It's Hard To Be Happy

I'm not happy. It's hard for me to be happy. Chris can make me happy for a while, but it's just like putting up an umbrella, it doesn't actually make the storm go away. I've spent years learning how to live with depression, then one thing happens and everything I've learned falls apart. I can't do this on my own, and that scares me. I've always fought this on my own. Sometimes the hardest part of knowing you have a problem, is finding help for that problem. I'm not happy, but I know I'm going to be again. I know that I'll be okay someday. That I will have a child someday and this miscarriage won't be as real anymore, just a memory, just a learning experience. It's hard to be happy, but I'm not giving up.

A Good Day To Start A Change

Hello friends! If you saw my last post you know that I've set some new goals for myself and one of them is to be healthier. Today is a Monday so what better day to start making a change for the better.

I would love for all of you to join me on my health/weight loss journey. Keep in mind, one of my main goals is to get pregnant again so weight loss, at least the goal weight I'm wanting, may not happen for a while if I get pregnant again.

For this go around I am planning on eating healthier and eating a good amount of calories each day. I will be going to the gym every night after work, starting with slow simple exercises at first and moving from there. There isn't a set plan to what I'll be doing on a daily basis but I would love for you to join me anyways in reaching your goals.

To help me achieve my goals I have two apps that I am using. For my birthday Chris gave me the Fitbit Charge HR . I have been loving it so far! I am using the Fitbit app to track my steps, sleep, and an estimated calories burnt for the day. Because I do not like how Fitbit tracks their food diary, I am also using My Fitness Pal. I absolutely love this app for tracking what I eat. What's especially nice is that these apps can be linked together, so in using My Fitness Pal, it will automatically subtract calories burnt from my Fitbit. It's genius and I love the way they can work together like that.

It is always easier to lose weight when you have friends helping you out. I will be tweeting about my experiences and you can check those out by following me on Twitter @cowgirl_kaylee. You can also friend me on My Fitness Pal and see my progress on there. My username is CowgirlKayls. You can find me on the Fitbit app as well, however I will not accept challenges from people I don't know (at least not at this time, maybe we can do a challenge all together someday though).

I've been through a lot recently and am still going through a difficult time but I'm committed to changing myself for the better. I've already been working on a change spiritually (more on that later), and I feel it's time I started working on the change physically. I love who I am and I'm continually working on growing a better self-image, and I truly believe this journey will help me to become the person I want to be and only make me love myself more.

I love you all and hope to hear about your weight loss or getting healthy experiences as well. And in case you didn't know... I have red hair now. :)

Oh Yeah, I'm 25

Last Wednesday was my 25th birthday. Normally I announce it on here because I LOVE birthdays, especially my own (does that make me vain?). But this year I didn't do anything because it's easy to forget when you're in the hospital most of the day getting surgery for your miscarriage.

PS, as for the miscarriage, the only way I can explain it to people is saying "I'm okay, but I'm not okay at the same time." I'm slowly getting better everyday. Today was the first day I didn't break out in tears at work (yay progress!!) but I'm getting there. I know someday I will be a mother, but it breaks my heart that I can no longer say it's happening in April. I just really want to be a mother...

Anyways, I'm 25 now. A few months ago my dad and grandma were talking about how I was turning 25 and they were saying how I was about a quarter done with my life, then they asked what I was going to do with the next quarter of my life. My answer was to make lots of money.

It's partially true, but I do have other goals for my life, so here they are.

To become a mother.

I want this so badly. I've wanted it for years, I dreamed about it as a teenager, I love kids so ridiculously much. I have no doubts it will happen for me, and it will probably happen soon, but it's at the top of my priority list. I want a family and I know Chris and I are ready, but I do trust the Lord and his timing. He will help us have a family when He knows we're truly ready. It hurts that I want it so badly now, but I have to be patient.

To do more with this blog to help people.

This week while working, trying not to think about my lost baby, I've been thinking a lot about how I can make Charity of the Month work better on this blog. I have new ideas and starting in January it will start up again. Not only with Charity of the Month, I plan on doing a new service project every month. That may not start in January, I'm still figuring out the details of it, but I want it to happen. I am truly blessed and it hurts to hear about other people and their trials. Yes, I have depression; yes, I just suffered a miscarriage; but I have two families that love me and a husband who makes me happier than anything or anyone ever has before. I am so fortunate, not with money, but with blessings and love, and I want to give back to those less fortunate than I.

To help others with depression.

I have a story and I'm ready to share it. I want my story with depression to be heard and to hopefully help others with depression learn that it can be overcome and dealt with. I'm certain I will never truly get over my depression, it's something that comes back again and again, but I know I'm strong enough to fight it. I'm a warrior, and I want to share my story and hopefully have it help others to become warriors too.

To make money.

I suppose this is more, to save money. My problem is not always making money, it's keeping my husband from spending it on fast food and Monster Energy Drinks (sorry for ratting you out Chris, but you know it's true). Part of me has felt that this miscarriage gives me the chance to make sure I have enough money to provide for my child. I have been stressed and terrified over the last few months trying to figure out how I would be able to afford things for my baby. While I would much rather have kept my baby, I feel like this is an opportunity to start over and make sure everything can be perfect.

To get healthy.

I'll be completely honest here, I eat so unhealthily. I also don't work out. And tonight my scale proved that this is not working out for me anymore. Now I would love to lose a lot of weight and get back down to where I used to be. I know it's possible and I plan on doing it, but getting pregnant is my first priority, so I'm not going to lose a ton of weight while pregnant, so this may be put off a bit, depending on how things work out. But getting healthy can be easily achieved, pregnant or not. I got a Fitbit for my birthday this year I love being able to see my heart rate, how many steps I take a day, and an estimation of the calories I have burned. I plan on using my gym membership more (because how can I make money if I spend it on stuff I don't use?) and plan out more of my meals, so I'm not eating out all the time. This is one of the more difficult goals for me because of depression and self-image issues, but I believe in myself and Chris is ready to help as well.

To be happy.

A few years ago I wrote a post about why I was leaving college. The main reason was because of how miserable it made me. Living with depression is incredibly difficult sometimes and college was completely draining me of happiness. After that I made a life goal, to do things that make me happy. I left college to make me happy. I got a full-time job to make me happy. I got pregnant to make me happy. Well the fact is, I am no longer happy. I promised myself I would only do things that would make me happy and I'm failing at it. I need a change and I'm going to do everything in my power to only do the things that will keep me happy.


25 feels kind of old to me, but I'm excited for the new opportunities and changes it'll bring (like being able to rent a car!). Also, I love you guys. Thank you for your love and support during this difficult time in my life. This miscarriage was so unexpected and so difficult and it will probably take a while for me to heal emotionally and I have truly appreciated your love as I'm coping with this. You're all amazing and I love you!

Heartbroken

I talk a lot on this blog about my struggle with depression, and how it's so difficult because I feel so dark and sad for no apparent reason. But one of the main reasons I talk about it so much is because I hope my story inspires people. I have a lengthy post planned about my whole depression story, how I cope with it, and how I find happiness in spite of the darkness I feel inside. This is not that post. This is a story of heartbreak that is real, that's tangible, and I also hope can inspire others.

Weeks ago I announced my pregnancy on my blog. Getting pregnant changed a lot of things about me and my perspective on life. I was so truly happy, a happiness that is hard to come by in my depression twisted life.

But then, on November 2nd, I had some spotting and the fear crept in. I was sitting at work, listening to music, trying to block out all the terrifying thoughts that were going through my mind. I barely talked to anyone that day, just feeling so scared but trying to remain as calm as possible. I did my research during my lunch break and as soon as work was over. All the pregnancy articles said a little spotting was okay, that unless it lasted, the baby was probably fine. But I still kept feeling terrified that something would happen to my baby.

That night I began experiencing cramps and my fear only grew. I immediately went to sleep to let my body relax and to forget about what I was feeling. I woke up several times that night, each time feeling so scared something was wrong. I made a decision that as soon as my doctor's office opened in the morning I would make a call.

Morning came and I woke earlier than usual. I spent my extra time doing my hair and makeup, something that's always been a good distraction for me and made me happy, even if just a little bit. I called in and it wasn't until I started explaining to the nurse what was happening that my emotions truly hit. I started to cry, and even though she tried to comfort me, said she would pray for me and that my baby would be fine, I just knew something was wrong. My emotions were just as messy when I called my boss to tell her I would be coming in late, or call back if I got different information.

Before going in I texted all my family, Chris's family, and my best friend and we asked them to pray for the baby and that we would keep them updated. I could already feel so much love and support no matter what the outcome would be.

Chris and I drove in to the doctor's office at the hospital. Wait time was fairly short and we were seen by the on-call doctor, as my usual doctor was out that day. They took us straight to the ultrasound room and I laid down. The image of my baby popped up on the screen, smaller than what it should be at 17 weeks. And as he looked for a heartbeat, there was none.

My baby was gone.

As the doctor told me there was no heartbeat I understood what he meant, but I couldn't process it. I just laid there, my mind unable to comprehend how or why this had happened. The doctor left the room leaving Chris and me alone. Chris had come to my side the second the heartbeat was missing and had grabbed my hand, but as we were left alone he leaned over me in a hug and told me how sorry he was.

It was only the second time I had seen my husband cry.

A different doctor came in and briefly explained my options. We scheduled for me to come back later that day to get everything sorted. The doctors left once more and I truly began to cry. This was happening for real. My baby was gone. Chris held me for who knows how long, just letting my cry into his chest and shedding a few tears himself.

We left the hospital and went home. Chris called my boss again and told them the news, me being way too emotional to talk to anyone. I texted my mom and told her. She immediately offered to drive up and be with me and I agreed it would be best. My mom had suffered five miscarriages of her own, who better to help me deal with this than her? I texted others to let them know the news (thank goodness for texting when you're too emotional to call) and we were immediately met with such love.

Chris and I laid in our bed in silence. He held me while I cried. He gave me my birthday present early, a stuffed animal Toothless, so I could squeeze it and feel comforted even more. My mom arrived about two hours later and the tears came again as she held me and told me her experience.

Despite my tears, I felt so calm and positive through the whole ordeal.

We went back to the doctors and I was given my options. I opted to get the surgery the next day, on my birthday, because despite wanting to doing fun things and be happy on my birthday, I knew if this was on my mind I wouldn't be able to enjoy anything that day.

That night was a whirlwind of visitors. My sister drove up and offered to stay a few days, as she works online. My bishopric came and gave me a blessing, my incredible bishop reminding me a few times, "Everything happens for a reason." The Young Women's president I serve with came by and brought me flowers and a card signed by the rest of the leaders and some of our girls. My best friend and her family had gorgeous flowers delivered to my apartment.  I could hardly comprehend the kindness and love that I was experiencing.

I woke up November 4th, the day of my birthday, unable to think of anything but my upcoming surgery. I had never had surgery before and I was scared, but in my priesthood blessing the day before I had been comforted. Again, I felt oddly calm and positive despite my sadness.

We were at the hospital for what felt like days. My fear of needles made an IV terrifying for me and my mom held my hand as they put it in, once in my hand to draw blood, then in my elbow as it had fallen out of my hand.

Chris is my rock. He made jokes, he looked out for me, and he kept me as happy as he could. And having my mom and sister there made it easier as well.

I woke up after the surgery in a daze, never having been under anesthesia before. I remained in recovery for a while before being wheeled back to my family. Chris came to my side and I said what was truly on my mind after having the surgery done, "Our baby is really gone now." and Chris comforted me the best he could.

Everything before leaving the hospital was a daze of bleeding, throwing up, and nearly falling asleep. My mom had to leave but Chris and Michelle stayed and made sure I was taken care of. I was wheeled out of the hospital and we drove home. Michelle ran a few errands for me as Chris let me lay on the couch, comforting me as I began drifting off again due to blood loss. When Michelle got back I forced some food in me and began to feel more awake and stable.

Michelle and I spent the night in my bed watching Legally Blonde and The Office, Chris bringing me more food anytime I asked for it. Soon I went to sleep, Chris holding me to comfort me, my new Toothless in my arms as well.

Then I woke up and now I'm here. Typing this.

It's a long story but it's an important one. My blog has never been one to shy away from the harsh reality of life. I talk about depression and anxiety, and I knew I had to talk about this.

During my pregnancy my relationship with my religion grew. I realized how much I depended on my Father in Heaven as he helped me through morning sickness and other struggles. I had made a resolution to be better with my church attendance and my calling. This resolution has only grown stronger with my current trial.

I have felt such peace and positivity through this whole thing. While at moments it's difficult for me to comprehend why I'm feeling so calm after losing my first child, I know it's my Heavenly Father blessing me with the strength to try again.

I have no doubt that Chris and I will have kids of our own someday. This little one... our little pumpkin, had a different purpose. "Everything happens for a reason." We were not meant to kept this one, but we both know we will see our little one again someday in Heaven.

I'm still heartbroken, I'm still trying to cope, recovering from something I never imagined would have happened. But I have such an incredible support system. My family, friends, and Father in Heaven have me in their thoughts. I have felt so much love it's difficult to comprehend at times. I know that this experience was given to me to make me stronger, to teach me something, although I can't find the lesson yet.

I'm so grateful for the opportunity I have had to be pregnant. I already miss my little pumpkin so much my heart aches, but I already feel stronger because of this trial. I'm grateful for my family and friends and the love and support I have been given. Thank you to my blog readers for your kind words you always give me. Most of all, thank you to Chris, my soulmate, my rock, and the love of my life. I could not deal with this without him. He saved me from depression before, and he help save me from this heartbreak as well.