care about me. I began to slip back into sadness (not exactly depression, but sadness) and I spent most my time at Chris's apartment to get away from the girls ignoring me.
The worst moment was when all my roommates went on an exciting Spring Break trip, and I hadn't been invited. Then the pictures went up on Facebook with captions like "Best roommates ever!" "I love all my roommates!" but I wasn't in any of the pictures. They had forgotten about me.
I didn't understand why I was being alienated. Two other girls were dating guys they ended up marrying, yet they were so close in the group. Why was I singled out? I never understood it.
I tried so hard to connect with them and I talked to them whenever I was there, but the four (one moved out, but they still seemed to like her more than me) of them were so close, and I was the outsider. I was so upset and I struggled in school, failing many of my classes. I began to hate college.
That summer Lindsay and I were planning on renting an apartment together. One of our new roommates was coming as well. A week before we were supposed to move in Lindsay asked me, "Can I share the room with the other girl, instead?" My heart broke but I agreed. I then had to room with a stranger who seemed to criticize my every move. I again spent the majority of my time at Chris's apartment, because I had to get away.
I made the decision not to go back to school. I was so discouraged by my failing grades and by my lack of friends, I didn't want to stay, I needed a break. So I moved back home for about eight months (this is when I started this blog). While at home I threw myself into working full time and planning my wedding (because Chris proposed!!) and I didn't even notice the fact that none of my friends ever tried to contact me. No phone calls, no text messages, no Facebook messages, but I was so caught up in working I didn't even notice.
However, that Christmastime, the girls I grew up with in my ward all had a reunion party, and while there I realized something. While we were in the same grade in school, I was in a higher Sunday School class because I was born a year earlier. And all these other girls had these close relationships and inside jokes and I was completely left out. It hurt me because I had known these girls the majority of my life. Even these girls, didn't want to be my friends.
The wedding came and went. Lindsay and Kristina (who had moved back to Boise) were my bridesmaids as well as my lifelong best friend Lauren (who has nothing to do with this post because we're still incredibly close despite our two hour separation). After the
honeymoon, Chris and I moved back to Logan so we could finish this school.
The first three months of our marriage I was unemployed, car-less, had nothing to do, and was friend-less. And I went into a deep and horrible depression again. I hated being so depressed, I was a newlywed! I was supposed to be happy! And Chris made me happy, but I need more, I needed a friend.
But the fact was, none of my friends were living in Logan at the time. And when I tried to contact them, I quickly realized that none of them were true friends. None of them wanted to hang out with me, they didn't even want to see me! I became so horribly, horribly depressed.
Chris and I were talking one night and I said "You're my best friend!" And he jokingly replied, "I'm your only friend." And while I knew it was a joke, I burst into uncontrollable tears because it was so ironically true. I had no one. I had no friends.
I longed for the new school year to begin, but when in came, I realized I was one of the older ones in my classes and when the freshman saw my wedding ring they were immediately put off. I couldn't find any friends anywhere. I was trapped with no friends. I'm still trapped with no friends. Nobody contacts me, nobody cares and all I can do now it put forth all my effort in school and my marriage and forget about the fact that I have no friends.
A LESSON ON FRIENDSHIP
I always wonder if it was my depression that scared people away. If so, people have a lot to learn about depression. People suffering with depression NEED friends, more than anything! When they start to feel abandoned, that's when the cutting begins or that's when they take the chance to end their own lives. It breaks my heart that people don't understand that.
Another note on depression, you never know who is the one suffering. In middle school, a kid at my school took his own life. Everyone was shocked. "He had always been so happy!" "He had a girlfriend." "What had happened?" Nobody had known that this boy was feeling inside the way that he did, much like most people don't know about my depression (this post may frighten a lot of people who thought they knew me). You never know who is suffering, so you have to be kind to everyone.
While you may not think much of a friendship with someone, that friendship may mean the whole world to another person. The second you put their friendship behind another's, that's when things fall apart. I love Lindsay, but the second she said she would rather live with the other girl, my heart broke. I had leaned so strongly on our friendship through that year where I had felt abandoned by our other roommates, and in that moment, I knew she put them before me as well, and I was devastated.
Technology can be so great for so many things, but it's ruining friendships. People are nice and friendly through texting and social media, but in the real world, they don't care at all. It makes me ache inside that people are so fake through technology. I honestly would rather know what a person thought of me beforehand, otherwise I build up this trust and believe in this relationship, and when we end up face to face, it's all been a lie. Technology is killing friendship.
When someone gains a serious relationship, that doesn't mean they don't need friends. I absolutely love being with Chris every second of every day, but sometimes I need a girl's night with a chick-flick. Sometimes I want to doing something other than fishing. But I don't have anyone to do these things with, because I have no one. Just because your friend found a boyfriend doesn't mean your friendship is over. Don't abandon them! That's just rude and incredibly selfish.
On that note, don't be selfish! Let your friends pick the activity for once. Don't make yourself the queen of the gang, that's only hurting people and in most cases will end up hurting you too.
Don't think of certain people as an afterthought. You plan out this whole party and invite a bunch of people and just because you want to seem popular, you invited some not so close friends, just so you can have more people attend. Don't treat people like objects to get you ahead. Imagine if you were in their situation, I promise you it's the absolute worst feeling to be someone's afterthought and an object to make them feel more popular.
Don't be fake. This is slightly off topic, but I'm so sick of girls pretending they're perfect little Mormons but they're always wearing immodest clothing, didn't the prophet warn against that? Because in my experience, it's those girls that end up dating the stupid boys who use them. Stop being fake and maybe you'll make some real friends.
Not inviting someone to your wedding when you've been friends for so long is like a slap in the face. It's even worst when you don't attend my wedding but go to the wedding of someone you don't even know!! I'm thinking of someone in particular and if you're reading this, I hope you know how much that hurt me. It was like a slap in the face.
Also, to all those girls that never showed up to my bridal shower, I would have loved a call, or text, or Facebook message to apologize for not showing up. But I ended up alone with almost no one there, and with no explanation as to why. Because if that isn't a sign that nobody cares about me, I don't know what is. And to the few that did send me a Facebook message, thank you so so so so so so much!! It honestly meant the world to me!
LEARN HOW TO BE A GOOD FRIEND!! I hate that I have no friends right now. I hate that all my friends abandoned me. I hate that I have to write a post like this on my blog, where I try to keep things happy and optimistic. I hate that nobody seems to care about other people.
Please be kind to one another!! Please reach out to your friends and let them know you care!!! Please don't give up on your friendships!!
Lastly, to all the friends that abandoned me, if you still want to be friends, I'm right here, alone, friendless and doing nothing. YOU DECIDE. Because I'm so sick of trying to revive something that already seems dead.
