The last few years have changed my perspective on that entirely.
For my lesson I typed up my story and read it to my class. I knew I couldn't freestyle my story without crying so I had written it all down. Conveniently, it makes it a lot easier to share my story on here as well.
So here is my story:
"For the past few years my relationship with the gospel has been difficult. I could never deny the gospel, but I wasn't fully committed to it. I'm sure you have noticed it as well, but I had a hard time going to church every week, I only seemed to pray when I needed something, and I never read my scriptures.
When I got called into young womens I wanted to change and my brain kept telling me to be here but I just never could fully commit myself and I wasn't ever sure why.
A few months ago two significant things happened in my life, both at the same time. First, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. And second, my mom called me to tell me my younger brother, Nick, had said he lost his testimony and was no longer going to go to church.
Both of these were huge for me. I have wanted to be a mother for so long and I was so excited that it was finally happening. But having Nick, who is one of my best friends lose his testimony broke my heart. When my mom first told me I felt angry with him. Mainly because I knew how much it was hurting my mom. My dad has been inactive for a few years so my mom is the only one left at home going to church. She's told me that she sits alone and she cries almost every week because she wishes that Nick or my dad would be there with her.
But I realized I couldn't actually be angry with Nick when my own testimony had been struggling for years. Deciding to stop going to church had never really felt like an option for me, but hearing that my brother had made that decision changed things.
I started to think about how I wanted my life to be, not just for myself, but for my baby. I thought about how even though my testimony hadn't been strong for a long time, I loved growing up in the gospel, and my testimony of the gospel had never really faded. I realized how badly I wanted my baby to grow up in a home focused on the gospel.
As I went through the beginning of my pregnancy I had a really hard time with sickness and found myself praying more often and even received a priesthood blessing. I began praying everyday that my baby would grow stronger and be protected. I also prayed for myself to become better, that I would keep up my daily prayers and start going to church every single week. I started listening to General Conference talks every morning as I got ready for work and slowly I could feel myself changing.
Hearing about my brother losing his testimony helped me to find mine. And becoming pregnant helped my testimony to grow even stronger.
As you heard, last week I lost my baby and while this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life, the moment I heard the news I felt so calm and positive. I cried like crazy and have cried basically every day since it happened, but I have continually felt calm and positive as well. I know that someday I'm going to be a mother and I know that I will see my baby again someday, and most importantly I know that the reason I've felt so calm is because my Father in Heaven is looking out for me.
These past few months have started a huge change in my life and I truly have felt myself becoming more converted in the gospel. It's a process that will probably still take some time, but this time around I'm more committed. For the first time in a long time I want to be at church every Sunday and I want to make sure I take the sacrament every week.
I had been struggling for so long I had forgotten how incredible it is to continually feel the peace and happiness the gospel brings. This last week has been awful for me but I know that if this had happened before I committed to changing myself, I would not be able to recover from it. The only reason that this experience isn't tearing me apart is because I made a choice months ago that I would change myself to be stronger in the gospel. And I have been changing and I still am.
I love being a member of this church. I love the prophet and his counselors. I love our bishop in this ward who came to my apartment the night I learned of my miscarriage and reminded me "Things happen for a reason." I was called into young womens for a reason. I got pregnant when I did for a reason. And I committed to make a change when I did for a reason.
I don't know how much longer it will take for me to be truly converted, but I am so grateful that I have decided to make this change. I love who I am becoming and I wouldn't have it any other way."
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As always, if you would like to learn more about my LDS faith, please feel free to email me at thedancingcowblog@gmail.com and I will do my best to answer any questions or direct you to someone else who can.
If you would also like a copy of the Book of Mormon, send me an email and I will get one sent to you. Thanks!
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