A Brand New Day

Hello friends! The following playlist is a short list of songs that were buzzing through my head while writing this post. So click play and get reading!!

Today is a special day for me, today begins the change from working 40 hours a week to 30 hours a week. Now you're probably wondering "Kaylee, why would you want to work less hours and get paid less money when you're always talking about how poor you are?" Well calm down, I'm getting to it. 

I truly believe that my issues with work began when I found out I was pregnant last August. There were so many thoughts going through my head at that time... Can I even work 40 hours a week while pregnant and sick? Should I continue this job after I have the baby? How will we ever afford this baby? Would I be better off working part-time when the baby comes? Is this even a job I want long-term?

I was feeling conflicted and stressed during my pregnancy, mainly because of my job. Each day it was getting harder and harder to go into work, and it wasn't because of the morning sickness. I no longer felt the same drive for my job or desire to be there. But I kept telling myself, "I'm doing this for my baby, so we can give him/her a good life." 

And then I lost my baby. And I no longer knew why I kept going to work. 

Now I'm not saying I have a bad job. I actually love what I do. I get to listen to my iTunes music and look over bills and solve issues, like puzzles (I love puzzles). The company I work for is great, I'm paid well, they supply me with good health insurance, and the company truly cares for its employees. [And it's always hiring so if you're in Cache Valley and need a job, I can hook you up!]

But even with loving what I do, my desire to go into work kept getting lower and lower through pregnancy, miscarriage, and postpartum depression (which I never knew could happen after a miscarriage, but that's what my therapist diagnosed me with... my miscarriage messed me up a bit you guys...) Every morning I would feel like crying, not wanting to go into work. Once I was there I was fine, but I just could not understand why I spent eight hours of my day there.

Let me go into how it was; I would wake up, drag myself out of bed after a long sleepless night, get myself ready, force Chris to wake up and drive me to work, then I'd sit for hours til Chris picked me up for lunch, go home eat, entertain the puppy for a while, go back to work, sit for hours, then get off work, go home, have no energy or motivation left to do anything, and sit in my bed to write or watch YouTube (but mainly the YouTube thing). 

Having battled depression for years, I decided years ago that I would only do things that make me happy. And I have not been happy for a long time. So I decided to make a change.

I will now only be working 30 hours a week, hopefully allowing myself more time to do things that I want. I want to go to the gym and pursue my dream since high school of teaching a gym class. I want to write in my books more. I want to continue making YouTube videos. I want to blog and make this blog more successful. I want to be able to take my knowledge and experiences with depressing, self-harm, and suicide to talk with other people struggling, to inspire them that things get better, and to be able to make a difference in someone's life.

And while I'll admit, laziness was a factor in not accomplishing those things, I am done spending most my time at a job I'm barely happy with to keep me from doing these things anymore.

Yes, it will be a struggle financially for a while, but my personal health and happiness is more important.

I have stories, personal and fictional, that I want to share with the world and I've made so many excuses on why I've never told them before. But when I go to the root of those reasons, most of them were stemmed from work. I'm not going to make excuses anymore and I'm going to give myself more time in the day to get these things done.

I'm truly blessed and grateful that my husband is very supportive of this decision. His first priority is me, and he has stood by me these past few months as I struggled with so many emotions and tried to figure out the best way to handle all this. He is amazing. I can't begin to think how I could possibly handle all this without him. He's my rock.

I've also been very fortunate to have an understanding family, who loves me and supports me no matter what I do. I love them so much and that they are always looking out for me, and want to best for me.

And a huge thank you to my boss and the company I work for. They've been very accommodating and understanding of my situation. I truly do work for a wonderful company and I'm glad we've been able to come up with a solution that allows me to stay at my job while still giving me more time for myself.

The first song on the playlist above has been stuck in my head for weeks now as I've sorted out this decision:

I'm so happy and excited for this change in my life. I believe it will give me more time to blog and talk with you more, you are all my friends and I love you. I can always count on you to be supportive of me as well, and for that I am truly grateful. 

I'm working on my happiness, and that's always been my priority, and I'm happy to make a change to help me reach it.