Self Realization

Hello friends, today I had a moment of shocking self-discovery and I had to document and rant about it somewhere, and what better place to do that than my blog.

I am not a naturally curious person.

Now I have moments of curiosity, we all do, but I'm not the type of person who has to know all the answers... like my sister, who I tease with all the time because in my personal opinion she's overly curious... though maybe my mind is distorted because I'm not curious and she's really just a natural level of curiosity. Mind blown.

But being curious just isn't my thing. I don't ask a lot of questions, unless I truly want to know an answer. I over think every question I ask as well. I only want the simplest of answers, because if it's not something I'm interested in, then I don't really care. I've always been they type of person who loves to be alone. I do the things I want to do and I'm happy with that.

But get this..

What if my lack of curiosity is the reason school was so difficult for me? That would make total sense! Because honestly I don't ask questions if I don't care, so in school when I didn't know what was going on I would keep quiet.

What if my lack of curiosity is the thing that has been holding me back my whole life? What does this mean? Does this mean anything? Can I fix this? Can you learn to become curious? Is me asking all these questions helping me to become more curious? Who knows, and my lack of curiosity leads me to end this post, because I just don't care enough.

A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

Hey you! It's me, you. Happy 17th birthday! It feels old doesn't it? Just wait until you're 23 like me, you'll feel super old then. I hope you're having a good birthday and your cake is good. It sure looks interesting. To be honest, I don't remember anything about our 17th birthday. I just remember being 17, but I'll get to that in a minute.

In about two months you'll meet a boy named Colton. You'll make a complete fool of yourself by the first thing you say to him, but that's alright, because he's something special. Never forget he's someone special. He will end up being your best friend, and the only one you can turn to when things go wrong. He's important and changes your life for the better. And while you love him and everything he does for you, he's not the one. Be kind and show him you care. If I could only ask you to change one thing, don't hurt him the way I did. He didn't deserve that. He will be your best friend, and he doesn't need you to betray him the way I did.

Also this year you'll be going to San Antonio with the school choir. You'll become better friends with people there and have a lot of fun. Try to keep those friendships alive, because after high school friendships change.

I know you're upset that you didn't make the ballroom team this year, but don't worry, you'll make it next year. And you'll get better and better at dance. You'll even (finally) be able to do the splits. Then in college, you'll make the team there, and you'll be a favorite of the coaches. They'll end up becoming your friends. You'll make lots of friends through ballroom. You'll also meet someone who tries to destroy your life. Don't let him destroy your life, keep your head up and keep dancing.

Also keep writing. Someday you'll start a blog that will end up being fairly popular and will bring you so much joy! You'll also think of the idea for that award-winning book you've always wanted to write. It'll take quite a few years to write it, but you know it's good because it's the first book you never give up on. For a time in college you may doubt your writing abilities, but please don't. You know you love to write and that it makes you happy, so don't stop doing it.

You already know you want to go to Utah State, and you're right. USU will be one of the greatest things you'll ever do. You'll meet so many people, learn so much, experience new things, and end up meeting the love of your life.

Oh yeah! You're probably wondering about marriage. You'll get married at 22. I know you're thinking 21, but you start dating him on your 21st birthday, so it still works. His name is Chris. But not the first Chris you date, he'll just leave you and hurt you. Be patient until you find the right Chris, and you'll know when you find him because he's perfect and he will make you happy for eternity. He's super attractive and the nicest boy you'll ever meet. He has a great family and gets along very well with yours. You pick a winner, don't worry.

Oh, and at the 11/11/11 party, be sure to eat as many pumpkin chocolate chip cookies as you can. You'll get super sick, but Chris will be there for you, and it'll be the first time you realize you love him.

While you're already close, after moving away to college, your siblings will become your best friends. Nick will grow taller than you, but at one point you'll be the same height, and everyone will think you're twins. Michelle is always so kind and has so much wisdom, she'll be your rock as you grow older.

Treat mom and dad better. It's not that you treat them badly now, but once you move away you'll realize how much you really miss them. They are incredible parents and they deserve to get more of your love. In a few months, mom will give you letter that changes your life, you'll realize just how important you are to her, and your bond will grow. Mom and Dad love you and they always will no matter what you do.

I know your heart is feeling heavy right now. You're conflicted because a boy is in love with you but your best friend is in love with him. They'll end up together eventually and you'll be a bridesmaid at the wedding. It's a beautiful wedding and you'll get to drag along your husband with you. You'll be happy for them.

...I know you don't want to hear this, but being 17 is hard.

I know what you're feeling inside.I know all about the blackness inside of you. I know you hurt. I know you cry every night. I know you cut yourself sometimes just to feel pain that makes sense, that you can see. I know that you stare at passing cars, wanting to jump in front of them. I know that you drive around for hours, trying to clear your head and get all the tears out before anyone can see you. I know that you feel alone even with so many people around you everyday. I know you think you're ugly. I know you hate yourself.

But despite all the pain, you'll make it through. It'll be one of the hardest things you ever face. It'll make you so much stronger! Your relationship with your Father in Heaven will grow and you'll learn more about the atonement of Jesus Christ. You'll realize your place in this world. You'll learn that you are important, and you are loved. YOU ARE SO LOVED!!!

When you're sitting on your bed, wanting it all to end, YOU WILL SURVIVE. You will make it through and live a wonderful, beautiful life! You will find happiness! You don't have to live in the darkness forever!!

And while you'll still struggle with depression your whole life, once you make it past 17, you'll be able to make it through everything else! You become someone who helps others, who is confident and proud, who learns to love, who is happy.

Kaylee, 17 is hard. It'll be so so hard. But once you get past 17, you'll become a hero to yourself. You'll become someone important. And you'll finally become you.

I wish you the best of luck! I love you and know you'll make the right decisions.

Love,
Future Kaylee

____________________________________________________________

This post was inspired by this song:

What would you write to your 17 year old self? Leave a comment below and let me know!

THANKS FOR READING!! 

Study Tips

I don't know about you, but I have a stressful semester going on! I feel like I'm constantly doing homework or am in class or work, I hardly see my husband anymore with how busy I am! So I've done a lot to get myself organized this semester. I've been keeping up perfectly with my homework and readings and even though it's only the fourth week, this is the best college semester I think I've ever had! 

I am not an expert on college study tips, not even close, but these are just things that work for me. The majority of these tips will also apply for any school grade. And before we begin, I apologize for the suckiness of my camera. Sorry!

What I Keep In My Backpack

I have a really awesome Transformers backpack! It looks like this: 

It's about two years old, so I don't think you could find it, but I got it at Walmart. What I like is that it's not ginormous. It just has that front zipper pocket and the main pocket, but it is able to hold all my stuff, including my many textbooks for class. It's important to get a sturdy backpack and make sure it's something you like, like how I like Transformers.

Tip #1: Get a sturdy backpack that won't put too much pressure on your back and shoulders. 

Inside my backpack I have my main binder:

...which I decorated with a sharpie, and if you want to do this, I HIGHLY advise doing it outside or in a well ventilated area, because doing this I got a horrible headache... and got a little high off the fumes. I'll explain what's in my binder later.

I also have my four folders, one for each class:

These are not labeled, but I remember which is which. The one with the circles is for my "World Writers" class, because the world is round. The one with the flowers is for "Human Development" because flowers and humans both grow and develop. The chevron one is for "Elementary Education" because elementary school is fun and exciting and they have slides. The plain boring black one is for "Teaching Writing" because she's an environmentalist and everything is online so she doesn't give us any papers so it's empty except for my class syllabus. I'll explain what's in these later.

I also keep a pencil case in my backpack in the front pocket:

Web Video Wednesday: Music Mashup

I'm still in the sort of "back to school" mode, so this video works well with that. I also want to apologize for something. I write most of my "daily" posts over the weekend so I can spend any spare time during the week on homework and then I can just log on and publish the post. However, the internet in our apartment is down and when I went onto campus yesterday (to do online homework) the internet was down there too. It was awful! So anyways, I had a fantastic "Happy Tuesday" post for yesterday but I never got it published because of internet problems and I decided to just save it for next Tuesday. So I apologize. 

Please enjoy the following video:

Things I Find While Cleaning My Laptop

So I was in the process of making a video with my webcam and it suddenly stops recording and informs me that the memory on my laptop is completely full. Luckily I was prepared for such an occasion and began moving things from my laptop to an external hard drive that my dad gave me months ago (thanks Daddy!!).

During this fun experience I found some pretty awesome stuff. So be prepared. :) And I know it's long, but some of the better stuff is at the end, so don't give up. Just scroll, watch the videos, enjoy the pictures, and read the silly things I used to write before this blog.

Here's a lovely video from Christmas 2008. I got awesome cowboy boot looking slippers and they were pretty amazing. I might still have them, but I do know one ripped a little...

Rock Band anyone? Look at my adorable little brother. This was before he was much taller than me... I miss those days when he was literally my "little" brother.

I totally forgot about this! So one day my friend Tom was going to go to the Sweetheart's Dance with his girlfriend (now pregnant wife). And he wanted his shoes to be creative so I went to his GIANORMOUS house with him and we used a hole punch to cut out the sticky part of pink post-it notes and stuck them to his shoes. Apparently they matched her dress perfectly. I didn't know, I didn't go to the dance.

My New Job!!

So the point of me moving back home was to make as much money as I could before I got married and moved back to Logan to finish school. I've had my daycare job since I've moved home but I've also done work for my dad's company and now for my mom.

My mom works for the school district in the testing department. My job is to go to the different schools in the district and test the ESL and ELL students to see how well they are learning the English language. Well for those of you who don't know, my major is English teaching with a minor in ESL...

I LOVE MY NEW JOB!! 

It feels really good to have a job that I like and that I'm actually really good at. I feel like a teacher testing students and I love it! It just feels right! Sure these are elementary age students and I'll be teaching  secondary age students, but being a teacher is something I like. I'm so excited to go back to USU to become a real teacher! I love my new job! 

Shopping Trip 2/25/2013

So today my mom and I went out shopping! I got some wonderful things, including the shoes for my wedding, I got to try on my wedding dress again and picked out a headpiece and veil to go with it! It was a fabulous shopping trip! As a part of my "In My Closet" segment, I'll be sharing with you what I buy, where and how much it cost.

So at Target I got two cardigans, black and white, and a gray maxi skirt. Everything was $15 each for a total of $48.08 and saved a total of $12.97! 

These will be so perfect for my wedding!!! I got these at DSW in the clearance section for 70% off! I bought them for $19.21 and saved $61.02!! A very successful trip indeed. 

I'd also like to point out that while buying the shoes, the sales clerk asked me if they were for prom. Nope, for my wedding. Last week a sales lady asked me how school was going and if I was excited for summer and spring break. No one believes that I'm 22, they all think I'm like 16 and in high school. Ha ha.

English Teaching

Yesterday I gave my little brother a five minute English lesson (that ended up lasting a bit more than five minutes). I had read over an essay he wrote on The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne that he wrote for his eleventh grade English class.

I'm in college to become I high school English teacher. I mostly want to teach 11th and 12th grade, so this was a fun opportunity for me. As much as I love my brother, his essay wasn't that fantastic (although he later told me that he had forgotten about it and wrote it in the library before class).

But he still got a good grade on his essay because his first year teacher apparently doesn't know grammar or know what a thesis is. Because, as much as I love my brother, he did not deserve 10 out of 10 on a "clear thesis" when his paper didn't even have one.

So I gave him a short lesson on thesis' and on writing a good essay. I told him I was here to help him anytime he wants because I have million of papers from high school and college that can be used to teach English.


So it got me thinking even further. Why not put my short English lessons on my blog? It will give me more practice in becoming a teacher and can maybe help out some people along the way! I think it's a genius idea.

So from now one I will have a tab at the top of my blog called English Teaching that will display all my teaching posts and materials (because I already have some, thank you college). As I continue with college and graduate, the tab will have much more goodies and be much more successful. But for now it's just the small lessons of a want-to-be English teacher. :)

The Curse of a Weak Immune System

I realize that this will only sound as an exaggeration, but I swear it's true! I was sick all three years of high school. Seriously. I cannot remember I time that I wasn't sick. I was always coughing, stuffed up, getting sinus headaches, always tired. As if being in high school isn't stressful enough, add constantly being drunk on cough syrup.

But my curse ended May of my senior year of high school. It was the week before my ballroom team performance. We had dance practices from 2:30 till 10:00 PM. I was constantly at the school, I hardly even went home, I couldn't go into work (and ended up getting fired for it) and, as always, I was sick. I was coughing and was having a difficult time breathing. (random side note, I also got food poisoning that week along with a couple other members of my team. Curse you Del Taco!!)

So it was three days before our first performance. They had me run my solo in costume on the stage so they could get the lighting right. I finish my 3:50 minute solo, go off the stage and sit in the audience, trying to catch my breath. I was trying to breathe normally, but it wasn't really working. About a half hour goes past and I still haven't caught my breath.

My pediatrician-in-training best friend decided to put her training to use. She called my mom and told her I needed to see a doctor. She talked to our coaches and told them that I couldn't dance anymore. So thanks to her, my mom came and we headed off to the doctors.

The clinic closed at 9:00 and we went in at about 8:45. They weren't very happy about that. So they send me in a room with my mom and the doctor lady comes in with her stethoscope. She puts it on my back and tells me to take deep breaths. Okay. Well even at this point, I hadn't fully caught my breath. So I'm trying the best I can.

"No! Like this." The doctor began doing yoga breaths to show me how to breathe. OH! Because at 18 I had no idea how to breathe. Come on doctor. We came in and told you I was having trouble breathing, give me a break.

"Well since you won't breathe deeply for me, you're going to have to get an x-ray." Oh yes! I was so excited! I had never gotten an x-ray before! So they get an x-ray of my chest.

While waiting for the results, they check my temperature. My mom kindly asks if I have a fever. The doctor give my mom an evil look. Yes. I had a high fever. But doctor, I had been at the school since 6:30 that morning. My mom hadn't seen me all day! How was she supposed to know I had a fever? And since I had been dancing most the time, I never thought that I might have a fever.

"Left lobe pneumonia." Was my verdict. (PS, I never got to see my x-ray! Lame! Also, this summer I got an x-ray on my foot, didn't get to see that one either! It's like doctors hate me and my want to see an x-ray!)

I was prescribed these major heavy duty pills. Only got six of them for of $90. So I rested as much as I could the next day (ended up nearly failing a class for missing that one day of school! I still don't like you Mr. Caldwell!) and started dancing again the day after.

But somehow, after getting pneumonia, I stopped getting sick all the time! My immune system was healed!! I got a cold in college maybe once a year, but they were never that bad or lasted very long. I was healed! .... until I started working in a daycare.

Since starting my job two and a half months ago, I've gotten sick twice now. I'm pretty sure I was only better from being sick for like a week before I started feeling sick again.

... umm... so that was really long and pointless to get to my main point:

If you currently have pneumonia, come give me a hug. Because maybe getting pneumonia again will cure me. 

 I'm serious. I'm sick of being sick.