How Wonderful Is Thanksgiving?

Isn't it especially cool that we celebrate a holiday every year specifically focused on gratitude? Okay, so I don't think at the original Thanksgiving feast they were thinking: "And thus, every year on the last Thursday of November the people of this land shall have a feast much like ours. They will gorge themselves with food and give thanks for the many blessings which they have received in the past year. And then, when their feasting is through and their gratitude has been expressed, they shall camp out at the mall for some killer sales."

That's totally how pilgrims talked, by the way.

No, but when you really think about it this is such a cool holiday! And even if you don't have family around, don't get to have a great big feast, isn't it amazing to think about the blessings you do have?

I've had a really rough year. In April a friend of mine passed away, the entire summer I was battling with depression and harmful thoughts, in August I learned my brother was no longer going to church, on my birthday three weeks ago I had my first ever surgery for my miscarriage, I've had a life-long struggling with self image and I'm currently at my highest weight and hating myself, and this week has been stressful beyond belief (that will possibly be explained in a later post).

I think it's so easy to focus on the negative things in our lives. Living with depression it's incredibly easy. Depression manipulates your brain. Depression makes me believe things that aren't true. Depression is like a black hole inside of me, a darkness that I can't ever fully get rid of, but can just find light to drown it out.

But around this time I'm always able to fight the negatives and really think about what's good in my life.

I've gotten really far in my book writing. I'm learning how to run and training for a 5k. I was able to get pregnant and know in my heart I will be able to get pregnant again. I got an awesome new hairdo. I was able to renew my faith in my religion and in God. I have a family that always loves and supports me. And I have a husband who makes me happier than anything else in the world, and this week he surprised me with a big present (which is actually the thing that caused me so much stress, but it's the sweetest gesture in the world and you will learn about it at some point).

I have a habit of focusing on negatives, but I know I am blessed. I have been blessed my whole life. Despite my depression, I've lived an incredibly fortunate life. I've always been able to have a home, have food on the table, and be surrounded by people who love and care about me. I know there are so many people in the world who aren't nearly as blessed as me. Sometimes it makes me feel even spoiled. But I guess that's why Charity of the Month is coming back next year, so I can feel like I'm giving back to others.

This is such a wonderful time of the year! There is so much chaos in the world but when we sit down and think it through, we all have blessings to count.

I hope you all have been having a wonderful Thanksgiving! Don't forget to share your gratitude for those in your life and for the things you have. I would love to hear about what you are most grateful for this year so feel free to leave a comment below with a list of your blessings. You can read mine from my Happy Tuesday post found HERE.

I love all my readers. I am truly grateful for each and every one of you because you make me smile and bring me happiness. You keep me going. I love you and I hope you are all having a wonderful day.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! 

Happy (Grati-) Tuesday - 11/24/15

If you saw my post on Saturday, you may know that I am not entirely happy. But it's the week of Thanksgiving and I truly do have so much to be grateful for. So in the fashion of my typical Happy Tuesday posts, here's a list of the things I am grateful for... which also bring me happiness. 

Family that loves me unconditionally

Friends that stay by my side through everything

Chris (oh my goodness, so super grateful for Chris, for forever)

This song for helping me through anything and everything and giving me my life-long mantra

This song for making the tears stop and helping me move on

And this song for making me dance and smile despite my sadness

Having a job that I'm good at and get paid for

Always having enough money to eat and pay bills, even if there isn't much left over

Having a laptop to type out my thoughts and imagination onto

That I have a big imagination

My apartment and bed

Parents who always trust and believe in me, and never stop trying to protect me

Netflix for entertaining me

Books for letting me escape inside of them

How to Train Your Dragon for being my favorite of all favorites

The ability to be be healthy and fit

My new fun hair

Pictures for letting me capture moments and memories

Food of all kinds

Cows for making me smile

Blankets and pillows for being the best cuddle-ers behind Chris

That I am a wife to the most amazing man

That I was able to gain an education

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

That I have a testimony of the gospel

The knowledge that I will someday become a mother

The knowledge that despite how difficult it is sometimes, I am strong enough to fight my depression

  That my Father in Heaven is always watching over me 

That Chris will continue to love me forever and make me happy

That I am a warrior.

My Christmas Wishlist

People (mainly just family) have been asking me what I want for Christmas and I haven't been able to figure it out. But I decided a few things that I want and honestly can't think of much else I would need. So here goes!

A Vlogging Camera

This is the main thing I want. Some of you may have already discovered my YouTube channel (which hasn't had any activity in months and kind of sucks so if you haven't subscribed I totally understand). My original intention for this channel was to do vlogs and I even filmed one with Chris for our anniversary activities (back in May) but my camera was so bad basically none of the footage was good enough for me. The problem with this on my wishlist is that I cannot for the life of me figure out what would be best. I do love the cameras that allow you to flip the screen so you can see yourself while filming yourself. I have super shaky (and often sweaty) hands basically all the time so cameras that are easy to hold and keep steady are essential for me.  And I want one that has a good microphone, good picture, and would be easy to upload to my computer. I've looked up lots of cameras but I just can't make a decision.

Whether or not this is gifted to me, I do intend on getting a vlogging camera soon and 2016 will be the year of vlogging for me and Chris.... mainly just me vlogging Chris being his adorable self. Like a while ago when he was driving me to zumba and he was saying he could teach zumba and started showing off his moves while driving. Literally, I cannot blog enough stories of his awesomeness without them sounding flat and fake, which is why I need to be secretly filming him, which is how all good marriages work.

Q&A A Day: 5 Year Journal

I wanted this last year but didn't tell anyone and was too poor/stingy to buy it myself (but I think I will buy it myself this year if I don't get it for Christmas). This journal is awesome! It asks you a question everyday and you can just write a short sentence answer, but it's for five years so the next year on the same day you answer the same question and see how your life has changed. This is soooo good for someone like me who loves to write and has a lot of emotions but can never consistently write in a journal. It's answering one question a day, which I can totally do! And while I have this blog to do it as well, seeing how your answers change each year just sounds amazing to me! I'm so excited to get this to start in 2016!!

Staying Strong: 365 Days a Year

Another book, this one written by my idol, hero, and girl crush, the fabulous Demi Lovato. I also wanted this last year but it never happened (I'm so lazy and just don't tell people what I want). This book is amazing! I've seen it at a store and looked through it and knew I needed it. It has a different quote, story from Demi, and a goal for each day. Demi Lovato's story helps me to deal with my depression, she is my role model and she has already helped me so much. This book will be perfect as I try to start over in 2016 from my miscarriage, a summer of depression, and other negatives from 2015. And again, whether or not it's gifted to me, it's definitely time for me to have this book.

Devonne by Demi

Besides vlogging, my YouTube channel is also meant to be about things I enjoy, which includes hair and makeup (the only things on the channel so far). Demi Lovato (see, I'm obsessed with her) has created her own skincare line and I've done a lot of research on it. I want this... a lot. I've already been participating (sometimes) in her #NoMakeupMonday because I, like her, believe that women need to embrace their real beauty. And if you've ever seen Demi's #NMM photos you'll have seen that her skin is absolutely flawless, and a lot of that is because of her skincare line. Honestly, who wouldn't want to have skin like Demi Lovato?

Workout Clothes

As I mentioned last week, I am kicking my gym habit into gear. I worked out 3 days last week which is a big accomplishment for me. I'm working towards actually being able to run (because I literally cannot run) and hope to run a 5k with Chris this next summer (unless I get pregnant and the pregnancy prevents me from running a 5k... honestly my real Christmas want is to have a baby, but we'll see how that goes). Besides running, I want to get back into dancing. I have always, always, ALWAYS wanted to teach dance and it's honestly just stupid that I'm not. I'm currently so out of shape and inflexible that dance isn't really happening right now, but I'm going to make it happen soon. I'm going to dance and teach dance. That's the goal. So obviously I need cute clothes to wear while getting fit.

Clothes in General

What girl doesn't want more clothes?!? I have been struggling lately with my current wardrobe because of the fact I'm at my highest weight, my short pregnancy did give me a slight belly, and most my clothes I've had since high school. So I'm always looking for new additions to my wardrobe because I also want to keep up with #FashionFriday posts on this blog. This is not a fashion blog, but clothes and style are something I like so I want to have Fridays to show off my wardrobe, but I have to like my wardrobe first (and not work during the only sunlight in these winter months making it nearly impossible to take good photos because I can't do it in the dark outside and the lighting in my apartment is awful). I love clothes, Chris says I have too many, but I like having options. Clothes are always on my wishlist.

What things are on your Christmas Wishlist? Let me know in the comments below! 

My Conversion

Last Sunday I gave a lesson in Young Womens called "How Do I Know If I Am Being Converted?" I think when you're like me, and you are born and raised as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it's hard to think that you yourself have to go through a conversion. I often would think, I was raised this way, it's who I am, I don't have to put as much work into it.

The last few years have changed my perspective on that entirely.

For my lesson I typed up my story and read it to my class. I knew I couldn't freestyle my story without crying so I had written it all down. Conveniently, it makes it a lot easier to share my story on here as well.

So here is my story:

"For the past few years my relationship with the gospel has been difficult. I could never deny the gospel, but I wasn't fully committed to it. I'm sure you have noticed it as well, but I had a hard time going to church every week, I only seemed to pray when I needed something, and I never read my scriptures.

When I got called into young womens I wanted to change and my brain kept telling me to be here but I just never could fully commit myself and I wasn't ever sure why.

A few months ago two significant things happened in my life, both at the same time. First, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. And second, my mom called me to tell me my younger brother, Nick, had said he lost his testimony and was no longer going to go to church.

Both of these were huge for me. I have wanted to be a mother for so long and I was so excited that it was finally happening. But having Nick, who is one of my best friends lose his testimony broke my heart. When my mom first told me I felt angry with him. Mainly because I knew how much it was hurting my mom. My dad has been inactive for a few years so my mom is the only one left at home going to church. She's told me that she sits alone and she cries almost every week because she wishes that Nick or my dad would be there with her.

But I realized I couldn't actually be angry with Nick when my own testimony had been struggling for years. Deciding to stop going to church had never really felt like an option for me, but hearing that my brother had made that decision changed things.

I started to think about how I wanted my life to be, not just for myself, but for my baby. I thought about how even though my testimony hadn't been strong for a long time, I loved growing up in the gospel, and my testimony of the gospel had never really faded. I realized how badly I wanted my baby to grow up in a home focused on the gospel.

As I went through the beginning of my pregnancy I had a really hard time with sickness and found myself praying more often and even received a priesthood blessing. I began praying everyday that my baby would grow stronger and be protected. I also prayed for myself to become better, that I would keep up my daily prayers and start going to church every single week. I started listening to General Conference talks every morning as I got ready for work and slowly I could feel myself changing.

Hearing about my brother losing his testimony helped me to find mine. And becoming pregnant helped my testimony to grow even stronger.

As you heard, last week I lost my baby and while this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life, the moment I heard the news I felt so calm and positive. I cried like crazy and have cried basically every day since it happened, but I have continually felt calm and positive as well. I know that someday I'm going to be a mother and I know that I will see my baby again someday, and most importantly I know that the reason I've felt so calm is because my Father in Heaven is looking out for me.

These past few months have started a huge change in my life and I truly have felt myself becoming more converted in the gospel. It's a process that will probably still take some time, but this time around I'm more committed. For the first time in a long time I want to be at church every Sunday and I want to make sure I take the sacrament every week.

I had been struggling for so long I had forgotten how incredible it is to continually feel the peace and happiness the gospel brings. This last week has been awful for me but I know that if this had happened before I committed to changing myself, I would not be able to recover from it. The only reason that this experience isn't tearing me apart is because I made a choice months ago that I would change myself to be stronger in the gospel. And I have been changing and I still am.

I love being a member of this church. I love the prophet and his counselors. I love our bishop in this ward who came to my apartment the night I learned of my miscarriage and reminded me "Things happen for a reason." I was called into young womens for a reason. I got pregnant when I did for a reason. And I committed to make a change when I did for a reason.

I don't know how much longer it will take for me to be truly converted, but I am so grateful that I have decided to make this change. I love who I am becoming and I wouldn't have it any other way."

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As always, if you would like to learn more about my LDS faith, please feel free to email me at thedancingcowblog@gmail.com and I will do my best to answer any questions or direct you to someone else who can. 

If you would also like a copy of the Book of Mormon, send me an email and I will get one sent to you. Thanks!