The Moments I Feel Like a Married Couple

Is it bad to say that I don't always feel like a married person? That my life hasn't completely changed from a few years ago? My life shifts from feeling married to feeling like a regular college student. But how can it not with the craziness my past nine months of marriage have brought me.

(I don't think I've ever shown this photo on my blog before, this is after the reception where we walked through a tunnel of sparklers (which scared me because I hate being close to an open flame) and I was leaning on Chris to walk because my feet hurt so badly. But I absolutely love this photo because we just look so happy (and we honestly were) and I loved my hair and that dress.) 

After the wedding on the honeymoon I felt married then. Because it was the first time in my life I was on a vacation without my parents (okay, I've been on ballroom and choir tour, but there were adults and I wasn't in charge of checking into hotels and such). We were in charge of the vacation and everyone at Disneyland was congratulating us on our marriage. We were happily in love and were happy to finally be married.

Moving in together for the first time was obviously a huge change. I felt married then. After eight months of living two hours from each other we were finally together 24/7 and I felt like we were a married couple then. We had our own apartment we shared a bed, we paid bills, we were a married couple.

But then I spent the whole summer job-less and stuck in the apartment, and I didn't feel married. I felt like a loser with no job living with my best friend. I didn't feel like we were a real married couple. I knew I was married, but it didn't feel any different than when I was living with roommates before.

On social outings with family (like our family Jackson Hole trip pictured above) I felt married (and super short). When we were around family I felt like we were a married couple. It became this way in any social situation. When we were out shopping or out with friends (ha, we don't ever hang out with friends, that's a lie) I felt married then. But when we returned home and sat around doing nothing, the feeling was lost.

When we are cleaning the house together, I feel like a married couple. In social situations, I feel like a married couple. When we go out and do something, I feel like a married couple. But when we're at home, I don't. And I feel it's because it doesn't feel like my home.

We've already lived in two different apartments and are moving again in two months. Things haven't settled yet. Nothing is set in stone. And I think that's why I struggle to feel like a married couple. We're approaching our one year anniversary in a few months and I've yet felt settled down as a married couple and it really bothers me. I love being married to Chris and I love him with all my heart, but I want those brief moments where I feel like a married couple to last forever.

I want to feel married all the time, and it's hard for me that I don't feel this way yet. Shouldn't it have happened? Why can't I feel it yet? I do love Chris and it has nothing to do with a lack of love, it's just a feeling that comes and goes, but I want it all the time, not just some of the time.