I Greatly Dislike College

Last week a wrote a certain blog post entitled I Hate College. And for some strange reason I received a huge response and it quickly became my most viewed blog post this month. I found it incredibly strange especially considering it was just a long, angry rant and typically those don't go over too well on my blog. But for some reason you all were very intrigued by my bold statement of saying I hate college and were very interested in helping me. So thank you.

But I cannot in good conscience just let that angry post slide by without a disclaimer. While everything I wrote in that post is true and I wouldn't take any of it back, it's important to note that directly before that post I was in class and received my paper back, a paper that I thought I had done really well on, but I got a "C+".

Despite that being a passing grade I was incredibly frustrated! The whole point of this particular semester was to bring up my GPA by taking all the classes that I had previously failed. Which means that the two classes this semester that I am in great danger of failing, I've already failed them before!! I've already taken that class! I've already done the work! And these are English classes, a subject in which I decided I didn't want to major in anymore.

I'm sick of being in English classes and because I'm in all high level English courses, this semester is particularly difficult and frustrating for me. I have no desire to be in these classes and with each bad grade on a quiz or essay I lose any desire to even pass anymore. This semester is incredibly difficult and it's draining me in a way that no semester ever has, not just because of the difficulty level but because I just don't care anymore.

While I do stand by my post last week, I feel it's important for my readers to know why I wrote all those anger-filled words at that particular moment. And I feel the title of this post more accurately portrays my real feelings towards college. Hate is too strong a word.

I don't know what my next step is. I don't know what the result of last week's post is yet. Right now I'm just focusing on getting through the rest of the semester and then taking the summer off in Texas to think through all my options. I've talked with my husband and I think I have a good idea about where I want to go from here, but I need to pray about it more and I feel like I need to be out of school (not continually pestered by this awful semester) to make the right decision.

Again, thank you to everyone who left comments on last week's post or texted or emailed me. All your comments and suggestions were incredibly helpful and I am so grateful to have this wonderful blogging community to help me when I'm down. You mean everything to me and I am so happy to have you around.

THANK YOU!!! 

I Hate College

This post ended up much longer than I expected and is majorly an angry rant. Read it if you wish, and if you do, please leave a comment and give me a suggestion on what to do. I'm horribly upset over this. 

This title is a very bold statement, but quite honestly it's true. And people should stop telling me I'm just going through a faze, because I've been here for practically five long years and I've always hated it. I put on a very deceiving front. I go to all my classes, I talk enthusiastically about my major, and for the past two days I've stayed on campus for 10 straight hours (today it's 7 and a half hours straight). But the truth is that I absolutely hate being here and I really, really don't want to stay.

I started college at Utah State (which I have nothing against this school, only college in general) back in 2009. I was excited to start out with my major in print journalism. I went through the first semester with decent grades but greatly disliked going to classes and being in college. The next semester was harder and I thought, "Maybe I'm in the wrong major", so I talked with a counselor and changed my major to English teaching.

So my next year of college began in my English major, a subject I have always loved and always did well in in high school. I received all "B's" that semester and began feeling discouraged. The next semester my personal life hit an all-time low and I suffered horrible depression and dropped many of my classes, leaving me with three simple ones which I got "A's" in.

The next year I started into the difficult English courses and found that I wasn't as good in English as I though I was. In fact, I sucked at English! I felt incredibly behind and stupid and began failing courses. The next semester was even worse, leaving me with a horrible GPA and too frustrated to stay. I left college and moved back home, needing a break from the college life and to get my priorities straight.

That year I found multiple jobs and worked long hours (all while planning my wedding). I absolutely loved that year, despite living two hours from my fiance, and fell in love with a hard working schedule. I loved to work and felt accomplished.

After my wedding I moved back to Logan, ready to start up school again after the summer. I searched all summer for a job and couldn't find one, leaving me feeling horribly depressed and empty inside. I had loved the last year of working so much and it hurt me that I couldn't work again. I finally got my old janitorial job back at the end of the summer. I wasn't incredibly happy with it, but I loved my boss and coworkers and at least I had a job.

I started school again with confidence, ready to work hard and raise my GPA, all while exploring a second major change. While I didn't very well that semester, I HATED IT. I hated being in school and I just wanted to go back to working again. I loved one particular class and I learned a lot but I hated being in school.

Now we're at the current semester, where I'm trying my hardest and still getting horrible grades. I hate being in school, I hate being in college, and I honestly don't think I can do this anymore.

In one of my classes last semester my teacher asked us to write down where we see ourselves in five years. I wrote that I wanted to be a mother, that I wanted to be working, that I wanted to be writing novels and writing on my blog, I wanted to be helping people, I wanted to be out of Logan, and I wanted to be happily married with my husband.

He then said, "If teaching isn't on there, than maybe this major isn't for you." Teaching wasn't on my list. In fact, I didn't even think about teaching until he had said it. I became very confused. Is teaching really what I want to do or am I trying to convince myself I should because it's a "real job". Do I want to be a teacher or am I just in love with the idea of being a teacher?

Since September I've been volunteering in an elementary school and helping a fifth grader on his reading. I absolutely love it and love being in that environment, but I want to do it now, I don't want to wait five years and suffer through college to get there. I think I could be a good teacher, but the thought of going through college to get there terrifies me, not because it's hard, but because I absolutely hate it.

Is college really right for me if I'm constantly stressed, crying, and horribly depressed? College is so hard for me but it's also hard on me. It brings down my self-esteem and self-worth with each new school day. I feel lost and hurt because I never know the right answer when I'm called on in class. I feel stupid in every single one of my classes, even the ones I do good in. I honestly believe college isn't right for me... right now.

I texted my mom after a horrible day of school and told her about my doubts and how much I hate college. She suggested I take a break, but I've already done that! And after my break I hated going back! While I was so excited to go back, when I finally got back here I remembered how much I hate it and all that excitement disappeared and was replaced with sadness and anxiety.

I don't want to finish college. There. I said it. I hate being here. I hate going to school. I want to work, I want to start a family, I want to feel like I'm successful in life. Right now I feel like a horrible failure and I want to escape. I want to work full-time. I don't want to go to school. I hate college!!

I don't want to be a drop-out, I really don't, but I honestly hate being here and have no desire to stay. I'm confused and upset. I want someone to give me the right answer. What should I do? Where am I supposed to be? Where am I going in life? HELP!!

Read a follow-up post/disclaimer HERE. 

Why I Want to Change My Major: A Look at Elementary VS. Secondary Education

So for any regular readers, you may be aware of the fact that I am an English teaching major. I've written before that one of my main goals in life is to teach high school English and coach a high school dance team.

... That however, has all changed.

This semester I am enrolled in ELED 1010: Introduction to Elementary Education and I am working towards raising my GPA so I can get into the Elementary Education program. Why would I do that? This is my fourth year of college, most my friends have already graduated, I'm all set in my current major, why would I change? Well this post is to tell you why.


This semester in my ENGL 4500: Teaching Writing class, on the first day we kind of introduced ourselves and explained to the class why we write. I talked about how my love-affair of writing that I had since first grade died off because of the comments I received on my essays in college and how I got myself out of the writing funk by starting this blog. I write to make me happy.

A boy in my class began to speak saying that he like writing because it makes him feel intellectual and that he wants to teach in high school to show off his superiority and be able to show how smart he is.

I was shocked that he had said that. It's the purpose of teaching to help the student? That's what I always thought, that what I always wanted from teaching.

A girl stood to begin her speech, she also said things along the lines of wanting to teach to model good writing and reading skills. More and more said things similar. In another one of my English classes, the students are eager to speak up and show off what they know.  I began to realize the general idea of my peers in this major, is to show off, to express their intellect to willing (or unwilling) students.

I began to really think about this. It had never occurred to me to think this way, in fact, I thought the exact opposite. The moment I decided to be a teacher it was because I wanted to help the students. I struggled through high school and my goal as a teacher would be to help those students make it through, the same way my high school English teachers helped me.

For some time I've been upset in my major. I have had no desire to go to my classes, I hated every essay I wrote and didn't even bother putting my best effort into it, I assumed all my teacher would fail me no matter what because I felt like a complete English failure. I didn't know what I was doing, and I hated my classes. So I left college for a year to re-evaluate what I was doing and to take a break to rejuvenate myself.

While on my break I kept getting feelings I needed to change to elementary education. I assumed that this was because I was working in a daycare and being surrounded by the little kids made me always want to be surrounded by little kids. I didn't think much of it until I left my job, but still kept having those feelings.

Anyone who read my blog this summer knows that I was super excited to finally be going back to school. This time I wanted it and I had a drive to do well. After a summer of mostly lows, going back to school resulted in chaos. The school dropped all my class twice. They tried to say I wasn't an enrolled student and that I would have to reapply to the school. They kept charging me extra money until I got into my waitlisted classes... I was beat, I was angry and upset at the school.

My only ray of sunshine school-wise, were my two favorite classes, ELED 1010 and FCHD 1500, both were introductory classes to the elementary education major. I had decided to take them, the week before school started, because of the feelings I had kept getting. I figured taking the introductory courses may help me decide what I really want to do with my life.

After only two weeks of this semester, I know without any doubt that I want to be an elementary school teacher. I absolutely love my classes! And my two English classes this semester I have to drag myself into going! I'm not happy in the English major and I realize now that I never really was.

I haven't officially changed my major. I can't until I raise my GPA by retaking the classes I failed. This is my fourth year of college and I have so much more I'll have to do by switching my major, but I am happy to do so. Just thinking about the change makes me happy, regardless of the ridiculous amount of work I will have to put into this change.

Everything feels right again. I'm enjoying school and I feel like I'm doing the right things with my life, even if it means I won't graduate for a few more years. I'm happy with this decision and I am so grateful for my loving husband and family who all support me in this decision. I love you all so much!

I love all my readers, as I wrote in my class, you truly are the reason I write and you've restored my love of writing. Thank you for reading my blog and thank you for all your support! 

Death of a Salesman

Yesterday I went to a play with my parents. Just me and my parents. It was fun. It was Death of a Salesman, which I've read like four or five times in high school and college classes, but I've never seen it done live before. I LOVED IT!! It got me excited to teach high school English and be able to teach about Arthur Miller's wonderful play! :)

If you want to see it, it's being shown at The Grand Theatre in Salt Lake City on the SLCC campus. It's a beautiful theater! You can find all the information you need here. Tickets range from $10 - $24. The show ends March 23rd, so go see it soon!!

...but if you go with your parents, be prepared to suffer the consequences. Last night all the could talk about was Biff and Willy. This morning my dad said I looked like I had a hangover (which, when I just wake up that is probably the worst possible thing to say to me or I'll be angry at you the whole day, keep that in mind Chris) because of Death of a Salesman. My parents are weird. But I love them! They really are the best parents ever! Why else would I be living with them at twenty-two? :)

English Teaching

Yesterday I gave my little brother a five minute English lesson (that ended up lasting a bit more than five minutes). I had read over an essay he wrote on The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne that he wrote for his eleventh grade English class.

I'm in college to become I high school English teacher. I mostly want to teach 11th and 12th grade, so this was a fun opportunity for me. As much as I love my brother, his essay wasn't that fantastic (although he later told me that he had forgotten about it and wrote it in the library before class).

But he still got a good grade on his essay because his first year teacher apparently doesn't know grammar or know what a thesis is. Because, as much as I love my brother, he did not deserve 10 out of 10 on a "clear thesis" when his paper didn't even have one.

So I gave him a short lesson on thesis' and on writing a good essay. I told him I was here to help him anytime he wants because I have million of papers from high school and college that can be used to teach English.


So it got me thinking even further. Why not put my short English lessons on my blog? It will give me more practice in becoming a teacher and can maybe help out some people along the way! I think it's a genius idea.

So from now one I will have a tab at the top of my blog called English Teaching that will display all my teaching posts and materials (because I already have some, thank you college). As I continue with college and graduate, the tab will have much more goodies and be much more successful. But for now it's just the small lessons of a want-to-be English teacher. :)