The Biggest Change

In August of 2009 I moved to Logan, Utah to start college at Utah State University. That was seven years ago. In those seven years I've either been in Logan or knew I would be moving back in a few short months. For the past seven years my life has been in Logan, it has been my home, my school, my workplace, and the place I always returned to.

This September I'm leaving Logan, and I don't know if I'm going back. In the past I always knew I would go back to Logan and this is the first time I don't think I am. It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

I'm moving on. I'm making a change. I'm starting a new chapter in my life.

Chris and I are moving out of Logan.

There were a lot of different things that led to this decision, some of which I'm not comfortable posting on here. But for me personally, not speaking for Chris here, Logan reminds me of a lot of sour memories. Yes, this is the place I met my soulmate, but it's also the home of the college I dropped out of, the home of various jobs I didn't like, the home of certain events that hurt me, the home where I lost my child.

While Logan, Utah is an incredible place that I do love and enjoy, I just have too many memories here that hurt me... but more importantly, it's never felt like home.

I've never felt like I was home in Logan. Seven years later and it never felt like home. I always wanted out. I always wanted to move on, to live somewhere different, somewhere closer to family... somewhere with a Target or Forever 21.

A big part of this decision happened on July 14th. My depression hit me hard and I was caught in a pit of hating myself, hating that I lost my child, hating that I wasn't pregnant yet, and hating my life. I was at one of the lowest points of my life. So Chris, being the loving and caring husband he is, took me into crisis care to speak with a therapist so that I could work through a few of my issues and start feeling better again.

In speaking with the therapist, she asked about my job where I told her all my friends had left and I often just went to work, sat alone at my desk, and spoke to no one. She urged me to search for a new job and possibly to move closer to family.

After speaking with her, Chris and I went out to lunch, where we received a phone call that we had lost our nephew. That moment changed my perspective on life in an instant. I spoke briefly about the whole experience and don't want to get into it more because a stillbirth is such a personal thing and since it wasn't mine it's not my story to share... but how could something like that NOT change me?

We then drove down to Layton area to visit my sister-in-law in the hospital. During the drive it all came together for me.

I am unhappy. And I had been unhappy for a very, very long time. Chris was also unhappy. He too had been unhappy for a very, very long time. And despite both of our unhappiness, we remained stuck in our unhappiness not making any changes.

That weekend in July I made decisions to change my life, and everything fell perfectly into place. I was going to be happy. And it all would start with getting out of Logan.

Though leaving Logan is terrifying.

...Because Logan was always like our safe place, our college town. It feels as if the moment we leave Logan we have to start thinking about our futures. It feels like as soon as I leave Logan, I have to grow up. I think part of me has always considered this my college phase, despite having left college years ago. But leaving Logan means I'm no longer in college, which means I need to find a real job, which means I get to start my real life. It's terrifying... but also incredibly exhilarating.

So much has already fallen into place. I have a new job. We have a place to stay until we get the money to afford a new apartment. Our dog will have a yard for a while and be closer to other dogs to play with. I'll be near family. I'll be near more blogging events and opportunities. I'll be near my best friend again! A girl needs her best friend nearby!!

The moment I started telling people I was leaving Logan I got instantly happier. I've been struggling at work so much because I just want out already! I want to leave, I want to start this new phase in my life. I'm beyond excited. I'm ready. I'm scared, but it's the kind of scared that is driving me. I'm inspired to be a better writer/blogger, I'm more motivated.

I want this.

I've wanted this for so long. I've wanted out of Logan for years now and I'm finally doing it. It's already been one of the greatest decisions of my life and I cannot wait to see what this decision brings me.

I finally feel happy again (for more reasons than just this move) and that's something I've needed more than anything after this hellish year.

Here's to changes! The biggest change I've made in a long, long time!!

Crazy Pup

While taking these photos Mr. Zoram Gerrard was running around me like a crazy fool. He loves to run. I wish we had a backyard so he could run and run and we wouldn't have to go chasing after him down the street... because unlike my dog I hate running.

Anyways, I want to apologize for these pictures. Clearly Chris still needs to work on his photography skills. He always cuts off my shoes and never gets details shown. We're working on it.

Also, I like the way my hair looks in these. I feel like the ends look more blond in these photos, even though it's technically red, but it's making me think I should dye the ends blond. I do want to change my hair soon. And cut a few inches off. The length is a bit out of control. I still want it long but it's getting hard to manage.

Look, there's Zoram in the corner, going crazy.

Look at that cute little face! I feel like he "poses" for pictures a lot and does that open mouth smile most times I have a camera out. He's so photogenic. 

I may be biased because black is my favorite color, but I think every girl needs a go-to black dress. The above dress is mine. However it's so old I don't remember where it's even from! So below are a bunch of awesome black dresses, all under $50, that you can buy... or I can buy... I want them all!! 

The Future of Us by Jay Asher and Carolyn Mackler - Book Review

Hello friends! Today I have another book review for you. I've always been a fan of YA fiction but the last two I read were not so great. So if you have any suggestions for me please let me know! Thanks!

Yes, I probably could have found a great picture of of the book cover, but instead here's one with my adorable dog. Because why not? #zoramgerrard

Also the book title constantly made me think of this Taylor Swift song:

And also, I forgot about this music video. It's kind of funny and awesome. 

SYNOPSIS:

Alright so I'm just going to pull this directly from the inside book cover because it's what immediately drew me in. Listen to how cool this sounds:

"It's 1996, and Josh and Emma have been neighbors their whole lives. They've been best friends almost as long—at least, up until last November, when Josh did something that changed everything. Things have been weird between them ever since, but when Josh's family gets a free AOL CD in the mail, his mom makes him bring it over so that Emma can install it on her new computer. When they sign on, they're automatically logged onto their Facebook pages. But Facebook hasn't been invented yet. And they're looking at themselves fifteen years in the future.

By refreshing their pages, they learn that making different decisions now will affect the outcome of their lives later. And as they grapple with the ups and downs of what their futures hold, they're forced to confront what they're doing right—and wrong—in the present."

(Taken from GoodReads)

Doesn't that sound awesome? Doesn't that make you want to read this? Doesn't that make you jealous you didn't think of it first? 

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

While the idea behind the synopsis is awesome, if you look back at it the writing in the beginning part is very choppy, boring, and a little too direct. That's how the majority of this book was. Sometimes I worry when I critique these books and say the writing is bad that you may think that I consider myself some amazing writer. I'm not, by the way. I do my best at writing, but I do sometimes go back and find choppy sentences. However, I like to pretend I would never publish a book that way. 

There comes a point where reading this style of writing just gets too boring. When you're constantly being told everything so directly, it leaves nothing to the imagination. One of the points of reading is that you get to escape from the real world and imagine a different one, but in this book I didn't feel that way. I felt like I was reading a news story. Being given facts directly. Personally, I'm just not a fan of this style of writing.

Back to the synopsis, it is undeniably and awesome idea. Teenagers who get to see their futures? And then make changes in their futures by what they do in the present? It's such a cool idea and I was so excited for it... but I just felt let down. I feel like there were so many possibilities in which this could have been taken, but they took the easy, boring, simple route. There wasn't much of a plot or story and then it just ended. It was just... strange... the way this book was plotted out. 

CHARACTERS:

Emma and Josh are our main characters. Emma is crazy. Josh is pretty cool, he's fairly redeemable in this book, but Emma... 

If you don't want anything spoiled, maybe stop reading and skip over to "My Review", though this isn't a terrible spoiler. 

So there's a point where Emma sees who she is married to in the future and sees that they are getting a divorce. Emma, being the crazy teenager she is, finds the guy's number, talks to him, and changes her college plans strictly so that she will never meet this guy and never be married to him. After doing so, her future Facebook page shows her married to someone else.

Okay, so, this is crazy. Emma is so concerned with her future happiness that she makes very bold decisions that change her life in the future. This is the first instance, and probably the biggest, but she does quite a few other things to change her future. It was almost terrifying the kind of power she had. 

Now I think that if this book had been done differently, the fact that Emma can change her future by a simple thought would have been super cool. But because of the way this was written, she just came off as crazy. 

I did not like Emma. She also had a boyfriend that she hated and it really kept irritating me that she kept dragging him along for no reason. She then dumped him partially because he shaved his head, which was so petty I hated it. 

FAVORITE SCENE:

In the beginning it was really fun to have all the 90's references, but it got a little excessive. 

I thought it was really fun for Josh knowing who his future wife was and trying to get her to notice him and school. He wasn't nearly as drastic as Emma and it was cute just seeing how he did subtle things to get her to notice him. Josh was cool. The more I think about this book, Josh was cool.  

MY REVIEW:

I am torn on this book. Part of me wants others to read it because it is such a cool idea. But the writing is just not good and it ends so abruptly and without much resolve, I still have a few questions. 

But overall I was disappointed by this book. Such a cool idea and I just felt let down by how it all turned out. Take that as you want. Read it if you want, I won't really do much to convince you either way, because I'm personally torn. 

Have you read The Future of Us? What are your thoughts on this book? Let me know in the comment section below! 

August 2016 Ipsy Package

Hello friends! Today I got my August Ipsy package and wanted to share it with you! I've made a video going over my unpackaging but also have pictures and links to each product (And a few promo codes!). Let me know what different products you got in your Ipsy package this month! 

If you don't already have Ipsy, I highly recommend it. Ipsy is a monthly subscription box with trial sized makeup products. I have already found tons of new favorite makeup products through Ipsy after just a few months! If you would like to start your own subscription CLICK HERE! (Referral Link) 

Also let me know in the comment section which products you would most like a review on. I absolutely love doing reviews but don't always know what you would like me to review, so please let me know if you want more information on any of these products. Thanks!

...Also, it's entertaining being in an apartment complex and sitting on your porch taking photos of makeup products and your neighbors walking by wondering what on earth you're doing. 

12 -In- One Amazing Leave-In Treatment (Affiliate Link)

IT Haircare

Secret Garden Ampoule Masks (Affiliate Link)

Sally's Box

Liquid Lipstick in K, Bye

Trust Fund Beauty (Use promo code IPSTER35 for 35% off any purchase!) 

I-Line 24-7 Eyeliner in Black Magic (Affiliate Link)

Beauty For Real (Use promo code IPSY20 for 25% off any purchase!)

Born to Glow Liquid Illuminator (Affiliate Link) 

NYX Professional Makeup (Use promo code IPSYGlow to receive 20% off Born to Glow Liquid Illuminator!)

And now for a terrible video I barely edited! But you can watch me fail at putting on highlighter and it's kind of awesome.

Another Letter to My Miscarried Child

My Dearest Lil Pumpkin,

Hello again! It felt right to write something to you again today. I was going through old files on my computer and exactly one year ago today I filmed an announcement for my YouTube channel that I was pregnant with you, an announcement no one but me has ever seen. It also means that it was about one year ago today I found out I was pregnant.

I still consider that day one of the happiest of my entire life. Which now makes it a bittersweet memory, and causes a little bit more pain to think about.

As you're aware, a few weeks ago I lost my nephew Jamison. A stillborn. Which has to be a lot harder for his mother than my miscarriage was.

I wrote her a letter too. Telling her that she'll be okay, though I'm certain she doesn't believe me. I understand that though. It's taken me a very long time to start believing it might be true.

July 15th our little Jamison's body was born. I held that precious child in my arms and I kept thinking about you. How the two of you are probably off in heaven playing around together. How you're protecting each other as cousins do. How you're watching over the mothers you couldn't stay with.

I hate that we had to lose Jamison. I hate it so much. But somehow, holding him in my arms, going to the funeral, watching his mother have to deal with it all, I finally understand why I had to lose you. And I've finally gotten the shred of closure that I needed.

The day we had found out Jamison was lost I had spent that morning in crisis care, bawling my eyes out over you, over not being pregnant again, over not having a child. Your dad took me in to keep me from hurting myself, he wanted me safe. He cried with me because he hates seeing me in pain, and he tries so hard to understand and prevent it.

I spent my morning devastated over your loss and trying to keep from hurting myself, only to learn later we had lost Jamison.

And somehow, my tears disappeared.

I was comforted.

And the sentence popped into my head, "You are not pregnant because you have to help Aubrey."

I remember when I first learned I lost you, November 3rd, a similar thought had come to me. Though the words are hazy now, I remember hearing a voice in my head say that I was no longer pregnant because I had to help others.

Lil Pumpkin, you're so smart. You knew the eternal plan when I didn't. You knew that there would be someone out there who would need me to go through what I did so that I could help them with their pain.

Isn't that what I've worked for on my blog for years? To help other people with depression to know they aren't alone?

And you knew that there would be people in the world who would lose their children as well. Who would become mothers without a child on earth. People who can read my stories and experiences and find strength in them.

You knew that I want to help people, and you knew that this was one of the ways I would be able to.

Through this experience, I've found strength, comfort, and closure. Things Jamison's mother will struggle to find for who knows how long.

I held little Jamison in my arms and stood in the corner of the hospital room, Chris by my side, and I told him to give you a message. To tell you how much I miss you and how so very, very much I love you.

And that simple act gave me closure.

Speaking to Jamison felt like the strongest connection to you I have had in the past nine months. I was able to tell you I love you and I know, I know with every part of me, that he delivered the message.

At the funeral for Jamison we released balloons into the air for him, to send them up to heaven for him. But I thought mostly of you. Releasing that balloon I thought about you and giving you that balloon, the only earthy gift that I could give you since you left.

And I found my closure.

That isn't to say I don't still miss you. I wish I had been able to keep you on earth with me. I wish things had been different. I wish that I had a child. But I know now that you weren't meant to stay on earth with me, no matter how painful that thought is.

I still miss you, and I will every day. But I'm sure you've seen that I don't cry as much anymore. I'm doing alright.... I'm FINALLY doing alright.

Thank you for being with me for as long as you could. These next few months might be difficult for me with big changes, and remembering that only a year ago I was the happiest I had ever been, but I'm so grateful that I had those few months to spend with you, no matter how brief they were.

I love you so much and I will always love you.

And to my nephew Jamison, 

I love you very, very much. You were the most beautiful baby I've ever had the honor of holding. I was devastated at your loss and I wish you had been able to stay on earth with us, so I could prove that I could be the best aunt ever. Take care of my Lil Pumpkin. Take care of your mother. I'll do everything I can to take care of her as well. 

We know why you couldn't stay. You leaving meant saving her life. You wanted her to live and stay with us even if it meant you couldn't. And as much as I hate the fact you couldn't stay, thank you for helping her. I love your mother, she is my sister and friend. You protected her the only way you could, and I will do the same here on earth, for her and your father.

Jamison, I love that you have a name for me to call you by. I love that I was able to hold you. You were perfect. You were such an incredible, beautiful, amazing miracle. I cannot wait to see you again someday. 

I love you and I miss you. 

My Other Posts About Miscarriage:

Random Thoughts From the Brain of Kaylee

Why People Need to Not Ask Me About Pregnancy

3rd Year Anniversary Thoughts

Sunday Scrapbook/Journal

A Letter to my Miscarried Child

My Dog Almost Ate My Ultrasound Pictures Today

It's Hard to be Happy

Oh Yeah, I'm 25

Heartbroken