Oh Yeah, I'm 25

Last Wednesday was my 25th birthday. Normally I announce it on here because I LOVE birthdays, especially my own (does that make me vain?). But this year I didn't do anything because it's easy to forget when you're in the hospital most of the day getting surgery for your miscarriage.

PS, as for the miscarriage, the only way I can explain it to people is saying "I'm okay, but I'm not okay at the same time." I'm slowly getting better everyday. Today was the first day I didn't break out in tears at work (yay progress!!) but I'm getting there. I know someday I will be a mother, but it breaks my heart that I can no longer say it's happening in April. I just really want to be a mother...

Anyways, I'm 25 now. A few months ago my dad and grandma were talking about how I was turning 25 and they were saying how I was about a quarter done with my life, then they asked what I was going to do with the next quarter of my life. My answer was to make lots of money.

It's partially true, but I do have other goals for my life, so here they are.

To become a mother.

I want this so badly. I've wanted it for years, I dreamed about it as a teenager, I love kids so ridiculously much. I have no doubts it will happen for me, and it will probably happen soon, but it's at the top of my priority list. I want a family and I know Chris and I are ready, but I do trust the Lord and his timing. He will help us have a family when He knows we're truly ready. It hurts that I want it so badly now, but I have to be patient.

To do more with this blog to help people.

This week while working, trying not to think about my lost baby, I've been thinking a lot about how I can make Charity of the Month work better on this blog. I have new ideas and starting in January it will start up again. Not only with Charity of the Month, I plan on doing a new service project every month. That may not start in January, I'm still figuring out the details of it, but I want it to happen. I am truly blessed and it hurts to hear about other people and their trials. Yes, I have depression; yes, I just suffered a miscarriage; but I have two families that love me and a husband who makes me happier than anything or anyone ever has before. I am so fortunate, not with money, but with blessings and love, and I want to give back to those less fortunate than I.

To help others with depression.

I have a story and I'm ready to share it. I want my story with depression to be heard and to hopefully help others with depression learn that it can be overcome and dealt with. I'm certain I will never truly get over my depression, it's something that comes back again and again, but I know I'm strong enough to fight it. I'm a warrior, and I want to share my story and hopefully have it help others to become warriors too.

To make money.

I suppose this is more, to save money. My problem is not always making money, it's keeping my husband from spending it on fast food and Monster Energy Drinks (sorry for ratting you out Chris, but you know it's true). Part of me has felt that this miscarriage gives me the chance to make sure I have enough money to provide for my child. I have been stressed and terrified over the last few months trying to figure out how I would be able to afford things for my baby. While I would much rather have kept my baby, I feel like this is an opportunity to start over and make sure everything can be perfect.

To get healthy.

I'll be completely honest here, I eat so unhealthily. I also don't work out. And tonight my scale proved that this is not working out for me anymore. Now I would love to lose a lot of weight and get back down to where I used to be. I know it's possible and I plan on doing it, but getting pregnant is my first priority, so I'm not going to lose a ton of weight while pregnant, so this may be put off a bit, depending on how things work out. But getting healthy can be easily achieved, pregnant or not. I got a Fitbit for my birthday this year I love being able to see my heart rate, how many steps I take a day, and an estimation of the calories I have burned. I plan on using my gym membership more (because how can I make money if I spend it on stuff I don't use?) and plan out more of my meals, so I'm not eating out all the time. This is one of the more difficult goals for me because of depression and self-image issues, but I believe in myself and Chris is ready to help as well.

To be happy.

A few years ago I wrote a post about why I was leaving college. The main reason was because of how miserable it made me. Living with depression is incredibly difficult sometimes and college was completely draining me of happiness. After that I made a life goal, to do things that make me happy. I left college to make me happy. I got a full-time job to make me happy. I got pregnant to make me happy. Well the fact is, I am no longer happy. I promised myself I would only do things that would make me happy and I'm failing at it. I need a change and I'm going to do everything in my power to only do the things that will keep me happy.


25 feels kind of old to me, but I'm excited for the new opportunities and changes it'll bring (like being able to rent a car!). Also, I love you guys. Thank you for your love and support during this difficult time in my life. This miscarriage was so unexpected and so difficult and it will probably take a while for me to heal emotionally and I have truly appreciated your love as I'm coping with this. You're all amazing and I love you!