Are you and Chris going to start trying for a baby again?
Do you think you'll want to get pregnant again soon?
How is trying to get pregnant again?
Are Chris and I just not trying hard enough?
Do I really want to risk getting pregnant and going through another miscarriage?
Are people seriously asking me about my sex life? That's so weird!
I believe that even the people with the best of intentions will never fully understand my personal story. And while this post is meant to clear up a few of the questions and tell my story, it is in no way an invitation to ask me further questions. These questions are quite frankly offensive and often cause me to break out in tears. So please, read on, and keep your questions to yourself.
(That sounds so mean. I really do love you, I just can't handle more crying. It's far too frequent.)
When people ask me if I might want to try to get pregnant again I'm always slightly offended. Because, while I know it's not what you mean, this is what I hear:
"You were pregnant once, and going to have a child, do you think you still might want a child?"
Umm, of course I still want a child. I've wanted a child since before I was married. I stopped taking birth control nearly two years ago, without even telling Chris because I wanted a child. I was fully prepared to get pregnant without fully consulting my husband because I was ready.
Now despite my efforts, it still took me a year after going off birth control to get pregnant, so at that point Chris was on board as well. Apparently I'm not the type of woman who can get pregnant in a month... like all my friends on Facebook currently... who are all due sometime this fall... and taunt me constantly with their belly bump pictures...
Not all women get pregnant in the same way or in the same timeline. While I have way too many friends currently pregnant with their second or even third child, my body is not the same as theirs, obviously, and it's insulting to think that I should be.
Even those assuming that I'm already trying should not be asking me many questions about it. Let's be real here, when you're asking how "trying to get pregnant" is going, you're basically asking about my sex life. How do you want me to respond to that? Do you really want me to go on about how that's going? Because I'm not comfortable sharing that, are you comfortable listening to that?
I don't want pointers. I don't want articles. I don't want advice. The only thing in this situation that I want is support. I want people.... silently showing that they are excited for me to someday get pregnant again without questioning me and adding pressure.
Every question that I receive is a reminder that I'm not pregnant. It's been six months and I'm not pregnant. It kills me every. single. day. So why would I want people asking me how it's going?
A few weeks ago I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen since... middle school? Forever, basically. I don't think she knew about my miscarriage and she asked me, "Do you think you and Chris might want kids soon?" She was completely oblivious to the situation and I realized that, but I felt the stab of pain inside of me, begged myself not to start crying, faked a smile and told her yes.
Every time I'm asked a question about pregnancy, it's the same thing. I literally have to will myself not to cry, and even then I usually run off and cry in private. A lot of people know about my miscarriage, and that's the reason their asking. And it kills me everytime.
What people seem to fail to realize is that I lost a child.
This is the absolute worst analogy of my life, and please forgive me for saying it, but would you ask a woman who's child had died if they wanted to try having another child again? I should hope not. So why are people asking me the same thing?
The fact is, I was supposed to have a baby right now. I was supposed to be a mother right now. I was supposed to have started my family right now. And I lost all of that.
And while I want a child more than anything, the thought of going through another miscarriage is sometimes holding me back. I cannot get hurt again. I'm not even healed from this first miscarriage! I would never be able to handle a second!
People need to not ask me about pregnancy. Because it's a topic that I've been thinking of every day for two years. Two years. Good or bad, pregnant or not, for the past two years I've been thinking about pregnancy and how my goal is to have a child. And currently, that goal seems impossible, because I've already failed at it once.
I hurt every day from my miscarriage and it only hurts me more to be asked about it.
I appreciate love, and support, and people who want me to be pregnant again. But I cannot be asked about it. I just can't handle any more reminders than what's already going through my head. I want to be pregnant. Let's leave it at that.
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If you have not read about my miscarriage before you can find a few other posts below:
Miscarriage happens in 1 out of every 4 pregnancies, but it's rarely talked about. I know why, because it's almost impossible to talk about it without pain. But if you're like me, and in that 1 of 4, I hope my posts help give you comfort that you are not alone. We can hurt and mourn together, and from that pain will come hope, love, and happiness once more. We're a team. I support you and love you and I wish you the best in everything you do.
I'm scared and hurt, but I'm still trying to have hope, and my greatest support is the other women I've talked to who have been in my situation. I use the app Glow to track my periods and talk with a whole community of women trying to get pregnant. The support and stories of these women help me and I hope that the little bit that I am able to write on this blog is able to help you.
Seriously, thank you for this. I just had a miscarriage confirmed Monday (5/16) with a d&c performed Tuesday. It was my first pregnancy and we've been trying for a couple years. People asked us constantly when we were going to have children, we finally conceived and I feel like a failure, but I know it's common, and there isn't anything that could have been done. I should be happily 10 weeks pregnant, but the baby stopped growing at almost 7 weeks. I've never felt such emotional pain in my life.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry! It does start to feel better, I promise. And I've felt it sometimes too, but you are not a failure! If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to email me at thedancingcowblogger@gmail.com. Sending you a virtual hug!!! <3
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