Another Letter to My Miscarried Child

My Dearest Lil Pumpkin,

Hello again! It felt right to write something to you again today. I was going through old files on my computer and exactly one year ago today I filmed an announcement for my YouTube channel that I was pregnant with you, an announcement no one but me has ever seen. It also means that it was about one year ago today I found out I was pregnant.

I still consider that day one of the happiest of my entire life. Which now makes it a bittersweet memory, and causes a little bit more pain to think about.

As you're aware, a few weeks ago I lost my nephew Jamison. A stillborn. Which has to be a lot harder for his mother than my miscarriage was.

I wrote her a letter too. Telling her that she'll be okay, though I'm certain she doesn't believe me. I understand that though. It's taken me a very long time to start believing it might be true.

July 15th our little Jamison's body was born. I held that precious child in my arms and I kept thinking about you. How the two of you are probably off in heaven playing around together. How you're protecting each other as cousins do. How you're watching over the mothers you couldn't stay with.

I hate that we had to lose Jamison. I hate it so much. But somehow, holding him in my arms, going to the funeral, watching his mother have to deal with it all, I finally understand why I had to lose you. And I've finally gotten the shred of closure that I needed.

The day we had found out Jamison was lost I had spent that morning in crisis care, bawling my eyes out over you, over not being pregnant again, over not having a child. Your dad took me in to keep me from hurting myself, he wanted me safe. He cried with me because he hates seeing me in pain, and he tries so hard to understand and prevent it.

I spent my morning devastated over your loss and trying to keep from hurting myself, only to learn later we had lost Jamison.

And somehow, my tears disappeared.

I was comforted.

And the sentence popped into my head, "You are not pregnant because you have to help Aubrey."

I remember when I first learned I lost you, November 3rd, a similar thought had come to me. Though the words are hazy now, I remember hearing a voice in my head say that I was no longer pregnant because I had to help others.

Lil Pumpkin, you're so smart. You knew the eternal plan when I didn't. You knew that there would be someone out there who would need me to go through what I did so that I could help them with their pain.

Isn't that what I've worked for on my blog for years? To help other people with depression to know they aren't alone?

And you knew that there would be people in the world who would lose their children as well. Who would become mothers without a child on earth. People who can read my stories and experiences and find strength in them.

You knew that I want to help people, and you knew that this was one of the ways I would be able to.

Through this experience, I've found strength, comfort, and closure. Things Jamison's mother will struggle to find for who knows how long.

I held little Jamison in my arms and stood in the corner of the hospital room, Chris by my side, and I told him to give you a message. To tell you how much I miss you and how so very, very much I love you.

And that simple act gave me closure.

Speaking to Jamison felt like the strongest connection to you I have had in the past nine months. I was able to tell you I love you and I know, I know with every part of me, that he delivered the message.

At the funeral for Jamison we released balloons into the air for him, to send them up to heaven for him. But I thought mostly of you. Releasing that balloon I thought about you and giving you that balloon, the only earthy gift that I could give you since you left.

And I found my closure.

That isn't to say I don't still miss you. I wish I had been able to keep you on earth with me. I wish things had been different. I wish that I had a child. But I know now that you weren't meant to stay on earth with me, no matter how painful that thought is.

I still miss you, and I will every day. But I'm sure you've seen that I don't cry as much anymore. I'm doing alright.... I'm FINALLY doing alright.

Thank you for being with me for as long as you could. These next few months might be difficult for me with big changes, and remembering that only a year ago I was the happiest I had ever been, but I'm so grateful that I had those few months to spend with you, no matter how brief they were.

I love you so much and I will always love you.

And to my nephew Jamison, 

I love you very, very much. You were the most beautiful baby I've ever had the honor of holding. I was devastated at your loss and I wish you had been able to stay on earth with us, so I could prove that I could be the best aunt ever. Take care of my Lil Pumpkin. Take care of your mother. I'll do everything I can to take care of her as well. 

We know why you couldn't stay. You leaving meant saving her life. You wanted her to live and stay with us even if it meant you couldn't. And as much as I hate the fact you couldn't stay, thank you for helping her. I love your mother, she is my sister and friend. You protected her the only way you could, and I will do the same here on earth, for her and your father.

Jamison, I love that you have a name for me to call you by. I love that I was able to hold you. You were perfect. You were such an incredible, beautiful, amazing miracle. I cannot wait to see you again someday. 

I love you and I miss you. 

My Other Posts About Miscarriage:

Random Thoughts From the Brain of Kaylee

Why People Need to Not Ask Me About Pregnancy

3rd Year Anniversary Thoughts

Sunday Scrapbook/Journal

A Letter to my Miscarried Child

My Dog Almost Ate My Ultrasound Pictures Today

It's Hard to be Happy

Oh Yeah, I'm 25

Heartbroken